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#157672 - 05/23/07 09:46 AM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

The letter from your father tells all, I think. He speaks of his caring (not love) for you and seems to have difficulty relating to or even remembering things that would have been crucial to you as a young boy.

For example, he has vague memories of reading you stories? WTF? My memories of reading to my two are some of the most precious memories I have, and I can still recite "The night before Christmas" from heart!!! When my son looks moody or remote I know that's a signal, "Dad, I need to talk".

When he says that what he recalls isn't all that positive, he's basically saying that YOUR childhood was all about HIM and how his life was getting complicated by the "hassle" of having children.

But I'm glad he is taking a serious look at all this now. It does seem he recognizes that he could have done a LOT better and wants to be there for you now. I hope the two of you will be able to work this out.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#157704 - 05/23/07 03:46 PM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: roadrunner]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Thank you all for your input. Ok, here is the way that I see it:

At 35, my Dad didn't want to live "alone" anymore so he hooked up with the first woman that came along and was willing to have kids and get married to him. Now HERE is where I have a major issue with both of them, I mean, COME ON all you had to do was look at my older brother Rick, who was have MAJOR issues even BACK THEN, and you should just be able to TELL that she was not a good mother, (or simply didn't know how). But what does my Dad do? Oh, he marries her ANYWAY.

THEN, there is the obvious fact that my Mom didn't EVEN WANT TO FUCKING HAVE KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE, she just had them as a way of satisfying Bruce's wishes to have children, while he provided for her living expenses while she went to school (full-time, I never saw her hardly at all).

She used him to pay her bills while she went to school, plain and simple. And recently, she had the gumption to ask if we could "spend more time together while we're still both alive and kickin'". I'm afraid it's too late for that "Mom". I don't know how she could hope for me to have deep feelings for her when I was treated this way.

You guys seemed dismayed by the fact that they didn't say "love" at all, well I could give a shit less, because love isn't everything when it comes to parenting. Parenting involves devoting one's life to his child, not being self-absorbed in your own petty problems at the child's expense.

I would like to elaborate on one of my dad's comments. In it, he described me being obviously upset when coming home from school one day. His failing memory describes the situation as me being teased on my way home from school one day, that was NOT the case. Here is what really happened.

I was hanging out with that Dave Brown kid across the street with his friend. This was JUST AFTER I had disclosed to Dave and my brother, (who laughed and made fun of me so I never talked about it again until all these years later). We were doing whatever kids normally do at that age (I think) until Dave started wrestling with me then he started to trying to take my pants down, (mind you, this is after being perped and being laughed at after disclosing). I'm like "NO", "Stop it", then his friend helped him and teamed up on me, got my pants down, grabbed one of his mom's nearby tampons and started trying to put it in me. I finally just gave up. For whatever reason they stopped. I walked home and I was very upset and humiliated. Dad actually noticed this and followed me to my room and asked me what was wrong. I told him, (these are my exact words I'm pretty sure) "They stripped me".........and I was fucking upset. And my Dad responded with a serious, but lost look, he didn't know what to do, so he asked me "What do you want me to do?" To that I said NOTHING because I DIDN'T want to talk about it anymore. To that he said "ok" and went on working on his stupid house or whatever.

In retrospect, I "think" that he assumed that it was a childhood prank of "pants pulling" or something like that. But COME ON I was CLEARLY upset about it. "What do you want me to do about it?" Why was he asking ME that question? Oh, yes I would just LOVE to relive and re-tell what Dave and his friend just did to me, of COURSE I didn't fucking want him to do anything about it.

What really throws me off about all of your responses here, is how negatively you all view my parents. I share those sentiments I think. I don't hate them, but I don't love them. I mean, I will honor them as my my parents but I sure hope they don't expect me to feel a deep-rooted love for them, how could I? It is AMAZING how fucking inept some parents are. My Dad should have been prying details out of me, not just dismissing that incident. Jesus.

#157707 - 05/23/07 04:14 PM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: Hauser]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi, Alan,

Your response above indicates that you have a very clear understanding of what exactly your parents were and were not. That precious little boy holding that kitten deserved so much better.

Regarding what you said about your feelings for your parents:


I don't hate them, but I don't love them. I mean, I will honor them as my my parents but I sure hope they don't expect me to feel a deep-rooted love for them, how could I? It is AMAZING how fucking inept some parents are.

You have expressed my own sentiments about my parents as well. I honor them as my parents, but that is it. They haved earned nothing more than that.


#157713 - 05/23/07 04:48 PM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: EGL]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

This "rest of the story" just pisses me off to no end. I cant tell you anger i feel right now over this!!

You TOLD HIM about a fkg SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!!!! And he did NOTHING!!!!

He ask "so what do you want me to do?" WHAT THE FK?????????

I am SO sorry dude!


#157715 - 05/23/07 04:54 PM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: Hauser]
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england

"My Dad should have been prying details out of me, not just dismissing that incident. Jesus."


And THAT is absoutely the kind of realisation you would hope a parent would come to have. Whatever the reasons are for your parents missing these things/not knowing how to deal with them, they still are responsible for these failings and should hold themselves accountable for that......

