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#156415 - 05/16/07 01:18 PM Information folder, Ideas needed please!
delta.tetra Offline

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands
21-02-2009 The folder is now online, pdf in Dutch, here

Thanks for the suggestions and helpful advise.



Please help if you can!

It's about how to reach male survivors who don't even know help exists.

I'm a male survivor and I'm in therapy. An organisation which publishes information about healthcare issues has invited me and other survivors and professionals to take part in a discussion about an information folder they want to print.

This project intends to improve the quality and accessability of assistance to boys and men who have been sexually abused.

They want to know from us:

what information exactly should be in the folder

how it should look and be presented

where it should be distributed or made available

The aim is to allow abused males to recognise themselves, and feel acknowledged, and direct them towards the available help.

I've written a little list but I would appreciate your help too!

If you have any experience with printed information on this subject, can you share something?

If you have any ideas please share them here.

I will take all your suggestions with me to the meeting on 5 June!

I'm putting this request in "Friends and Family" because reaching out to men and boys who feel utterly unreachable is what you do.

Therapy works and these hurt guys could feel a bit better if they just got the help which is available!


deetee smile

Edited by delta.tetra (02/20/09 11:51 PM)
Edit Reason: folder online now

#156543 - 05/17/07 01:53 AM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: delta.tetra]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
hey DT,

Just saw this post. It seems there is a lot I'd like to tell you, but my brain is exhausted tonight and doesn't feel up to this kind of thought.

I admire your willingness to give this some real cooperative effort together with the professionals and agencies.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#156551 - 05/17/07 02:57 AM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: WalkingSouth]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi DT,

My brain is in the same place as John's right now and I don't have any experience in the kind of thing your talking about, but I'll give it a shot.

The first places that come to mind as to where to put such info so that men will actually see it would be doctor's offices. Not necessarily your general practitioner since I don't know too many men who go to a GP on a regular basis, but maybe cardiologists, urologists, VA offices, heck even fertility clinics. Any place where men find themselves with no choice but to sit and wait and read whatever happens to be available to kill time. I would think that whatever kind of booklet was produced needs to get a guy's attention, but not be something he'd be afraid for someone to see him reach for.


If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#156593 - 05/17/07 07:35 AM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: Trish4850]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
i think every health club/gym/weight lifting facility would be an obvious place to put them, in the locker rooms or front desk

next would be how about men's restrooms in general? posters for public placement w/hotline numbers, a few choice sentences, etc.; men's restrooms in places such as sports arenas, stadiums, golf courses, etc. maybe even bars and pubs?

seems like the going mantra is 'you are not alone' so perhaps that'd be part of it.

i'm thinking about how literature started showing up for battered women in the 90's - it seemed so incredible to me - by that time i was way past needing such info but it still brings joy to my heart to know the info is there that other women don't have to struggle as hard as my generation did for help.

this is such good work you are doing.


my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#156597 - 05/17/07 09:35 AM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: delta.tetra]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Deetee, I am going to suggest instead of having a separate info folder for girls and guys, and friends and families, have a combined folder. In 1992 when I got out of the navy, I finally got the nerve to buy a book about rape. The reason I bought the book I did was because the information on the cover gave me enough leeway to lie if anyone asked me why I had the book. The book was called recovery by Helen Benedict. Here is what it said on the cover. "How to Survive Sexual Assault for Woman, Men, Teenagers, and their Friends and Families. At that time I was very much afraid about what people who saw me with the book would think. I could have bought a book that covered male rape only but did not.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#157539 - 05/22/07 08:01 PM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: lostcowboy]
delta.tetra Offline

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands

#265637 - 12/06/08 09:52 PM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: delta.tetra]
delta.tetra Offline

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands
I was just sent the draft text for this folder, they hope to have it finished in 2009!

It was of course not written in English as it is not aimed at English-speaking people, I'm in a non-English-speaking country.

