I'm gonna write down thoughts as I encounter them here because this is a long thread and by the time I get to the bottom I will have forgotten what I wanted to say up above. lol
I'm scared to open myself up that much to the pain. I'm scared to be that vulnerable. I'm scared to go back in time, drop all the defenses that have gotten me this far and, in a kind of way start from scratch all over again.
Yeah, There is a tendency when we begin this journey to go to one extreme or the other. So often we pull all the stops in an effort to "get it over with", and end up overwhelming our capacity to process. This usually results in giving up and quitting or getting us into a "stuck" mode where we make absolutely no progress. The other thing we do is to look at the work we can see needs to be done and the pain it will bring and simply throw up our hands and don't do anything.
Either approach ends up being rather non productive in the end leaving us afraid to move forward. It takes a real dedication to the process to make it through those times and learn how much work you can do how quickly.
I have to be careful, because thinking about them is beginning to make my blood boil. I live in New York Fucking CIty, you'd think it would be realtively easy to find a group here
Remember at Four Springs when they devided us up into small groups? What they were doing in effect is group therapy with two therapists acting as facilitators. What I'm saying here is that perhaps you are looking for is a group therapy session each week. I'd ask your T and if he/she cannot fill that need then ask for recommendations. I was involved with group therapy for some time and have not regrets. Yes, it was spendy, but well worth it in the end. The good thing about it is there is a professional facilitator there to keep things on track and focused just as we had at Four Springs.
Does everyone actually hate the turtle and are you all too scred to be honest with me?
Not at all, Chris. Perhaps so self involved at the moment we can't see another's pain? Part of the drawback of being a survivor is looking inward to the exclusion of all else at times.
I have been torn to shreds by anger and lonliness this week. And it's so often hard for me to see through it all.
I've been there. Not so long ago either. Was so messed up I got myself involved with a thread here that was not a good one at all. Really messed up, actually, but I couldn't see through that because of the place I was in. One of my brothers here eventually set me right, but I sure wish he'd done it sooner.
And like the other guys, Chris, no apology needed, but if you feel the need to do so, then yes, apology gladly accepted.
You've done something very important here. Well, actually several things. I think what you experienced here went way deeper than just a tantrum about feeling invalidated. I may be wrong, but I think this frustration and venting had a lot more to do with what's been pent up inside for many many years. The anger, loneliness, fear, terror, and frustration Little Chris felt for all those years was pouring out of you begging for help. Pleading to be heard because he wasn't heard before. He cried out in his own way all that time, but it was not a way anyone recognized as a cry for help.
You've cried out for help, Bro. We've heard you, offered our advise, support, thoughts. I'd also like to offer you my tears. I cried when I read through this thread. Cried for you, for Little Chris, cried for all my brothers here who've suffered in silence for so long. Thank-you for having the courage to say what was on your mind.
Lots of love