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#15264 - 09/22/03 09:37 PM A big empty space
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sitting here I can look up and see the colourful Indian tapestry we bought home from Nevada, an Ansell Adams print of Yosemite Valley, a picture of the house I grew up in, an old poscard showing our house dated 1903 and lots of photographs that I have taken on out travels.
I like walls covered in pictures, especially ones that mean something to me.

And I know I've often mentioned the old newspaper photograph of me, and all my friends, when I was about ten years old.
It's a newspaper picture of a Scout Troup at a Jamboree, and we're all dressed as pirates.
When I found it again about four years ago it struck a chord in me, I looked happy and I was, it was a happy time before the abuse started.

So I put it on the wall, and young David gave me a lot of support.

Last night I took it down ready to take and show the guys in my group, and as I was putting it in an envelope it slipped out of my hand........and in a chance to remote to even think about, it fell into the shredder and went through before I could stop it.

I never believed something that would seemingly be so insignificant normally, could actually be so important.

I keep looking up and he isn't there.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#15265 - 09/23/03 12:43 AM Re: A big empty space
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Dave,

Little, happy Dave is still there, the happy times in your childhood are still there, just one visible reminder is gone. Maybe the archives at the newspaper would have something on microfiche that you could get a copy of.

Photographs are important to me now too. I've seen a lot of them from when I was a little kid and I don't remember anything about when or where they were taken. The fact that I was there and smiling is a reminder that there were happier times even if I can't always remember them. I remember the other times all too vividly in the greatest detail. It seems sometimes that those memories burned away all the wonder of childhood out of my existance.

We were all little and vulnerable at one time. In times of stress I sometimes start to feel that way again. Seeing pictures of myself as a little kid help me realize that I am now a lot stronger and more in control of what happens to me and what I do. It's reassuring.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#15266 - 09/24/03 08:47 PM Re: A big empty space
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA
Dave,

I'm sorry to hear about that. I read about photos and boyhood clothes as I'm catching up and I felt sad that I have so little from before the physical abuse began. I can only imagine how sad you must feel to have something like that and lose it. I hope you can find something from a microfiche, etc., or maybe one of the other guys in the troup would have a copy.

Remember though that little Dave is in you. Steve's right that the photo was a single visible reminder. The boy lives on, and I'll wager he's had an ounce of fun now and again with an adult sized 4x4, too! \:\)

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#15267 - 09/24/03 11:48 PM Re: A big empty space
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Thanks, I was so pissed off and upset late Sunday night - I hardly slept, and Monday I was not much better.
But I'm ok now.

I'm going to get a new photo next time I go to my parents house, there's going to be one there somewhere that will hit a new spot for me I bet.

But I think I will try our local paper and see what access they have to their archives, I did like that picture - I just looked so happy \:\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#15268 - 09/25/03 04:30 PM Re: A big empty space
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Dave:

That was really unfortunate. But you are doing the right thing. Looking to replace it with an equally happy picture and that is good. I got rid of all, and I mean all, my childhood pics. I cannot ever remember not forcing a smile

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#15269 - 09/25/03 06:03 PM Re: A big empty space
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
sorry you lost such a personally important reminder of life before abuse. i was looking through old stuff the other night, and i know how emotional those can be.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#15270 - 09/26/03 10:51 PM Re: A big empty space
Valenfor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/03
Posts: 38
Loc: Phoenix
Quote:
Originally posted by mikechurch:
I got rid of all, and I mean all, my childhood pics. I cannot ever remember not forcing a smile
As sorry as I am to hear about the picture and techno screwup that caused its loss. On the other side I just wanted to say I was glad to read this from Mike.

As I sat here reading this thread and other threads about the litte one inside, well - the times I really remember being happy where after I turned 15 and the last gay 'relationship' ended. Then I had a few ok years where the only times I really remember being happy - no one was around.

My wife always loves pictures and yet I seldom do. I guess I feel the same with a forced smile.

Val

_________________________
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!
Stained - 'It's Been Awhile'

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#15271 - 09/26/03 11:08 PM Re: A big empty space
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
I went to get a picture of the sunset at Rosarito Beach. I didn't take it. Some one once said a picture is worth a thousend words, but at that moment I found I had nothing to say.


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#15272 - 09/27/03 05:28 AM Re: A big empty space
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Dave, I think the papers archives is a good idea. I would think that they have it. But, you may need to give them a date around which you think it was taken.

Go for it tho. I know that looking at pictures of me as a child and youth has been one of the most healing things I have done.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#15273 - 09/28/03 12:35 AM Re: A big empty space
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Dave,

Guess I missed this post earlier in the week.

I'm sorry for your loss, but you are taking the right course. I'm sure the paper will have it in their archives.

Good luck!!!

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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