The Google automatic translation of the text is rather rubbish! But here it is... later when the text is finalized I Will make a clean translation in English spoke proper and post it here.
(Beyond the Silence)

For men
in whom sexual limits have been exceeded in the youth

Or sexual abuse: sexual violence?
Sexual abuse is unwanted sexual contact. That is to say: sex with you that you've been meaning to do or where you had the feeling that you could not refuse. That feeling can come afterwards.
It can go all kinds of sex: unwanted touching, forced masturbation or rape. It does not have physical sex in order to have been inappropriate anyway: for example, be forced to (naked) to look at porn or sexual words ever to hear or to say.
Other terms for sexual abuse are negative sexual experiences, forced sex, incest (within family), sexual violence.

Who will be abused?
Everyone may have to deal with sexual abuse. It occurs in all strata of the population, among all believe in non-believers, of white to black. Boys from problem (with neglect and abuse) can do more to make than other boys. Often abused boys who are younger than 16 years, but it can also adult men.
In all cases, the offender on the border of the boys / men.

Am I the only one?
At least one in twenty men in the Netherlands was sexually abused as a boy, about 400,000 men. Some are abused once, others more frequently or by different perpetrators.

The taboo on sexual abuse, we probably just the tip of the iceberg. Also because this taboo is greater for men than for women. Men are not a 'victim' to be: they are 'cool', they control their own lives and have always meaning in sex. " Therefore, it is difficult for men in order to arrive that they are abused. For himself, and certainly also for others.
It is not so crazy as you are finding it difficult to have.

Sexual abuse can have a major impact in several areas: psychological, physical, social.

In children can lead to sexually abuse them skills that they just dominated losses. Also, there may be behavior problems arise (very busy behavior or retreat) and the personality development may be disrupted.

Psychological effects
Fear of recurrence, others fear itself to abuse, depression, lack of self confidence, reliving, displacement: it can all occur. Virtually all abused men ashamed of themselves for what happened. They often feel guilty about the role that they themselves had in the abuse. The responsibility lies with the perpetrator who did abuse the situation and the fact that a child starts to look for attention, adventure, security and tension.

Physical complaints
Complaints may be the direct result of the abuse, or a reaction to the negative experiences, such as: pain in the genitals and the anus, stomach and intestinal complaints, headache, dizziness, chronic fatigue, hyperventilation (panic attacks), difficulty sleeping, muscle tension ( especially in the bovenrug and neck).

Some complaints are a "physical expression" of mental problems: psychosomatic complaints. Thinking of things like self-neglect, zelfpijniging, continually scrubbing of yourself because you feel dirty, hatred against your body or certain body parts. This can lead to physical complaints.

For many abused women is a trust issue, also in relationships. Confidence in others is deeply ashamed. This makes it difficult to return to someone confidence. On the other are high demands. One consequence may be that you have to correct this problem (intimate) relations.

The problems in the field of sex may arise, are different. Where the dislike of sex, looking the other compulsive to correct this, it is obsessed. Preferences for certain sexual acts or hate it (kissing, anal sex, sm) can occur. Sometimes men during lovemaking unpleasant memories or robbed by a panic attack.

Sexual identity
Because sexual abuse does not fit within the images and ideas that exist around masculinity, that can lead to confusion about your identity as a man. Because a man can no victims. And sex should always find tasty. It can also follow confusion around sexual identity, I just fall on men or women? That has nothing to do with whether you heterosexual or homosexual are, but with rolverwarring, especially if you are abused by a husband and (maybe) but became excited. Of sexual abuse can not be homosexual.

Survival Mechanisms
To deal with the abuse in order to develop all kinds of men survival mechanisms. These help to abuse, sometimes literally, to 'survive'. But the long-term deal rather negative.

Ways to survive:

Yourself responsible for what happened, and you feel guilty about.
A lot of others go (to give others what you've missed), without your own borders to monitor.
Very critical to everything and everyone.
A split between yourself and others feel (isolation).
A split between thinking and feeling your body.
The abuse push.
You feel / body off (eg alcohol, extreme sports or work very hard)

Positive impact
Sexual abuse is not positive, but may after proper treatment and positive development consequences. Some men suggest that the abuse they have developed an antenna for people who are in a fix and that they can help others. Others indicate that they are not superficial but very conscious life.

