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#149 - 07/28/04 05:12 PM Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
I'm having a huge issue with my family right now. Bringing up a lot about why I never feel safe in telling them anything, let alone about the abuse. I'll try to sum up the trigger: my mother was telling me about her friend's granddaughter who is in the hospital. The girl is three and refuses to eat. She is afraid of things I was afraid of when I was little. The girl's mother has a live-in boyfriend. She is afraid of choking. The girl says things like "I just want to sleep and never wake up." Obviously, there is a great deal of similarity between this story and my own.

So, when I try to point out to my mother that this sounds psychological to me, she got very defensive. Said that my beliefs were my beliefs. That they should be ruling out the physical and not focusing on if there is abuse or not. My mother, when relaying this story to another family member, reported them saying: "That girl is mental!"

So, besides my anger and empathy for this child, I have to endure the denial that my family lives in. Next time I question why it is that I cannot face my past, and cannot think about telling my family, or question why no one stopped the abuse, I will let myself off the hook a little. I mean, with reactions like this, is it any wonder that I never told anyone anything about my "secrets?"

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#151 - 07/28/04 05:48 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Sean,

Our families let us down when we were hurt the first time. They were weak and failed us. There is no reason to expect that it will ever be any other way. So go ahead and let your self off of the hook.

Do what you can to help those who can be helped. Let go of the rest.

Aden


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#152 - 07/28/04 05:49 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Sean

I hope the little girl is alright.

Denial in the family is a hard one, most of us live with that one, my mother frequently says to me, do you remember when Anthony, my older brother was so ill when he was young?

You can guess, it was me who was so ill in childhood not him, sometimes this makes me feel so sad that she cannot relate to what happened, she can't even remember carting me around to so many clinics? Not getting the help I really needed. Maybe this is why this shit is so hard to talk about.

take care

ste

I never told anybody till I came here, but what a relief, you talk about not facing the past, but don't forger the past always faces you, every day

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#153 - 07/28/04 08:44 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
"That girl is mental!"

What a label to attach to a three year old child.

I am not a religious man, but if there is a god please let him help this child

I think that has got to be the most obscene comment Ive ever seen in the two plus years that I have been coming here to MS.

I'm surprised at my own reaction to that comment and I'm very nearly in tears it has dug up a whole heap of new things, as too what they are I have no idea as yet.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (TRIGGERS)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#154 - 07/29/04 04:10 AM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Families create such wonderful histories. I know the glorious past of my family is truly a thing of wonder. anything that could call into question the reality of the carefully constructed memories is immediately ridiculed. My parents were concerned for all of 2 minutes, then a few minutes of guilt of not being there for me during the 12 years of my abuse. After that it was make to remembering the good old days.

Sometimes I just want to slap their faces and see if that will wake up them up. But the sad truth is, that they are awake and there is no hope that the dreamng will stop.

Go ahead and let yourself off the hook. after you do that be sure and post how it's done.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
ÔŅĹ Rabbi Hillel

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#155 - 07/29/04 05:19 AM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
cpt. confusion Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
quote kenf:
"But the sad truth is, that they are awake and there is no hope that the dreamng will stop."


man this one seems to hit home... this is a great de>
_________________________
"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
-Carlos Castaneda

*WoR Alum
Sequoia I-March '11
Alta II, September '11

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#156 - 07/29/04 12:42 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sorry but this bitch sounds like my mother -

when i confided in my mother that i had tried to commit suicide - she was more concerned that her
friend heard this than anything - she never even
asked me anythingb beyond that - in fact she didn't ask me anything - she was just concerned that her friend might have heard it and then
it never was brought up again -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#157 - 07/29/04 03:06 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
I have to laugh for a moment. When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt, my mome came to visit me. The first thing out of her mouth was, "How could you do this to me?"

Aden


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#158 - 07/31/04 04:54 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Thank you all for your replies. To hear that I am justified in my anger and disbelief at the denial that runs so deep in my family is a relief.

It is so hard to face that the reason we are the way we are is largely in part due to our family and upbringing. When that upbringing leads to symptoms of psychological disorder (suicide and depression in my case) and our caretakers refuse to own the part they played in creating us or blame it on us, it is a double betrayal.

And then, to have this come up again and again as an adult in recovery when you try to break through the family secrets and denial patterns... it can all just get to be too much sometimes.

Thanks again... you all really helped to get me through this.

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#159 - 07/31/04 11:43 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Even for those of who weren't sexually abused by our families, we can live with the knowledge or fear that they shaped us into the vulnerable kids we were.
It most likely wasn't their fault, they did the best they could.
But it leaves us with a feeling of mistrust.

Some of you have told your families, and got terrible responses. Some of us just fear that kind of response, because we sense the denial / ignorance that is inherant in their lives.
The denial and ignorance that makes this 3yo girls life such a worry.

Can it be changed? I somehow doubt it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#160 - 08/04/04 05:56 PM Re: Gee... I wonder why I never told. (note sarcasm)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Sean, I am so sorry for the whole situation. What is happening to the child, whether it is 'mental', 'physical' or both, it sounds like she is in great distress. And I am so sorry it brings back bad thoughts for yourself, of your past. I can understand how you could not have told, not to such unsupporting people. I am sorry that situation made you feel less secure, and still is so frustrating for you. Please take good care of yourself.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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