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#15114 - 05/15/03 10:55 PM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR PRESENTATION KEN.....thank you so very much for your professional input here....i know you have helped me in many ways by answering some very difficult questions that i have struggled with very have been a beacon in the darkness concerning several issues i have been unable to find answers from any other source...thank you so much for caring.....michael

#15115 - 05/16/03 01:22 AM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
Sleepy Offline

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
That was a wonderfully articulated piece that you wrote. I'd like to sign my name at the bottom of it, if that's okay. Thanks for sharing it.

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

#15116 - 05/16/03 02:49 AM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

Thanks for starting this thread it has been amazing reading these incredible stories of real survivors. I look forward to reading your presentation when you post it and wish you well in presenting it.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#15117 - 05/16/03 05:57 PM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Hi Guys:
I'm still writing the speech. I am using some of your comments to help sensitize the professionals who work with sexually abusive youth to understand better the impact of the abuse.

What I need is something to end on a positive note. I want to say something about resiliance of survivors despite what happened to them. To give hope to the kids who were abused that it doesn't mean that life will be full of pain, addictions, failed relationships, etc.

What makes survivors strong? What hope is there for a 15 year old kid who has acted out sexually?

I need to know by early Fri evening.

Thanks for your efforts. Final speech will be posted probably by Wed.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#15118 - 05/16/03 06:11 PM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ken check your pm. Hope it helps



#15119 - 05/16/03 09:16 PM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i so wish i could give you something positive, but i feel nothing positive in my life.....

guess it was positive that i was able to control my sick sexual urges and i did not abuse any children even though i had thoughts in that regard......but i'm really unsure if that was strength at work or simply the extreme fear of getting caught.....i know i am very grateful that i did not pass along this curse, i simply could not tolerate the knowledge that i might have hurt somebody and that they might possibly live with the torment that has consumed my life............

maybe one day i might find something uplifting????????????? if only that were of luck......

#15120 - 05/16/03 09:47 PM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
The positive message would be:

If we work at it, there is great empathy for others' pain and difficulties. There is a spirit of innocence, re-found with as much hope as when it was interrupted by the abuse.

There are dreams awakened, fears banished and abilities re-discovered.

I believe Suriviors are excellent parents, although we do not think so.

We become strong through education: by learning that we are not alone and by having others learn about what we have gone through. We become stonger through mentoring: the men here who have been through what others are experiencing support their joourney, and help them not to feel afraid.

We are not monsters, we are not to be pitied, but we are different.

I fear that a focus on resilience doesn't give us our due. We are resilient from the very experiences we have had to suffer. I would hate to have that interpreted as beneficial. "See, it builds resilience..."

That said, I hope we all find something good to celebrate, today and every day.

And lastly, when we band together, we are as strong and devoted and caring and powerful as a pack of wolves...



And let the darkness fear our light.

#15121 - 05/16/03 10:13 PM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
What makes survivors strong?

Damn that's a great question!

Too bad I don't have a great answer!...


What makes a survivor strong is their own will to survive, their own inner strength, their own true being & self. It is out of that a survivor seeks support, therapy, help, health, happiness, or any other good thing.

Simple yet so complicated.

Sure I need support and help to be strong. Even to have perseverance in being strong. But the desire & determination to be strong must ultimately be my own, or no amount of strong support and supportive people will help me.

My recovery, my responsibility my strength.

But sure as shootin' that means if I'm really strong I'm strong enuf to seek out the support I need. Like right here.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#15122 - 05/16/03 10:54 PM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
What makes survivors strong, is there hope ?

a hell of a question Ken.

What makes me strong is adapting the survival techniques I needed to survive. For 31 years I graduated from using mild homo-erotic fantasy while I made love or masturbated to making them come true by acting out with other men.

The power of the fantasy was enormous in the later stages, I created a rush better than any drug or drink I've ever used.

Through therapy and support from many sources, my wife , a few friends and MS I've used that energy to heal, and now that I'm well into my recovery I channel it into helping other survivors both here,and at a charity here in the UK called Axis, that provides therapy for adult SA survivors.
I have started a course to become a counsellor, hopefully to be able to use my experiences and knowledge of SA to help others.
My involvement with the MS. web site is a part of my commitment to helping other survivors, I know what can be achieved, I live a better life now, and I have a burning desire to pass that on to others.

In my "spare" time I'm the editor of the newsletter for an Off-Road 4x4 Club, and I'm on the committee helping to organise a full calender of competitive events.
My love of 4x4's means I have to drive one, and in the world of competitive 4x4 events an old Land Rover just won't do any more. So I'm building a custom built machine from scratch.

Somehow I'm holding down a full time job as a maintainance fitter and I've been married for 29 years this year.

That's a full schedule that barely gives me time to think, but it's a life I enjoy.
And more importantly one I couldn't have dreamt of barely five years ago.

At that time I was still giving blow jobs to strangers in grubby toilets, my marriage was on the brink of disintegrating, my days were devoted to sexual fantasy and suicide was a serious option.

What makes me strong ?
I used every trick in the book to survive, and those techniques saved me. They really did keep me alive.
And even though many people might judge acting out as a weakness; it's not. It's surviving the only way I knew how. It was my strength at that time.

I survived therefore I was strong.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#15123 - 05/17/03 12:01 AM Re: If you were abused by an adolescent
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

Don't know if this is any help, but I thought of something.

There's an essential core of goodness that doesn't die in abuse. It's the thing we protect by pretending we're somewhere else. It's the source of our strength, and our wellspring of hope in the worst moments. At some level, we just don't give up on ourselves. That's why we survive; that's why we attempt to recover.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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