The problem of sexual abuse is that the offender is usually a well-known and often a trustee. For example: father, mother, uncle, aunt, neighbor, neighbor, pastor. Perpetrators can both men and women, most of which is for men.
Often there is a power difference between the perpetrator and the abused boy, the perpetrator has more power than the person who abused.

There are offenders who use violence directly, but most are subtle to work. They build on the abuse. By gifts, attention and heat and thus give confidence to win the boy. If the abuse begins, it is very difficult for you to defend against. The perpetrators buy the silence about the abuse (money or gifts) or forcing it off with threats (extortion). Sometimes the offender tries boy accomplices to make.

Sometimes a person wants a man who has abused him, confronted with what he has done, for example, as part of the processing. However, that rarely leads to recognition of the problem or make an excuse and can therefore lead to disappointment.
It may also have a positive impact: the confrontation over the man wins his fear of the offender, or just to air your story to have done.
It is therefore important that before such a confrontation to think about your expectations and be realistic about it. It may help to talk about it with someone you trust, prior to and after the confrontation.

Abuse remains in a family usually not limited to a child. And there are often several family members aware of, but not intervene. There is a family secret that is very fraught. Often, there are other people that the abuse had on the height (can), but it did not want to see. As a boy who is abused, you can very abandoned by those who feel you should have been protected.
That can cause problems with the trust in others.
Fortunately, there are also parents and relatives who did stand up for a child. It shows that boys who believed and supported, less trouble to have their experiences to be processed.

What can you do?

The first step is to face what happened. This means, for example, recognize that the issue was not a sexual experience that you have popular, but that it was really sexual abuse that you've seen. It is important to face up to that. Do you have to read through this brochure, a website on sexual abuse to read, to write about or talk.

Process goes step by step and is not always easy. Sometimes you get a draft. That is normal. Usually the saying goes again.

For the processing is important to talk with people who listen carefully to you and sharing their thoughts with you. This way you break the big secret that not precisely what the perpetrator wanted. Openness can also ensure that the people around you better understand your behavior. This does not mean that everything you need to tell anyone, it will scare some people and not know how to go. You can also imagine a conversation with a counselor.

A counselor can support you in the process. Men prefer to solve their problems themselves, and seek help only when it really is essential. Where can you go? Maybe your doctor can help you find a good doctor.
At the end of this brochure are organizations, addresses and websites where you go for more information.

Partner and environment
The moment you tell others that you are sexually abused, usually happens during the process that you think for yourself to accept you. But how do you do that? And to those who tell you?

How difficult it is, so it is fair to your partner to tell about the abuse. You realize that it can have large effects. Some partners do not know council and can not talk about it. Whether they are going to try you to 'save' or you constantly to make sense. What is important is that it also time to get it to go. Forbid them not to tell their confidants to share!
But the problems do not always give your partner may also be an important aid and trustee for the abuse to go.

Tell your children that you are abused is tricky. Yet it is, especially if they are older, important that they know what has happened to you. Often they can explain better than your behavior and understand why you do as you do. You do not act in detail: that you are abused and who possibly has done is enough. Let it be open to questions from your children about this.

Further family
Whether and what you want to tell your future family, and to whom, is something only you can judge yourself. It can lead to conflicts, sometimes even repudiation: for example, if the abuse is done by another family member and people will feel forced to choose between them. Or if the honor of your family in jeopardy. So think carefully consider what you're doing!

Legal steps
Making declaration is a step that few men willing, able and dare to pursue. Declarations can be terminated. Furthermore, a procedure long.
Some tips:
First, go to the police or Victim Support Office ( for more information. At first the police always follows an informative conversation about the possibilities.
Besides reporting the abuse can also be reported. For 'sign' the offender is not prosecuted. The information is important as there are other declarations are made of the same offender. By 'return' is recorded in minutes. It is also possible to report at a later stage, which reported to a declaration.
It is possible to claim compensation without the offender will be prosecuted.

The limitation period is 12 years for sexual assault, rape to 15 years.
For a minor limitation period begins to run only when he became 18 years.

