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#1456 - 01/13/04 06:23 PM Feel let down, upset
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
When I was home last week, I had to see him, one who cause so much bad things to happen to me, who done so much and cause other things too. While I was there, I try hard to not be scared of him, to let him see me be scared, even though I still feel it. He would talk of me, not to me, but loud so I can hear him. He said once how it is strange to see, that the beautiful boy grows into ugly man. But then, once when he talk directly at me, he tell me I am still beautiful, and he know I want him still, he know I miss him. I tell him go fuck himself, that he will never do nothing more to me. But still, it scare me, it make me think so much, of how much he and others done to me. Then this morning, someone I meet online, someone I think is friend to me, I realize, he only want to use me. I met him doing not so good a thing, but he seem like nice man, someone who maybe real care of me. Now I know he does not, he just want to use me, to meet his own needs. I do not know why even I would think to be friend of him, but wonder that I can be friend of anyone, any older male now. Feel like all I am is something dirty for them to use again. Andrei

#1457 - 01/13/04 07:34 PM Re: Feel let down, upset
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
You are not dirty. And you do not exist to be used by anyone.

What was done to you is not your fault. You were and are innocent of these things.

Please avoid being around your abuser(s) if you can. Find ways to avoid them. There is no point to being around them. Stay away from anyone that you know is only interested in hurting you.

Your understanding of relationships has been hurt by the hurt that was done to you. Try to find professional help to help you recover from what was done to you and to learn about what good relationships are and how you can have them. (You deserve this!)

Avoid meeting people on the Internet or any other place that you are not first certain is a safe place.

Keep visiting MS and share your experiences and feelings whenever you want to. This is a safe place. You will feel support here and will learn more about what happened to you by reading about what has happened to other guys and how they have begun to deal with it.

Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#1458 - 01/13/04 08:55 PM Re: Feel let down, upset
Nathan LaChine Offline

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5407
Loc: Washington State

You are not dirty brother. What was done to you is one of the worst crimes that can be done on another human being. Sadly preps know what to look for in a person that has been abused and they try to use your past abuse to help them abuse you again. Perps are very good at playing mind games Andrei. If you meet this person online then you have control. You can sign out of whereever you where chatting with this person and they cannot contact you. Online you do have control!

Do you know how strong you are for even being able to say, "Fuck you" to him? It took me years before I could even think the words let alone say them. To be in the same room as your abuser truly would be a scary place. You are right to be afraid of him but you still showed how strong you are by saying, "Fuck you" to him.

Trust is an issue for all of us Andrei. It takes along time for someone to gain my trust and a second to loss it. Here in this board and chatroom I feel safe and I know I can trust the other people on this board. If anyone ever gives me a weird vibe I have so many people to report it to and have them watched. This board and chatroom has alot of safe guards in place to keep us safe.

lots of love, Nathan

#1459 - 01/13/04 10:06 PM Re: Feel let down, upset
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Andrei dirty you are not!!! As Nathan says it took courage to tell that asshole to go forth and multiply. (fxxk off).

My brother you are in control now believe me. You have kept HIS DIRTY LITTLE SECRET AND YOU NOW HAVE STOOD UP TO HIM AND CONTROL HIS DESTINY. Think of all that power.

It is time for you to be the young man you were meant to be and you will be that.

Trust is huge Andrei for all of us. When we are trusting we let ourselves open to all sorts of things. Dont shut down because of one incident. It is safe here than outside. But relationships are built on who you and they are not where you have been or what has happened.

With strength comes courage and you have shown that in spades.



#1460 - 01/14/04 12:46 AM Re: Feel let down, upset
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

Like the other brothers have said, you are not dirty, nor are you meant to be used. You are worthy, and brave, I might add.

The worst thing, I think, these morons do to us is to make us believe their lies. We're only worth something to them, and that's only a screwjob. We aren't anything unless we're "pleasing" them.

Know what? That's a crock and you have the good sense to know that now. You weren't going to be used by your abuser anymore, and that's a powerful statement of your personhood.

