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#145966 - 03/18/07 07:55 PM Was this abuse? Am I a victim?
lpp Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/18/07
Posts: 1
I'm new to this, I tried to search for a similar question but had trouble. The nagging question in my mind is about my young childhood. We moved to a new city when I was 5-6 and I'm not sure when but around that age or maybe 7 the boy next door who is about 3 years older than me would touch etc me and this eventually led to regular sexual contact (just fondling) until I was probably 13 or so. Was I taken advantage of? I can't remember my feelings/thoughts from early on but later was a willing participant I guess. Have been plauged by guilt ever since. Is "fooling around" like this normal? I have problems with depression, anxiety, I don't really get along with guys, I'd rather be friends with girls. I'm hetrosexual, I struggled with that for a few years but am now confident with my sexuality (getting married to a wonderful woman in 6 weeks)I feel like my story is very mild conpared to what alot of you have been through. Anyone else have this situation. Thanks.

#145967 - 03/18/07 08:04 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: lpp]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12156
Loc: Denver, CO

Welcome to the site. You'll find some pretty cool people here who can relate to what you're asking about.

Regarding what happened when you were little, the boy next door was definitely crossing boundaries he wasn't supposed to. It's possible he was abused by someone himself, however your boundaries were definitely crossed and this should not have been.

Congrats on your engagement!

Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#145972 - 03/18/07 08:09 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: FormerTexan]
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
You describe the symptoms of abuse, and if it affects you, it is, but welcome,


#145973 - 03/18/07 08:12 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: FormerTexan]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

Your story, although you consider it to be mild, is none the less about abuse, and abuse is devastating. There are a number of reasons you cold be suffering the self-described problems with depression, anxiety, and lack of social skills with men, not the least of which is the sexual abuse issue you've shared with us. It's not the supposed severity that matters, it's the very fact that it happened that can so devastate our lives.

Welcome to this place, Friend. I hope you find here men who share your experience. There's nothing more powerful than finding a group of people who know how it feels to experience these things.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#145974 - 03/18/07 08:17 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: FormerTexan]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Ipp - "normal" behaviors would be "I'll show you mine if you..." etc. usually occur around 5-6 yrs old perhaps a bit older; is usually a limited time and not until you're 13. His early abuse on you could lead you to think you were a "willing" participant. [I don't think you were]. If that has caused you to reflect, wonder, feel guilt or shame, these can be the residue from that early experience of abuse. The odd thing is whether it's 5 minutes, 5 years or more...the similar symptoms arise.

Congratulations on getting married!! However, you may want to look around the site more looking as a sexually abused kid, touch base with a counselor/therapist, read some books, ask more questions, see if others have been abused in similar ways and how they dealt with it or a host of options. But I would control my panic not overly react. These things are resolvable!

Keep posting..asking..searching!!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#145983 - 03/18/07 08:58 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: ScottyTodd]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Wow LLP,

I'm impressed that you are taking such a pro-active postion on this at SUCH a pivotal time in your life. Congrats on you pending wedding!!!

You asked the right question here...

In my never-to-be-humble was abuse.

You'll do well at dealing with this too!

Again...I'm impressed!!!!


#145990 - 03/18/07 09:58 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: Still]
tartugas Offline

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Welcome Ipp,

I salute your courage and candor in sharing your story and your question. The truth is that we can't tell you whether or not you were abused. That is a determination you have to make for yourself. What I can tell you is that your story has all the hallmarks of abuse, and the emotional symptoms you've described are certainly common among those of us in this "fraternity".

Let me stress, and I know my brothers will back me up on this - There is NO hierarchy of abuse. There is no litmus test for a survivor here. No one of us is "more abused" than another. I was only touched once by my abuser, but the effects of my experience have been just as pronounced and difficult as the those faced by many of my friends here whose abuse was an extended experience.

Lastly, I also congratualte you on your upcoming nuptuals. That said, don't be surprised if you find yourself struggling with feelings of intimacy and trust as you get closer to the wedding and immediately thereafter. I was recently divorced, and I now see that one of the things that undermined my marriage was the fact that I was unaware of the depth to which my abuse affected me. I hope that this will not be the case for you, but know that it's possible, and it may be something to discuss with your fiance now so that you don't carry it with you into your marriage.

"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

#145995 - 03/18/07 10:54 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: tartugas]
lostandfound Offline

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 148
Loc: Singularity
Welcome Ipp,

Congratulations on the wedding. I've been married almost six years and I have a wonderful and curious about the world three and a half year old son. My wife is so great too. With out her I am not sure that I would have the strength to endure.

Sounds to me like you were abused also. Like tartugas stated there is no litmus test. Pain and abuse are what they are and no here is going rate your severity. When I first began to post I felt and still do to a certain degree that I don't have the right to post because I haven't endured what others have. Not to the same extent anyway.

However, I was sexually abused and the fear, anger, confusion, guilt and shame are all still inside. Regardless of my experience and yours we all have the right to feel open here. please share as much as you feel like you can. You are welcome here.

By-the-way, have you disclosed this to your fiance?



"I'm not suppose to be like this, but it's okay!" -REM

#145997 - 03/18/07 11:49 PM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: lpp]
Aidanchase Offline

Registered: 02/14/07
Posts: 89
Loc: Vancouver, BC
Welcome Ipp, I agree with the others on the fact the severety is not what is in question the fact that you were uncomfortable in the situation and he was using power over you says to me you did not want to do this and it was wrong to happen.

You are a very brave individual to find this site and reach out with this question. Congratulations on the engagement that is awesome. Welcome and keep asking questions hopefully you will find the answers you need.

#146014 - 03/19/07 01:16 AM Re: Was this abuse? Am I a victim? [Re: Aidanchase]
TNuss Offline

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 203
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Sorry that you have join us, but welcome just he same.

I hope you can find comforted here amongst us.

All my best!!!

In harmony,
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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