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#154777 - 05/06/07 10:44 PM new but not to me
hereforus Offline

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
first let me say i am here for some one close to me, and not for myself, although i am a survivor myself. I have come a long ways from where i was and from talking with my now ex T i have moved on in my life as well as my healing.

to those who know me here the only thing i can say is im am sorry with all of my heart. nothing i can say can take back anything i said or did, but again that is not why i am here now.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year now with some one who is three years younger than I. It took him months to tell me he was abused at the age of four. I was shocked to say the least. i didnt see the signs, and was not looking for them. I guess i moved on more than i thought i did. i am so happy with him and love him dearly, i hate to see him hurt. so far i talked to him and got him to see a doctor about meds. he is now on a anti depressant. I talked to him about seeing a T, but i dont feel i have gotten anywhere with that one yet. he knows he's depressed but dose not know why. i feel lost coz i dont know how to help, its so different being on the help end and not the survivor end. its like i dont know what to do or say or not do and not say. besides the "give-me's". how do i deal with him and with what is going on?

within the last few months i had to take a change of jobs due to my old job effecting my health and money. this meant i am now farther away from him. he has not said anything but he is showing me that he thinks i abandoned him, and that is not how it is at all. how do i talk to him about this so he understands?

I see him doing things i did that were selfdestructive and i see him making some very bad choices. i know i am not his father or big brother and i can not live his life for him. i dont want him to throw away everything he has worked hard for. he is a full time collage student and has a full time job in the medical field. how do i get him profesional help so that he dose not get mad at me in the prosses?

as of right now he is not even speaking to me much and i am worried about him. i know he was packing his bags for something but he wont tell me what. yes he has opened up to me but he still hides himself. i see our relationship suffering. i see him suffering and i feep powerless in helping him. what do i say to him in the right way so he will see what he is doing?

the other night he went out to be with friends, so he told me before he left. i stayed up almost alnight coz he said he would call when he got home. he called around 4am. he was driving back and was falling asleep and said he had been drinking. i tried to get him to pull over and let me come and get him to take him home but he refused. how do i prevent this from happening agin so he wont hurt him self or some one else?

i need help with this and i just didnt know where els to turn and so i contacted my old T. he said it would be a good idia if i came back here and asked guys that are going through these things right now. he said i had not "forgotten" everything but more or less moved on form it so much that i do not remember parts and that being a survivor going through it and being a survivor that has gone through it that is trying to help a survivor that is going through it is two different things. so here i am asking for help.

nathan ill email you in a few minutes.
peace out

#154832 - 05/07/07 07:34 AM Re: new but not to me [Re: hereforus]
hereforus Offline

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
well ive only been back for one night and ive gotten some answers. i still have many more questons but i'll keep you updated.

first. he may not be ready for a relationship. even though we have known each other for ten years and have been together for almost a year (8 months). can i let him go? if it will help him yes i can. will i stop loving him? no i will not. will i do anything i can to help him? yes i will as long as i dont hurt myself at the same time. (i know my limits)

i know i have to give him time to think and to deal with things at his own rate. can i wait for him? yes there is no rush in life. hhhmm i need to tell him that too. there is only living life to the fullest and making every minute joyful even if you arnt doing anything like going to a theam park or something, joyful just living a simple life. and there is nothing better than just living a simple life, its great. the best feeling every really!

as for how to talk to him. this is a deep one for sure dudes. i think i should only talk to him about the abuse when he is ready or when he brings it up. i have to be kind and understanded for sure and i am. i know coz he told me so. i will have to judge when to be soft and when to be more blunt. that is going to have too take some learning on my part. i also need to learn how to break through some steep walls that he has so he not only know but feels that he can tell me anything, and not feel that he has to run away. i also got to tell him about my new tatoo. long story, dont ask! ok ask if you think it will help me with him. do i feel i can tell him anything? yes. i feel and believe i am safe telling him anything. unless its a tatoo i got and didnt tell him about.....oh the other hand i tried to get ahold of him but failed. (you cant talk to someone you cant find or that wont answer his phone or return your phone calls and text messages and i dont mean a lot of messages about 15 guessing within two or three weeks....normal for us)

as for his actions. i am not responsable for his actions. however, (i need to talk to him about this) if i see or hear of him putting others in danger i will have to take action. i cant stand by and let others get hurt coz of his actions. (im talking about him drinking and driving while falling asleep with a low blood suger leviel behind the wheele of a car and other things he has been doing to could put others at risk) i dont mind him drinking but drinking + a low blood suger level + falling asleep + driving a car = some one or more than one person getting hurt or killed. eveyone including him is worth more than that.

as for his collage and job. (this is hard) its his life and his choice. i cant live his life for him. i can only point out the bad choices, tell him why they are bad choices, and hope for the best.

