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#150049 - 04/10/07 03:42 PM My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS*
buzz_key Offline

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Let me first start out by saying that I've got a lot of crap working against me that BOTH of my parents did.
I have very spotty memories before 7 or 8 years old.
I have sketchy memories of living in Japan and North Dakota, my dad was in the Air Force. Life was not enjoyable, my father "trained" us from birth. I have often heard stories from family that all he had to do was snap his fingers in the air, and no matter what room we were in, if we heard it we stopped immediately whatever we were doing and found him. I am wondering if my abuse started earlier than my memories tell me. When living in North Dakota, I remember one morning getting up, walking to the top of the stairs in my pajamas and collapsing, unable to walk. I couldn't feel my legs, let alone control them to allow me to stand. I remember being taken to the hospital and having examinations and x-rays, but that's it. The next day I had full control over my legs again.

My dad was a distant person, but he worked on airplanes and I wanted to be just like him.

I pick up things at the age of mother is a slut in the town we live dad is in Thailand. My two sisters and I are left for days at a time a babysitter's homes. My mom often takes us to the barswhere she picks up these guys. Many times she hauls over to their houses.
One day, she totally abandons us...up and leaves for good. My older sister and I go to my dad's parents. My younger sister goes to one of my dad's sisters and her family.
This is our living arrangement for 3 years. My father is bac from Thailand and stationed in Kansas City. He only comes to visit us every few weekends or so, but we look forward to it.....I still remember wanting to be like him, working on jet fighters.
Well, here comes dad gets assigned to Luke AFB in Phoenix and decides it is time to take all three of us kids off of the other family members hands. It was a two day trip to Phoenix, stopping the fist night in Amarillo, TX.

That night in TX, I wake up in the night to my dad sexually assaulting my older sister. I just lay there, frozen in fear and not understanding "why?".

We arrived in Phoenix the next evening and stayed in temporary housing where my dad abuses my sister again. I am scared shitless. We move into a trailer with some guy my dad knew from some other assignment, not only does my dadabuse my sister, but this guy does too. My dad finds out and gets angry about it and we move out and into an apartment.

We were only in the apartment a few weeks and a house came open on base, so we moved there. THIS IS WHERE MY REAL NIGHTMARE BEGINS.

It started with y dad just barging into the bathroom while I am taking a bath. He asks me "so you playing with it?" I have no clue what he is talking about. He points to my penis and says "your dick, see, I can tell you've been playing with it cause the head is red". I am VERY embarrassed and tell him that I wasn't. I try to cover myself and he tells me there is nothing to be ashamed of, all boys do it. He then proceeds to give my lessons in masturbating.

I am FREAKED out about all of this (My grandparents NEVER talked about such things and we never hugged or anything, we never said "i love you" either, "no need to say it, we all know it").

After my masturbation lessons - he starts visiting my room at night. I wake up in the night to him pulling my pajamas and underwear down and fondling my penis and testicles. I become aroused and obtain an erection - MY DICK IS BETRAYING ME! I DON"T WANT THIS... SO WHY IS MY DICK HARD? I was VERY confused and frightened. He would give me blow jobs and make me masturbate him. He began making me sleep with him. Make me spoon him from behind and try to stick my dick in him, but he's a heavy guy and I'm this little 9 year old, it won't go in.
Sometimes he wants to spoon the other direction, he sticks his dick between my legs and dry humps me. I HATE him!!!!

We are controlled beyond belief, we are not allowed outside - have no friends. There are "spankings" almost every day. I put the word spanking in quotes cause that's what he called them.... they were actually beatings. We were beat for stupid things, not cleaning the floors right, calling a friend w/o permission, etc.
The beatings were ALWAYS with no clothes on, either laying ove his lap or on his bed. Sometimes he used a belt, most often a wire hanger, one end crunched down to make a good handle. He would swing so hard....and so many times.... I screamed and screamed but he wouldn't stop. I tried to get way and run once....just once... he drew blood on my ass and legs bug time over that.

I HATE him for what he is doing.... he's a drunk, smokes, and makes me do these things! I CANNOT STAND THE SMELL OF STALE BEER AND CIGARETTES on his breath during the abuse.