As for the other thing? Well, since I've just recovered another unpleasant memory of abuse, I know what that's like too. We crave acceptance, love, companionship, intimacy, and these losers use it. They use it in the cheapest sort of way, and that's not fair. I'm so sorry it happened to you, as it did for me. I met men online twice. One ended disasterously as I know now. The other event was borderline abusive and, in the end, just cheap. It reinforced my feelings of lonliness and worthlessness.

But there are folks here who you can trust. We know you and love you for who you are, and we want NOTHING in return for that. I for one would NEVER ask you to do anything that was even remotely abusive. In fact, we here wouldn't ask you to do anything. We want to hear you, to be your strength, because in time, you will be one of our strengths.

We care. I care. And I want to hear what you have to say, because your ideas sound as fine and noble as the man who they come from.

Please forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. You were looking for affection and the person proved to be utterly unworthy of you. You are worth so much more than what the abusers make you out to be. I think you're a fine man.

I love you, brother Andrei. No strings, and nothing in return.



There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#1461 - 01/14/04 12:59 AM Re: Feel let down, upset
FlyWM Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan

You are far from dirty you are a good decent person, you do not deserve to be hurt or used, you never did, you deserve to be cared about, and to have real friendships, not ones where you are used by the other person. I am so sorry you have been hurt in so many ways, you did not deserve any of it, you deserve only the best.

You have a great deal of strength even if you do not see that, you have strength, and you just need to forgive yourself, and remember you did not deserve any of the bad.

Sadly, there are people in this world who hurt others, like the people who hurt you, but there are also good people who you can trust.

I know how frightening it is to be around people who you have been hurt by, but you showed you have the bravery and strength required to make it through. You survived terrible things, and you can survive the fear also, I know it is hard, but you can survive it.

I know it is scary and I know you do not feel it, but you stood up for yourself, and you took a little control away from him, you were very brave. You are a very good person, with a good heart, which is a real testament to your charecter, living through such things and still having a good heart, and I am glad to know you.


Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.


#1462 - 01/14/04 01:18 AM Re: Feel let down, upset
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Molodets my friend! I'm proud of you, to be able to tell him that, to tell him off, and not let him scare you more. You're so brave, and so worthy of the good things that are coming to you, that you have worked so hard for. As for your other 'friend', I don't think anyone you meet in that context you can trust. Consider how you met, under what circumstances, and know that any friendship would have to be suspect. I am sure that you will find greater and more trustworthy friendship here, at this site. You know I wish you all the best, and am sending you my strength.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#1463 - 01/14/04 02:35 AM Re: Feel let down, upset
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan

I would like you to know I am proud of you for telling him to f^@k off. A powerful step forward in healing. He does not have the power over you anymore, you do . Scary, yes, but a great step forward.

As everyone before me has already told you, You Are Not Dirty . The things that were done to you were and the perps were, but not you.

As far as meeting people you meet on the internet. You show a great desire to meet decent people, to restore your faith in mankind. Heck, I would like to do that. Some of the people you will talk to on-line are good decent individuals, unfortunately some are not. I believe that you have learned a lesson today. Not that are for people to use, not that all people are bad; but that you need to put your safety first and foremost. If and when you 'meet' someone on-line and do feel that you would like to meet them live and in person, remember your safety and meet in an open and safe location until you are sure that they are a good and decent individual(s).

Take care my friend, and thanks for caring about me in my time of distress last night,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#1464 - 01/14/04 10:20 AM Re: Feel let down, upset
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
Your not in the wrong. the fault lies in the manipulative statements made by those people. I c in all those statements you listed that person was only tryin to control you once again and was picking at pins and needles to do so. I think from what you said he had VERY little faith that he could control you and its good that you told him to fuck off. Maybe he will move on and I hope you can 2. not tryin to act like I know it all I just try to analzy people around me and have read a few books on people of his kind to aid me in my own not near complete resteration from when I was wronged.

"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant


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