i just got a note from a friend - who is really feeling poorly -
and will experience even more upset for the nature of the illness -
it's terrible -
We can send good wishes. Please send good wishes.
I've had a fairly significant day - as - I woke up - and went to the gym -
and then on the way back connected with a - 'blockage' i've had for years.
I knew I was gay - always - but - I was so caught up in the rules of life -
I just worked - instead of going for my life - and also - if i liked someone
i usually recoiled - because of it's being 'unacceptable' - though - i truly
kept wishing and wanting.
the first adult - male sexual relatinship - was at 19 -
and it was great - not only because of the kissing - and the sex -
but truly - the way we met - he was a roommate of my family's friend's son -
we were all dorming at NYU - in the summer of 89 - when i was working
in NYC -
we got to know each other slowly -
it then turned into more.
in the professional world - i did date one other -
but still i was very young - and he was twelve years older -
i never pursued - was always pursued - and so - i think i had sex 4 times in my twenties lol
i was always working - or painting - or investing... whatever -
at 35 - i finally said 'f$#&) it" and
went into WEHO (gay west hollywood.)
the raw sexuality of the place - was intimidating - the design - loud music
- I sucked it - up and just went - scared - and
i made really big mistakes - but also learned alot -
thankfully - i was safe always -
relationships in this day and age - at least publicly seem to be about sex -
I was on my way home from the gym - and I saw someone - who just had
a look that said something -
he looked like someone i knew from Milan - in my days at school.
his clothes - hair - clean - sharp -
and i thought of the past - i am glad - that -
i have that sexual experience stuff behind me -
- i do miss relationships - i do like sex - and kissing
i dunno - i can't blame ayone for it but me - but it's like
i really want a friend again - to eat dinner with and go to the musems as
in NYC ....
i think at this point - the mainstream of gay life - is not where i will find someone
but having that memory of NYC - maybe might help me know where -
I think - i said to myself - I can't have the one I want - it's not what the mainstream
'projects' - or what the FLASHINESS - allures -
in some weird way - i guess - i think i just need to take myself out -
again - start doing this -
and be patient - rather than go for an instant self pressured thing -
my most successful relationships - mostly happened - when i wasn't looking..