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#151971 - 04/21/07 07:11 AM I'm sorry
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Iím sorry

Iím sorry that I canít be like all of you. Iím sorry that I canít just ďgo out there and do it.Ē

Iím sorry that I have thoughts that plague me.

Iím sorry that Iíll never be good enough to be a father.

Iím sorry that I never did what God intended me to do. I really wanted to, I tried. I tried hard enough to cry when I failed.

Iím sorry that this life is empty. I tried to change it, but all I got was rejections and nonacceptance.

When I tried to venture out of my walls of protection and isolation, I was met with indifference and judgment.

Iím sorry that I never figured it out.

But I wanted to, I really wanted to. I just wanted to matter and make a difference to SOMEONE.

#151988 - 04/21/07 12:14 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: Hauser]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
you do

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#152002 - 04/21/07 01:32 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: shadowkid]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12137
Loc: Denver, CO
I agree with Shadow.

You do.

Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#152019 - 04/21/07 03:37 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: FormerTexan]
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Count me in on this one. You do Hauser. Who you are has made a difference to me. You'd be surprised how often I think of you, and when I do, it's always as someone who always cares about others. I have a picture in my head of everyone here. Gotta do that to talk to someone. You have always been this very big and very strong guy. May not be what you really look like, but shows how I think of who you are.


I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#152063 - 04/21/07 06:58 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: Bobby]
ChainBreaker Offline

Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan
You make a big difference to me, Hauser. I'm learning a lot from you. I wish we all could just get together and talk sometime. There are so many people on this site who are important and don't believe it . . . if we could just get about 50 of us together in one place, we would be able to talk over these things in person and see how much others truly value us. I am praying for you and your job situation. I've faced months of unemployment in the past, and I understand the misery. I even spent several months in the produce department at Kroger, even though I have two advanced degrees. Sometimes it takes a while to find your niche. But I believe yours is out there, just waiting for you.

I look at you as a brother.

When I figure out who I am, I'll add a signature line.

#152098 - 04/21/07 09:05 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: ChainBreaker]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

You mean so much to so many of us here, and you do make a difference. And have a look at all the things you're sorry for. All of us have been through those feelings of emptiness and futility, and many of us still struggle. In any case, no one here is able to just "go out there and do it".

Stick with us, Alan, and you will figure things out along with the rest of us.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#152187 - 04/22/07 11:59 AM Re: I'm sorry [Re: roadrunner]
george of kent Offline

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
You are more than "good enough".
You are a child of God, a beautiful man who has made a very large impact within this community/brotherhood.
Please, do not put yourself "down" -- you have made, and will continue to make, a great positive difference in the lives of many of our brothers.
Much love,

"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

#152194 - 04/22/07 02:16 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: george of kent]
dan17 Offline

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 72
First of all, you have nothing to apologize for
Second of all, I agree with the others. You're fantastic! You don't give yourself nearly enough credit. You really make a difference to me as well as to everyone here. And to be totally honest, a lot of the things you say about yourself sound exactly like me. You're not alone in this. Just keep a positive outlook. I know that's WAY easier said than done, but sometimes keeping positive is the only thing that saves a person.

#152221 - 04/22/07 06:03 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: dan17]
MemoryVault Offline

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
If we could all just see ourselves through each others' eyes for an hour...

So much of that self-blame would dissolve...
We'd see how crazy it is to be so compassionate to others and so hurtful to ourselves...
We'd spend the same time and energy we give to others to support, comfort, and heal them, on ourselves, and know we deserve it...
That inner judge would finally be thrown out of court!

If you want to borrow my point of view for a while, Hauser, you haven't failed--you've succeeded at challenges most people don't even know exist. Be kind to yourself!

David (MV)

#152234 - 04/22/07 07:15 PM Re: I'm sorry [Re: MemoryVault]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I second Adam's note!!!

You were the first to pull me out of my major funk episodes.

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