At this time is an exception. When the assailant or rapist at the time of the commission of the offense is younger than eighteen years, the limitation period shortened by half. For sexual assault is the term in that case six years for rape and seven-and-a-half years. If, however, in this case except for a minor victim, the age when the offender is eligible for halving the limitation period reduced from eighteen to sixteen years.

Prejudices and misunderstandings

"Guys are not sexually abused"
The figures indicate that this is not true: 5% of Dutch men was a victim of sexual abuse, about 400,000 men.

"Guys can defend itself."
Perpetrators use of power (physically and / or mentally) to enforce sex. Often you are depending on the offender, sometimes it makes you an accomplice. You can therefore difficult to defend or afraid of the consequences. The longer the abuse continues, the more you caught in the web that the offender is, how difficult it is to defend you.

"If you have abused boy himself asked."
The offender is always wrong and punishable, even if you took the initiative first. An offender is abuse of power and dependency. Perpetrators sometimes claim that an erection is a proof that the boy himself wanted. That is not true: an erection is a natural physiological response to sexual stimulus, it says nothing about whether you will find pleasant or not.

"From sexual abuse to become homosexual."
There are both homosexual and heterosexual men who are abused as a child. Sexual abuse can a guy do doubt whether he is gay or not, especially because the offender is usually a man. By changing your orientation is not abuse.
Abuse by a woman may lead to sex with a woman later laden with guilt and shame. Sex with a man calls on these feelings than less, that does not mean that you're gay.

"Men are all homosexual offenders"
This is not true. Men can abuse boys because of the feeling of power that the abused, for example by their own abuse experiences from the past that are not properly processed. Perpetrators may also pedo sexually, then they fall on children.

"There are no female offenders."
Although the perpetrators of sexual abuse mostly boys or men, there are certainly female offenders. For men may be abuse by a woman a big elephant in the room. In our society there is the image that you have no husband and victim are certainly not a woman. It enjoys a real man always sex, and he may be glad that this guy is him 'offered. "

"Guys who have been abused, are expected later offender himself."
Many perpetrators were themselves abused as a child. This does not mean that all offenders are abused children. This depends on many factors, such as how you deal with it later.

All these prejudices can help ensure that boys and men not (dare) talk about the abuse.

For more information about sexual abuse and an overview of the aid offer for boys and men, see:

Korrelatie (
For help, advice and information, 0900-1450 (Mon to Fri 9.00 to 18.00 pm)

Association against Sexual Child Abuse
-National Association for mutual support, information and advocacy:
Regional working groups for assistance: VSK Overijssel / Gelderland ( and VSK South Holland (

For assistance to victims of a crime or traffic accident.

For telephone assistance.



#265669 - 12/07/08 12:25 AM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: delta.tetra]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
i havent read it all, i just skimmed over the text, i wonder whos judgement is behind this part, and if it can really be justified, do your kids really have to know? i think it is a judgement call and should not be given as advice in such a strict context even if it is generally good advice, or perhaps the translation has skewed the words slightly to give emphasis in the wrong places.

Tell your children that you are abused is tricky.Yet it is, especially if they are older, important that they know what has happened to you. Often they can explain better than your behavior and understand why you do as you do. You do not act in detail: that you are abused and who possibly has done is enough. Let it be open to questions from your children about this."


#265732 - 12/07/08 06:00 AM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: king tut]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
"Guys who have been abused, are expected later offender himself."
Many perpetrators were themselves abused as a child. This does not mean that all offenders are abused children. This depends on many factors, such as how you deal with it later.

You may want to consider rewriting this one. Maybe I'm missing something in the translation?

Recovery is Possible!

#265738 - 12/07/08 07:12 AM Re: Information folder, Ideas needed please! [Re: Brian]
Partner Offline

Registered: 12/05/08
Posts: 18
Loc: United States
Locations to have such info:

I have had many male survivors disclose to me for some reason, perhaps they saw it in my eyes. They almost all hung out at Denny's and/or practiced martial arts. I don't mean to stereotype or anything I just mean that there are a decent number of male survivors in those locations. Probably the martial arts studios would be better suited to having the info available though.

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