So this abuse goes on for the next year, only me and my older sister.

But my sister and I NEVER say a word to each other about what is going on. Us three kids NEVER spoke a word to each other about ANY of it. And we never did until I was 35 years old.

After a year in Phoenix, my dad gets assigned to a base in England. We move there in 1971 and he steps the abuse up a notch -

Remember, my dad is an alcoholic, he gets up before the sun, goes to work, goes straight to the bar after work, drinks himself into a stupr, drives home and abuses us, goes to sleep, and gets up the next day and does it all over again.

He starts having all three of us kids sitting around the house naked, "we don't need to be ashamed of our bodies". He gives us beer to drink. He uses ice cubes and makes us hold them against our genitals and his. We have to take baths together, washing each other, paying special attention to genitals.

We aren't allowed to tell the family secret! Others wouldn't understand. We would be split up again if anyone knew.....So, we kept the secret.

This is also where my dad starting forcing himself into me. It wasn't enough to be fucking my sister, now he wanted to fuck me....WHY? I could never figure out why! I started spiraling down, fast, from that point on.

I was a mess, I did NOTHING at school, refused to do ANY work. Do you think anyone took the time to try and figure out why? Hell no.....

This is where i had my first sex with a girl too....turned out to be my sister. What a mess... I think we were reaching out to each other for comfort in the only way we knew how....we still couldn't speak about any of it to each other.

I started smoking, drinking, and drugs while in England.

3 years later, my dad is getting ready to retire. We move back to the states and his hometown in Missouri.

I'm a freakin' freshman in high school and he is STILL abusing me... I am a small framed kid, 125 pounds wet, and he is this big 5'11'', 200+ pound monster. He is still fucking me and making me give him blow jobs.

One night I am so angry...he is passed out in his bed....I go and get a butcher knife.....I stand in his doorway....trying so hard to get up the courage to kill him. But I couldn't....I was too afraid of having to tell why and thinking no one would believe me. What a chicken shit I was!

I am doing drugs big time now and still smoking and drinking.

All through high school this goes on. I hate myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I hate everything about myself.

I join the Air Force right out of high school, go to tech school, but I'm still a mess form all the abuse. Doing LSD, mushrooms, peyote, crack, coke to try and kill the pain and not feel.....

After two years I get busted in my dorm room, they find pot in my backgammon board. I refuse treatment and they kick me out.

I go back to hell hole Missouri. Still running from it all, doing drugs big time, start shooting up coke, crack, anything I can get my hands on. I move to OK where an uncle and cousin are living. I get a job cleaning buildings. One of the buildings is a bank, I steal checks and write fake checks all over the place. Cops are hot on me and my cousins trail so we split for Florida. Get stranded there. Another aunt and uncle bail me out of that. This is my rock bottom point. I am strung out, penniless and in Florida.

I get back to Missouri, move to another aunt and uncles farm to "get clean".

After two years, I get a job at a psych hospital for adolescents. Most rewarding job I've ever had. I meet my wife there, she is a social worker.

I FINALLY tell someone about my abuse, my future wife. We get married, she puts me through college. While in college the abuse effects me enough, mood swings, anger, i'm still drinkin' like a fish, that I go to the United Way Rape Crisis center seeking some kind of help. It is all women working with women;s issues. they try to help, but it didn't work. I move on and finish college.

In 1994 my first son is born and shortly thereafter, the whole fatherhood thing and being abused, gets me going again. I go to a counselor who isn't knowledgeable about male sexual abuse and that doesn't work out either. I quit that after a couple of sessions.

I decide to pre-occupy myself with my career at that point. I do this up until 2001. I go to a Promise Keepers event here in KC. I am blown away with this message of God, my true Father, loving me no matter what I had done or will do, all I have to do is believe in him and that he sent his son to die for me so that I could live in eternity with him. .... the thing that really got me was the message,,,,I didn't have to get myself right to have this relationship with him...HE would help get me right after we started our relationship.

I am here to tell you, since that day, I know, and see God working in my life a little at a time, leading me to just over a week ago, finding MS and having my first real T seesion last Thursday.....
moving to finally facing the abuse i experienced.

Well, sorry for the length of this, but it's the whole story. Thanks for this safe place to tell it.


#150050 - 04/10/07 03:44 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: buzz_key]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
all i can do with this is cry

#150052 - 04/10/07 04:06 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: Still]
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Buzz I feel for you, Sounds like it has been a long journy for you. Glad that you found this place and are getting help from a T. It is never easey to deal with all the shit from the past but it is the only way to move forward.


Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#150054 - 04/10/07 04:13 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: Still]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

You already know what I think, but here it is again. I think it's an act of real courage and faith in yourself when a new guy puts up his story.

Okay, sure, it does help the rest of us to get the context and some background; we have a better idea what our new brother is talking about. But the real benefactor is the guy who's telling the story. He gets to set it all down and look at it in black and white; lots of gaps probably, but it's more or less all there.

What do you see in this story, Buzz? I can just tell you what I see. I see, first and foremost, a child - alone, ashamed, confused, traumatized, feeling guilty, and all the rest of it. But that child is innocent, Buzz: innocent and powerless. Second, I see an older boy acting out in ways that are pretty harmful, but there too it's not his fault. Was he supposed to figure out how to cope all on his own? What resources did he have? Just courage and a will to survive, that's all. The rest he had to stumble through in the dark, getting beat up emotionally and physically at every step. The question isn't why did he do the things for which he may be tempted to blame himself now. The question is how did he survive.

That's what I see in the young adult as well, Buzz. Yes, as adults we have to take responsibility for what we do, but hey, we can leave the blame at the door. Blame is just a matter of tearing ourselves up for past problems that in many cases go right back to our abuse issues. Taking responsibility means looking forward and taking the hard steps required to get ourselves back on track; it means planning and committing to a brighter future.

As a man who is still more or less broken and mixed up spiritually, I envy you the way you have rediscovered the spiritual aspect of your life. It's great you are finding such a tremendous source of confidence in your faith and I wish you all the best with that.

When I put up the first part of my survivor story two years ago it was a stressful and exhausting experience, and I know you have had the same feeling over the past day or so. But you've done something really important here, and as time passes I know you will see more clearly what I mean. It's a big step and you should be proud of yourself. There is NOTHING in the lines above for which anyone here will judge you.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#150055 - 04/10/07 04:14 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: Muldoon]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Buzz. Thank your for your bravery and strength in sharing your story. I am so sorry for all of your pain. I am overwhelmed by what you had to endure. I am so happy to count you among my friends here at MS and am so glad you are moving forward. It is a long path, but together I think we can all keep going.

Thanks again for trusting us.


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#150058 - 04/10/07 04:28 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: dannym]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Buzz posted some pictures in the "Found Another" forum of Eddie's. Put your trigger guards on gents...these are doozies.

#150060 - 04/10/07 04:49 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: Still]
buzz_key Offline

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Guys, all of you, I am so..... overwhelmed right now - I am at work and I am praying that no one comes into my cube..... I am bawling and shaking like a leaf....I can't stop.

You all have just given me something that is so generally foreign to me, understanding, compassion and total acceptance....and finally support.

Since I started this rediscovery a little over a week ago, I have drawn so much knowledge, courage, and strenght from you guys....YOU AMAZE ME!

I thank God for leading me to this site and to each one of you.
Thank you isn't enough, but it's all I've got.

Thank you....

#150079 - 04/10/07 06:12 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: buzz_key]
pietie Offline

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa

Thank you for your brave post. And thank you for reminding me that God is the only answer. The support is here and people know what we are going through but only God is the answer.

I found this site afetr desperately looking for a day or two. I felt I need to get my klife sorted out to really be able to live up to my calling in life, and passion - helping people. Its not always easy but we are here with you every step of the way.

Not Perfect, just forgiven

#150083 - 04/10/07 06:23 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: pietie]
buzz_key Offline

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA

You are so right!! Thank you so much for your encouraging words.
Are you doing better? I was worried about you! I will keep you in my prayers.


#150091 - 04/10/07 06:51 PM Re: My Story - Buzz *TRIGGERS* [Re: buzz_key]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to take that huge step. I'm glad that you are here.


Recovery is Possible!

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