I don't blame you for feeling a lack of love for your parents and certainly it wouldn't be fair to expect yourself to feel like extending anything towards them. At least not at the moment. Certainly I could tell from your father's letter, that he has a need of his own where your connection with him is concerned and in that respect, no doubt he would like to know you feel some kind of 'deep-rooted' love for him. Of course, this is something most parents hope to have with their children.....however, make no mistake about the fact that this kind of love/connection, is(in my own opinion), the parent's responsibility first. No matter how much your child turns away from you, no matter how difficult things become, you should ALWAYS love them. That means not taking rejection personally and facing things head-on. It is so sad that when parents have their own issues/needs from their pasts, that they fail to do this......

It is good to see you are feeling/expressing your own feelings about it all. That's your right. You can never be expected to feel any more than what you do/don't feel for your parents........if i was your parent's position, i don't think i would feel i deserved any deep-rooted kind of love or connection. I would hope that i would realise that if that was something i wanted, that there would be a GREAT DEAL of work on my part, and still it might not be possible.....

That's just my thoughts.
I wish you all the best in your recovery,


#157720 - 05/23/07 05:13 PM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: beccy]
MemoryVault Offline

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Alan --

I was thinking there's something else that your parents' letter (especially your Dad's) can do for you. We don't just pick up our parents' ideas...sometimes we pick up their voices. My father isn't very critical of me anymore--he's been pretty supportive lately. But he used to be ruthless and judgmental about me, and that's the voice I inherited when I come down on myself. It's not him anymore, it's part of me, and I'm working on recognizing it and challenging it when it beats me up.

Alan, when I read your dad's letter, it made sense where a lot of your own self-criticism came from. He sounds like you when you're worried about whether you've accomplished enough. If you can react to your father's letter--see what's there, but also what's unfair--too harsh, not loving, maybe you can start challenging the part of you that's harsh about yourself.

Believe me, I'm working on it too--I haven't figured it out yet.


PS -- I love seeing the whole picture your avatar came from--and the kittens!

Edited by MemoryVault (05/23/07 05:15 PM)

#157783 - 05/23/07 06:34 PM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: MemoryVault]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12137
Loc: Denver, CO
"so what do you want me to do?"

A little friggin' comfort would have been nice.


Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#157837 - 05/23/07 09:14 PM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: FormerTexan]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Alan,

I hope that people's comments here have been helpful to you. From what you've posted, it seems to me (as a mother and stepmother of children, most of whom are now grown) that your parents were on the one hand extremely self-absorbed and on the other extremely ill-equipped. I'm not trying to excuse them by pointing out that their obliviousness to your genuine needs as a child was probably not that uncommon for their time and place. It is a rotten thing that they were not more conscientious and loving when you were a child, and it's perfectly understandable if you don't feel especially loving toward either of them now. You and your sibs deserved better, and I am sorry that your parents let you down in so many ways.

That said: it's part of the healing process, as I understand it, to mourn what was (or wasn't) and then figure out what you still need, and how you are going to get it. I haven't been reading all that long, but it seems to me that you are (despite your parents' neglect of you) still a capable adult now, with the possibility of living your life better than your parents prepared you to do. That's an accomplishment as it is. Their shortcomings do not have to limit your own growth as a human being. I salute you for all your hard work toward becoming your full self.


I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#157877 - 05/24/07 12:07 AM Re: I gave my parents an assignment [Re: honey girl]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
to me the abandonment by your mom bothers you more than even the abuse ,you loved her and she let you down ,but it wasnt her you told was it?it wasnt her that coulda changed your life from the day you told . in your other letters from your parents ,your mom has shown that she accepts responsibility for what she did ,your dad has done nothing but make excuses for his failure to provide even basic support for his son,he asked a nine year old what he wanted him to do ,which is the same as saying well your 9 you handle it,it totaLY PISSES ME OFF THAT ALL YOUR DAD DOES IS FUCKING COMPLAIN! well alan you were a cranky baby!~so fing what!you didnt nurse ,so fing what! was he pissed off that cause you wouldnt eat the free stuff he had to by baby formula?you wanna know who made the mistake in choosing a mate? your mom! your dad shoulda loved every minute of being with you,too busy for his son? and besides he says there was something just not right with you,so shit he dont respond to normal stuff so i'll just let him raise himself. oh i took you to therapy but you wouldnt talk so i just thought youd be ok . you know what i think? there were people who led you to believe they were good ,to believe they cared about you ,to believe that they wanted what was best for you ,there were two people who groomed you and then dropped the bomb on you ,one bomb was the abuse by kim ,the other was the abandonment by your dad ,just like kim when you needed him the most,he turned out to not be what you thought he was at all. at least your mom left ,your dad let you be alone even though he was right there. YOU TOLD HIM WHAT THEY DID AND HE DID NOTHING!now he wont even admit he was the problem not you ,he had no clue how to be a dad,still doesnt . if i was him id be on my knees begging you to forgive me ,not going on about what a difficult kid you were!! doing nothing is just as bad as hurting you himself.

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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