it's kind of painful to talk about this.
for the longest time - i felt so nearly isolated in terms of my experience.
my father's demands so extreme - that i live and do as he say only -
in order to be worthy- of his 'support' - but financial only since - he likes
to hurt people for fun - true -
it's insane - but - it's how he is -
shudders - no wonder- i live as i do -
i often felt so bizarrely taught to reject any connection - nearly instantly for fear -
or - for the hurt that happened -
now it's taking a while - to know -remember again and again - we all have struggles -
it's not that - i didn't think this - but i woudl exist perhaps
in such a state of self denail - for the constant - inner pressure -
that -truly - i woudl think - no one has this kind of hurt - or
instead - i'd have a totally pompous - view - for the teaching i had - in as much as
a rules - or impractical view -
if i like someone - i like someone - and - i can't set myself or him in a kind of
perfection box -
i am not sure if this makes a kind of sense - i just talked to someone -
and after i spoke iwth him - i felt kind of judgemental - or i felt like i was kind of flippant -
i used to so pressure to be 'listening'
i didn't care so much -
it's been a rough time - realizing stuff - and yes - experiencing a lot of hurt -
and stuff - and trying to get on - despite - the hazy mind thing -
or just plain loosing track to nicer moments -
in any event - i think its important - that we all be as good as we can to each other -
at least here - and everywhere - but - also - being good to ourselves - foremost
since life - is survival - but i am wanting my home - to be more about peace
than anything -
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders
"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous