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#14971 - 05/05/03 05:07 AM male or female therapist?
tone Offline

Registered: 04/22/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Canada
I need some advice guys. I am looking at getting some therapy. I don't want to go with a female therapist because I feel partly embarrasment to tell some things to a women and it makes me feel uncomfortable. On the other hand I would like to see a male therapist, despite the fact that the abuse was from a male. So I'm thinking that maybe I want a male therapist because I would put myself under the control of a man and subcontiously i like to be controlled. Does this make any sense. I am really mixed up on this.

Exchange On a visit to England by Ghandi
Reporter:"what do you think of Western Civilisation,Mr.Ghandi?"
Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea.

#14972 - 05/05/03 05:29 AM Re: male or female therapist?
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

Both the therapists I have seen have ben male. even though it is men who have abused me. So I understand the mixed feelings you are having. I have also been to a couple retreats where there have been female therapist and they were great.

I would recommend meeting with several therapists without regard to their gender and see who you have the best "fit" with. If you are more comfortable with a male then my all means see that person, but do not discount what a female may have to offer you.

Find the right person to be your therapist, I think you will know them after you meet with hime or her. Good luck in your search.


Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#14973 - 05/05/03 05:39 AM Re: male or female therapist?
Sick Puppy Offline

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
It's a hard problem. With me I always think a female is going to f*ck with my head (this is what my mom did, among other things) and so I can't trust her, but with a male I am scared to be alone in the room with him because I think he will rape me. I guess it's just to weigh the pros/cons of one gender against the other and then see which one is best.

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

#14974 - 05/05/03 06:45 AM Re: male or female therapist?
liminal Offline

Registered: 02/21/02
Posts: 40
Loc: Detroit Metro
Before i started therapy i did not want a male therapist at all, but ended up with one. I was pretty cynical and skeptical at first. My current therapist is also male and now i can say it doesn't matter anymore to me which gender my T is.

It may be good to consider going with the gender you are most uncomfortable with, as you won't have much choice but to work on the issues associated with that gender.

#14975 - 05/05/03 10:46 AM Re: male or female therapist?
zadok1 Offline

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
my therapist was a male and openly gay. in fact he is a leader in promoting homosexual rights. i wouldnt have been totally comfortable telling anyone everything i have done, but i forced myself to. i went into therapy knowing they could only help if i was honest and open, and i promised myself that. sometimes it was very hard, but i always kept that promise.

the bottom line is that male or female, the therapist is simply a guide. the burden of healing is on you. you have to do the work to recover. you alone. holding back, and lying will only slow that down. i think find someone who feels comfortable and understanding, and kind of look at them as asexual if you can.


The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

#14976 - 05/05/03 11:21 AM Re: male or female therapist?
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

All the guys have come up with some good points to ponder.

I was choosing male T's long before I even remembered my CSA. Maybe that's who was available.
But I don't think I would have been as comfortable
with a woman becuz T's deal with my feelings & my mind, and to echo Josh & his experience my mother,
tho she was also my prime sex perp, was also my prime emotional abuser & in a way that was worse &
she really f*cked with my head. My pdocs have also
all been male.

On the other hand tho most of my sexual abuse was by women, I could not stomach the thot of a male massage T, and I have a very good female one. Perhaps this is becuz my last, & only overtly physically violent, incident of CSA was being raped by 2 gay men, a couple.

Yet I have a male chiropractor, whom I really like tho I'm still a bit nervous with him at times. Of course I only take my shirt off in his office...

Yeah I'm rambling. I hope you can weigh out all the pros & cons, Tone, and just find the T that is best for you. Maybe this will help:


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#14977 - 05/05/03 01:37 PM Re: male or female therapist?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I had a male for one to one therapy - he was superb, and now I'm in a group that's mediated by a woman, and she's just as good.

Don't worry about being graphic to a woman counsellor, they've heard it all before I promise you ! :rolleyes:

Just go with whoever make you feel comfortable, as Zadok says -
the therapist is simply a guide. the burden of healing is on you.
It's YOU doing the hard work.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#14978 - 05/05/03 01:51 PM Re: male or female therapist?
PeteT Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Michigan
My CSA was by a man. My T came highly recommended by the the company's T that I revealed my SA too. My T was also abused by a man and that help me because he understood what I had been through. It was important that the person that I was to reveal my most inner secrets too knew how I felt inside. He also was a minister for a number of years before he went into his own private practice so I felt I could trust him.
The main thing is you have to fine a person your comfortable with. Someone who can guide you, but knows what direction to take you in. Remember though your the one that has to do the actual work and you are paying him/her to help you. If you don't think you are getting the help that you are paying for, first of all tell him/her and second you always have the option of finding someone else.


#14979 - 05/05/03 02:25 PM Re: male or female therapist?
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
I think Pete brought up an important fact in looking for a "T", finding one that you can open up to and tell things that you may not have ever said. See I also was (we just move and I'm still looking for a "t" I like) seeing a "t" that had also lived through CSA, however mine was a female. I felt able to open up to her because on my first visit she told me about herself and in doing so she could have just as easily been talking about me and how I was feeling at the time. Now it may not be important to find one that had been abused the way we have, I think the important part is..
1. Can I trust this person
2. Can I learn to trust this person
3. Does this person have a real concern for my recovery
4. Do I feel comfortable with this person

IMHO.....the gender of the "t" isn't the issue... the true issue is can we as adult's that lived through CSA truely open up and trust someone. In finding someone male or female that we can feel able to trust is the first step in the road to recovery. After all how many of us dont trust anyone not even ourselves?

Ok now Im rambleing so I'll stop here. I hope this helps.

Good luck my brother wolf.


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#14980 - 05/05/03 03:21 PM Re: male or female therapist?
Marc Offline

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ

Along these same lines, I know especially as a survivor of Physical, emotional and sexual abuse; your trust becomes REALLY f%$ked up.

How do you know when you trust the T? I've been seeing mine now for two months. He seems compassionate, intelligent, insightful; In the back of my mind I think that, "I've seen all this sh&t before" and "there's a lot of bad therapist's out there, what makes this guy any different?".

I don't want to rush my therapy anymore 'cause I know that's not good and I know that I need to REALLY deal with my trust issues in a big way.

How long should I wait 'til I know that I've got "the right one".

Tone - I've had four "T's" throughout my life. All have been male. I don't think I look at gender as the decision as to wether they are a good choice. I feel that I know myself enough to realize that my relationship with my dad and the physical abuse has left me with 'authority' issues on that side so I choose males don't know yet if this is good or bad though.

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