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#15069 - 10/25/02 11:57 AM Dear Brian,
Brian B14 Offline

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Dear Brian,

You're such a sweet, innocent young boy. You're much too young to realize what is going on. I know that you are very big and very smart for an 11 year-old boy. I know you think you are wise to the world, but please believe me, the wisdom that you think you have comes only with years and years of being on this earth and knowing about people and the evil things that go on in their minds. It is impossible for even the smartest of 11 year olds to know such evil and sickness exists. Whatever tricks your mind is playing on you, you must remember and believe this: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

I know that this concept must be very difficult for you to understand and accept. I know you thought that you were getting over on him; that you were out smarting him. You wanted to look at those Playboy magazines. It was still not your fault! You liked looking at those beautiful naked women. You felt like you were a bad boy looking at the girls. He not only let you look at those magazines, he actually encouraged you to do it! He was manipulating you all the way. All young boys your age are curious and like to look at naked girls. That is perfectly normal. I know that you felt like you were committing a sin and you should go to hell, but you were being a normal 11 year-old boy. There was nothing wrong with you then and there is nothing wrong with you now. He was using his 37-year-old mind against you and he was also using YOUR 11-year-old mind against you too. You didn't stand a chance. You were no match for such an evil and sick man. He manipulated you and then he took advantage of you. It was not your fault! None of it! He was 100% responsible for everything that happened to you!

Brian, I'm so very sorry that these terrible, awful things happened to you. I wish I were there to protect you from this evil monster! He has caused you so much anger, hurt and pain. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. He would not have been able to hurt you if I was there. I would have stopped him. I would have called the police on him. They would have locked him up so he couldn't hurt you anymore. I know you thought he was your friend because he was nice to you. You didn't want him to go to jail, but you were too young to realize what damage he was doing to you. He was committing a crime and breaking the law. He didn't wear a mask, or dress up all in black or have a frown on his face all the time, but he was a criminal none the less! He smiled and was nice to you so he could trick you into thinking he was your friend. He was a criminal, an evil monster that belonged in jail.

You were so lonely. You just started a new school and hadn't made many friends yet. You didn't have a dad and your mom was working all the time. He knew all of this and used it to his own disgusting, perverted advantage. You didn't have anyone to talk too, and he was pretending to be your friend. I wish I were there to protect you. None of this would have happened if I were there. I would have not let him hurt you. I would have talked to you and been your best friend. That's all you wanted: someone to love you.

Brian, I'm sorry to say that you have a long and difficult road ahead of you. Your mind will play tricks on you for many years to come. Brian, please know that there are a lot of good people and things out there in the world. Don't let this terrible experience consume your entire life. There is help out there. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life. Don't let the darkness overcome you and ruin your life. Fight back and live your life!!

God loves you and he wants you to live your life to the fullest and experience all the joy of his gifts. You Brian, are one of God's most precious gifts of all! He wants you to feel good about yourself. He wants you to grow up and enjoy your life. He wants you to become a policeman so that you can help people and protect children from mean and evil criminals. He wants you to fall in love with a beautiful woman and have your own family so that you can see what happiness and joy really is!

Brian, I'm going to be with you throughout this journey. I know there will be a lot of times when you are really scared; so scared that you are paralyzed with fear. I will be there to help you through the really tough times. I will be there to talk to you and be your best friend. I know that you really need someone to love you and believe in you. I will always love you and believe in you. You are God's precious gift: you are a miracle!

God Bless You,


#15070 - 10/25/02 06:10 PM Re: Dear Brian,
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Love you both Brian - Thank you for posting such a healing letter. My tears are for you and me and for the miracle of healing.

(((((((((((Brian & brian))))))))))))))

......T and t

"..this place isn't a discussion's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

#15071 - 10/25/02 09:53 PM Re: Dear Brian,
Roy Offline

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles

Thank you for doing the hard job that you do. Thank you for writing the words that sometimes I don't know how to say to the lonesome boy inside of me. Thank you for showing me one way I can take care of myself.


#15072 - 10/26/02 12:57 AM Re: Dear Brian,
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI

What a wonderful experience to read your letter and see how you have grown and integrated the things in your life. The kids you and your officers take care of are very fortunate.

You are a wonderfully sensitive and strong man. It is an honor to know you. Keep loving that little Brian and be really proud of him and how has has grown, despite that things that happened to him. And yes Brian, be sure you never let him think for a millisecond that any of it was his fault.

Peace be with you Brian.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#15073 - 10/26/02 01:10 AM Re: Dear Brian,
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I know Brian read your letter.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#15074 - 10/26/02 02:16 AM Re: Dear Brian,
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Brian & Brian \:\) :

Couldn't read this without crying for both of you, for both of me, and for all of us hurting man-boy male survivors. Crying becuz of the hell on earth we've been thru. Cring becuz of the hope for healing & thriving that we have, that shines thru your words.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us in this way! Reading it & crying over it is a cathartic experience for me. It hits so close to home for me!

I lived in an incestuous relationship with my mother from infancy until I was 12. I was a surrogate husband, overexposed to constant nudity & sexuality. And she liked to share me or spread me around too.

When I was ten, she sold me (tho I didn't know that then) to a gay couple, friends of hers I thot were friends of mine. I thot we were going to their apartment just to play & pal around. I had no idea what that meant in their sick minds!

They raped me. Then brot me home like nothing happened. My mother was waiting & took the money. Like nothing happened.

But the child she had been slowly poisoning died. Little Wuame, who had never had a chance to be a child, was buried that day. There was now only a ten year old man who had never been a child, had always had to be grown up, but didn't know how to be a man either.

But he damn sure tried, and he survived!

Even as a child, he was too good a man for her & she knew it! Mother put him in a children's home & abandoned him, but did him a big favor!

Thirty-five years later, about a year ago, flashbacks started reminding me of what had happened to little Wuame. We've been working together on recovery, on re-integrating our dis-integrated selves, becoming whole, healthy, & happy. With a lot of help from our friends!

I had started writing & talking to little Wuame. Lately we've gotten rather occupied in dealing with things like our PTSD, our depression, our chronic physical pain, our obsessive compulsive habits, and our sex/porn addiction. And therapy, where we've just done some serious dealing with mother; we're putting her and the past behind us.

You guys have inspired me! Especially Brian & Brian. Little Wuame & I are gonna take some more time to talk, and I'm gonna write him a nice long letter.

We are more determined than ever! Little Wuame is going to have the childhood he never had, and Big Wuame is going to enjoy it with him! And we are going to grow up & grow strong together, and become the person we're meant to be, as God created us, whole & sacred & special, in His image!

Thanks so much, Brians! All you guys, you're terrific & special! Thanks!


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck


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