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#145064 - 03/12/07 01:05 PM Re: some words from a survivor [Re: tartugas]
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Each person is a self-actualizing machine...

tartugas, you spoke it so well.

God bless,

~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

#145101 - 03/12/07 08:37 PM Re: some words from a survivor [Re: WalkingSouth]
want2help Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 25
Loc: WV
Well, I went, helped him work a little around his house before the other couple came. It is difficult for him to ask for help but he said he realized he needed some. I had a good time, it was still awkward at times, he talks a lot about what he wants to get done around his house and when the other couple weren't there, he was constantly moving, doing something. I tried to get a clue if he wanted to talk or just do stuff so I didn't try to have an in depth conversation. I find I'm more direct in writing than in person.

I also watched the movie over the weekend, it reflects him quite often, other than right now, he's not even using humor. What is the key to getting to the point in the movie where he realizes he can feel again, is it the release of the grief or the feeling wanted without strings attached or feeling useful and needed? That one puzzles me, cause I know it's something he has to do for himself, I even know that he still cares for me, but I don't always know if what I'm doing is useful. I'm at a point that I know I'm strong enough to handle the situation but I do want to have a consistency if we're to have a relationship. I know he has struggles with intimacy because of feeling unworthy, what I don't understand is the why when what we had was great. I don't understand why he doesn't fight harder to get that again. Is it because he feels so inadequate about himself? He was very verbally abused and has shared that with me so I do believe that had something to do with it. But, he seems to need me to reassure him that I do care for him deeply and feel he's worth it. Yet, he can't say anything in return, just if I ask bluntly if he doesn't care anymore, he'll say he does but that's beside the point. How much stock do I place in his calling after being told not to call me anymore if he couldn't be respectful and consistent? Does this mean he's willing to try harder or just testing to see if I'm still available for him? I can walk away but I'd rather not, I just want to know he's on his way back.

#145150 - 03/13/07 02:53 AM Re: some words from a survivor [Re: want2help]
tartugas Offline

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Wow, that's a whole lotta questions...

Well I hope the guys and gals here can help flesh this out and give you some more specific advice, but I just wanted to focus on one specific part of your post. You asked,

"What is the key to getting to the point in the movie where he realizes he can feel again, is it the release of the grief or the feeling wanted without strings attached or feeling useful and needed?"

To be honest, there is no magic key that will work for every person. The only thing we as friends, lovers, and fellow brothers can do for anyone making the journey to healing is to work to provide for them the safest enviornment within which they can discover for themselves just what they need. No one person's story of abuse will be the same as another's, and as such, no one person's specific path to healing will mirror another's.

The most helpful thing you can do is to take him at his word, and let him tell you what he needs. Sometimes his response will be silence, or maybe even he'll push you away. You have to respect that and not push him. If you find that that his behavior causes you much grief and anguish, that's ok, and it may be a sign that you need to give some space and time to things. As we've said, what is most important is that you make sure you take care of yourself first. Someone who cannot swim has no business trying to save someone who is drowning.

"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

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