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#152464 - 04/24/07 12:32 AM Struggling :(
gunzor Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: England
If you have read my other posts about my life, I was abused by my sister and then by a much older women.

ever since i was maybe 11 or 12 years old I have found the female body terribly disgusting, especially brunnettes with brown eyes (as this reminded me of the abusers). These anti-brunnette-feelings are taking me over. I'm even struggling to watch television if I see a maybe sexually suggestive woman in a msic video for example. I feel I'm going out of my mind! I've always 'known' I was gay ever sinse i was maybe 10 Yrs. But recently I'm doughting this, as whenever I have a gay thought a big thing goes through my head and takes over all other thoughts: - maybe i'm I feel gay because i was put off women. And I used to be able to 'get off' on gay thoughts etc, but now it just reminds me of the past. I'm 16 now and about 1 month ago I was really badly questioning my gender identidy. I think this could be the idea of making myself a new person, but I don't know. These are things I feel I can't talk to any body outloud about \:\(

PS: ty roadrunner for directing me to the childline, its helped me SOOOOO much! I'm now seeing a therapist for the next 6 weeks.

#152538 - 04/24/07 06:13 AM Re: Struggling :( [Re: gunzor]
skooter27 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/08/07
Posts: 7
Loc: Fairbank, AK

I wouldn't concentrate so much on the title of whether or not you are gay or straight, and just concentrate on what your heart is telling you. It is easy to be emotional, but listen to where your heart is directing you. I know that sexually it can be frustrating and confusing. But your still young, and your sexuality will come, whether it be gay or straight. Trust your body, and yourself.

Even I find myself having to remind myself that every touch is not bad, and there are some people that can be trusted. Maybe if you keep this in mind you will not go to those horrible memories, and you will be able to just enjoy your sexuality. We have to be able to allow ourselves to be open and trust again. Even though it may be hard.

For example, I believe I am gay, but I was abused by a male. I hate that I 'get off' on male images and with men, because of my experience, and therefore at times I force myself to think I am straight. But that in turn is killing who I truly am. In order for me to be fully happy I have to trust my heart, since I obviously cant trust anyone else. Trust your own feelings, if you like boys, then like boys, and if your straight be straight. Be true to yourself, don't let your mind rule your heart.

GOOD LUCK!!! \:\)

Edited by skooter27 (04/24/07 06:15 AM)

#153549 - 04/30/07 08:58 PM Re: Struggling :( [Re: skooter27]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Please don't think I am patronizing you here, but hey bro, you are 16! There is so much going on in a 16-year-old guy's developing feelings of sexuality anyway, WITHOUT abuse issues. You sound overwhelmed, and I think what you need to do is focus on being YOU, without worrying too much about gender confusion and whether you are straight or gay.

After all, "gay" and "straight" aren't opposites, in that very few guys are absolutely one or the other. There are many possibilities in between and all around. And did you know that probably about a third of boys have some sort of sexual contact with other boys before they are out of their teens? That includes guys who turn out to be "straight". It's not so simple as you might think.

I'm glad Childline helped you, and it's great news you are seeing a T. Just be you, my friend, and be honest about your feelings with your T. The whole idea of seeing a pro is to get expert help with really complicated problems. Okay?

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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