Dale (and all the rest of my beautiful brothers),
I've spent the better part of the past thirty years pondering my sexuality. In my early twenties, I did my best to be straight, including having a loving (and wonderfully erotic) relationship with a woman. At the core of my being, one thing has remained the same. When I turn to fantasy mind to get over the hump sexually, my mind, body and soul processes images and memories of men not women. So, I place myself in the gay category.
Does this mean that I don't have close bonds with women? No, not at all. I have deep, emotionally rich bonds with women to this day. Sometimes we talk about the pain that cuts us like a knife, other times we talk about the sorry state of men in relationship, other times we go to baseball games.
Do I want to have sex with any of them? Maybe, sometimes - but I choose not to because I know it would be an encounter and not a sustainable relationship. And I know too that I don't want to waste my friendships confusing emotional intimacy and sexual pleasure.
Remember that sexuality is not an on/off switch. It is not the black and white, heaven and hell world that the baptist preacher railed about from the pulpit. Human sexuality is as diverse as all other things human: eye color, hair texture, emotional makeup, taste in jokes. I've come to accept that while I may be bisexual, my life is best lived on the gay side of the fence. I don't have the strength of character or the detachment between love and sex necessary to be too polyamorous, especially if I was to blend loving, ethical relationships with men and women. It's just not safe for this rabbit.
So, what am I saying? I am all right right now. So are you, and you, and you. You are all right in this moment, and this one, and this one too. Accept that emotions are just that - feelings. They don't make rational sense sometimes. We can each choose to accept that it is possible to receive the intimacy we crave from men and women. You may have experienced deep emotional intimacy with another male. (I know I did, many times over the weekend.) That doesn't mean that your are gay. Depending on the closeness of your love-sex-intimacy experiences, you may be a little confused between intimacy and sex. Breathe. You are the same wonderful man you were on March 1st, only a little more allowing of yourself to see your connections with other human beings.
EGL hit the nail on the head a lot more succinctly than I did. A person I really look up too told me once that a sure sign you are learning is confusion. Congratulations, you are learning more about yourself!
I look forward to many more hugs from my new brothers. God knows, I need them.
Love you, brothers.
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger
Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you
There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain
Others are far, far too deep for that