as for what he will not tell me he was packing for. i cant force him to tell me anything and i will not try to force him too. that is not my place. the only thing i can do is tell him to respect me enough not to hurt me. and if he dose hurt my feeling, hey ill make it through it. sure it will hurt for a little while but its not going to be the end of the world or anything like that. ive come this far so why let word hurt me more, thier just words. plus i know he would never hurt me by hitting or kicking or anything like that. he couldnt hurt a really im not kidding. there was a fly driving him crazy one night. i gave him a new paper to kill the fly with and he just couldnt do it. lololololol in the end he couched the fly out the front door. rofl but anyways sorry bout that i just needed a laugh and i found one yahoo!

as some have other survivors here have asked me tonight. how am i in all of this? i am super! there is no need to worry about me. i know my health is more important. i can take care of myself and if i need help i know where to go and who to ask. i am well taken care of.

i still need help and advice here with dealing with this. if you have any information that may prove helpful i would like to hear it. all is welcomed. i will still try to get him to come here as a survivor and get help from a T. if he comes here he can read what i wrote and i will leave again so he can heal. i see no need in making thing more complex than they need to be with both of us being here. so if he dose come here i will not be here anymore. i dont know if he will ever come here or see a T or both, but i can only hope for the best for him and for us.


"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."

#154835 - 05/07/07 08:43 AM Re: new but not to me [Re: hereforus]
pietie Offline

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
The one thing i would say in this situation is to not put to much pressure on him. Not to see a T or to subscribe to the site. Perhaps you can print one or two posts in here about the site and show it to him. Not putting any pressure on him is currently the best thing - my opinion.

Not Perfect, just forgiven

#154860 - 05/07/07 02:33 PM Re: new but not to me [Re: pietie]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome back to Male Survivor. As you say you have been around in the past you probably already know much of what I will say here.

Unfortunately, friends and partners can only be helpful to a survivor in encouraging him to get the help he needs and face his issues honestly and directly. All the real work has to come from him, and it has to come when he is ready. That cannot be rushed, and in fact if he feels cornered or pressured that can make a guy close down emotionally even more.

That said, it makes a big difference to a guy to find that he is special to someone and supported by that person. Hearing that it wasn't his fault - over and over again - is useful, and he needs to hear that you accept and support him without reservations. If he does begin to talk, just listen and don't try to offer suggestions or fix anything.

And of course feel free to talk to the people here in this forum. This is a venue for you, after all. If you have had personal difficulties with guys on the site in the past, well, maybe you should talk to those guys privately and see what can be done. But I hope you won't hesitate to take advantage of the MS site. This place is about healing, not keeping score. I doubt there is anyone here who has a perfect sterling record.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#154871 - 05/07/07 03:46 PM Re: new but not to me [Re: roadrunner]
Nathan LaChine Offline

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5427
Loc: Washington State

Yes you have gotten some good answers to start with. The hardest part of my life was learning I cannot change the world no matter how much I tried. You care a great deal for th person that is clear. Sounds like you steered him in the right direction by getting in to see a doc. It took him months to trust you enough to say he was a survivor and that took alot of trust. Give him time to open up to you.

His actions are effecting you and your actions can effect him as well. Take on one challenge at a time and work with him on that. Communication is going to be the key here try and rebuild that level of communication and trust. You can take him to the door but he must open it. Just knowing you have someone who cares and loves you, gives you the strength to go on. Your doing good just take it slow and talk everything out.

lots of love, Nathan

#154935 - 05/08/07 01:53 AM Re: new but not to me [Re: Nathan LaChine]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi here,

Don't forget that as many similarities there are among survivors, everyone's experience and healing journey is going to be a little different. He may need to work out some things differently from the way that you did. Usually just listening is better than anything you could say.

It can be hard to support a survivor even if you are just "standing by"-- this forum is a good place to come with those feelings. I'm glad you are doing well and taking care of yourself.


#155630 - 05/11/07 03:54 PM Re: new but not to me [Re: SAR]
hereforus Offline

Registered: 05/06/07
Posts: 82
Loc: usa
well i still cant get ahold of him but that could be a good thing to. i think he just needs time and that ill give him. i will leave him voice mail to let him know im here for him and to let him know he has all the suport in the world when he is ready to talk. that is all i can do.

now something i read in another post rings a phraze of truth to it. first i know my healling is more important that i have not forgotten about. second how much time and energey to i want to put forward into helping him? as of now i know i want to give him as much as i should for someone i love, but i need to think about just how much that is. it is still different from say a mother or father or brother or sister.

i also need to think about where the relationship is and also if he should be in a relationship right now. i know im at a point to where i can handle a relatioship even one with a survivor because of what all is going on in each of our lives and where we are and ext. but i also need to think about him and where he is at with his healling. in a relationship I cant think just about myself. its like being inbetween single and parent when it comes to how much do i think about the other person in the "give and take" thing.

we know the relationship works because of some of the things we have been through together. (my old job, (that happened to be next door to his job), eating in public (homoaphobic people around us all the time), shopping together and for each other, fights we have had (all in words or looks on our faces), things between us and family, other guys or girls hitting on one of us when we are on a date, the list goes on and on. but we stuck together through it all and worked it out. we became stronger in the end because of it. i know that this (the CSA) is a big one and i hope we can make it through it together but i know we may not make it through it. i hope we do.

more later

"I will never forget, nor shall I choose too remember."


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