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#149457 - 04/07/07 08:24 PM So much frustration (potential triggers)
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
So frustrated. Have to rant. So tired of the shame. Raped by my sister. But I liked it. Right now I loathe myself.

I try all night to find the love of a woman. I want to be with a women so bad. I love women. But I can't orgasm when I have sex with one. So I drink and I drink. Then I find myself walking into a gay bar. Then walking right back out. Never wanting to act. Never wanting to be emotional with a man. Totally confused.

How do you understand yourself when your mind tells you one thing and your body tells you another? Does it mean I'm gay that I can't orgasm with a woman. Do gay men orgasm when they have sex with women (or had in the past)? Why am I so screwed up?

#149476 - 04/07/07 10:45 PM Re: So much frustration (potential triggers) [Re: Cedric]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Cedric, you're asking a very complex question. There are a bunch of reason a guy could have orgasm or even erection problems. Many straight guys hit these bumps in the performance road. Some guys lose their erections prior to completing the sex act or ejaculate too early, too late or not at all. This is a good exploration to do with your T. or someone they refer you to. However, most of us leap to the fearful question, am I gay? There are so many other avenues to look into first. You might want to read a book on Male Orgasm/Ejaculation; or might want to search the topic through Google; and a host of other options.

One issue that will stop sex cold is worrying about your performance. Embarrasment. Fear of failure. what if [fill in the blank], etc. Worry builds up our stress levels. Stress re-routes our circulation leaving little for the area we "really, really need the blood to be" [erection]!

Gay men I know can generally orgasm with a female. I'm sure other guys here can let you in on that better than I.

I have problems with very long posts or responses. If you have questions, PM me and I'll try to answer as best I can. Don't be too hard on yourself, Cedric - keep seeking answers!!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#149560 - 04/08/07 02:34 PM Re: So much frustration (potential triggers) [Re: ScottyTodd]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Being able to have an orgasm is in some ways allowing yourself to lose control. You were abused by a female. Although you liked aspects of it, who was in control of that process?

One of the complications of sexual abuse by a female is that the myth that males are always ready, willing, and able to be the aggressor (ie, in control), is not true. The reality of an older female abusing you when you are not fully aware of what was going on and the ramifications of such an act is that you have a disconnect between what you are SUPPOSED to be enjoying, and what is actually going on.

You are likely not gay. It is the unresolved crap from the abuse by your sister, a female, that puts relations with a female into a bad zone for you. I suspect that when your issues with her are cleaned up, sex with females will be natural and easier.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#149577 - 04/08/07 03:52 PM Re: So much frustration (potential triggers) [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I would just echo what you have already heard from Howard and Ken. You sound like you inclination are more straight than gay: that is, you walk into a gay bar but walk right out becausethis isn't what you want.

I bet a lot of your problem with sexual contacts with women has to do with the fact that abuse by a woman makes heterosexual sex seem dangerous and reminds you of what happened in the past. So dealing with your abuse issues will have a lot to do with improving how you feel about sex.

Much love

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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