it's kind of painful to talk about this.

for the longest time - i felt so nearly isolated in terms of my experience.

my father's demands so extreme - that i live and do as he say only -

in order to be worthy- of his 'support' - but financial only since - he likes

to hurt people for fun - true -

it's insane - but - it's how he is -

shudders - no wonder- i live as i do -

i often felt so bizarrely taught to reject any connection - nearly instantly for fear -

or - for the hurt that happened -


now it's taking a while - to know -remember again and again - we all have struggles -

it's not that - i didn't think this - but i woudl exist perhaps

in such a state of self denail - for the constant - inner pressure -

that -truly - i woudl think - no one has this kind of hurt - or

instead - i'd have a totally pompous - view - for the teaching i had - in as much as

a rules - or impractical view -

if i like someone - i like someone - and - i can't set myself or him in a kind of

perfection box -

i am not sure if this makes a kind of sense - i just talked to someone -

and after i spoke iwth him - i felt kind of judgemental - or i felt like i was kind of flippant -

i used to so pressure to be 'listening'

i didn't care so much -

it's been a rough time - realizing stuff - and yes - experiencing a lot of hurt -
and stuff - and trying to get on - despite - the hazy mind thing -

or just plain loosing track to nicer moments -

in any event - i think its important - that we all be as good as we can to each other -

at least here - and everywhere - but - also - being good to ourselves - foremost

since life - is survival - but i am wanting my home - to be more about peace

than anything -

" not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous