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#143941 - 03/03/07 10:23 PM my marriage has fallen apart can u help!
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
hi all
im new to this site and although i havent been abused myself my husband has as a child and really i suppose im looking for help on how to deal with it from people who have been there themselves, ive tried to help but i never know if im doin right from wrong, for the most part we are fine but when the depression sets in he binge drinks and never knows when to stop and then he gets angry i feel like im being punished for what went on in his childhood and at this moment i feel very alone and i know i will never truley understand what he has gone thru i want to help, but feel i am pushed away i know he cant discuss what happened to him with me but even if he just said look im having a bad day can u hug me, leave me be or if he said i need to get out and have some space id understand, instead he keeps it to himself lies about where he is goin and i really cant take it anymore,i feel pushed away and helpless. can anyone help or tell me how they got thru it
kimmy \:\)

just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

#143942 - 03/03/07 11:07 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
I'm sorry that you are having a rough time. You need to go and buy some books they will help you understand. I read Abused Boys by Mic Hunter. You will never be able to completely understand what your husband is going through but the book will help.
Unfortunately, in many ways you are helpless. You can't change your husband. You can gently encourage him to go to counseling but you can't make him. You need to focus on yourself. You need to realize that you are not the problem. You didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know if any of us have gotten thru this. We may be learning to deal with the issues better. However, this will be something that colors our lives.
Welcome to the forum. Sorry you need to be here but welcome.

#143949 - 03/04/07 12:57 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: weepywife]
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Kimmy, so very sorry to hear you are hurting. At least know you are not the only one. We are all going through a lot of the same things. I read "Allies in Healing" and "Trauma and Recovery" and "Victims No Longer" and they all helped me understand. In addition, I've been reading this site for 9 months now and am STILL learning. In addition I have my OWN counselor who understands male csa issues and she helps me COPE w/ HIS problems significantly. If helps if both of you will see a therapist, as she can be the "go between" and help diffuse things between you all, so your husband can learn to stop misdirecting his anger at YOU, the innocent bystander. It helps me to remember that none of this is my fault, nor my husband's, even though it is hurting both of us, HE is hurting more than I am. Keep coming here - we're here for you.


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

#144087 - 03/05/07 11:11 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: Brokenhearted]
kimmy11 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
thank you both thats very helpful, its horrible to sit by and watch ur loved one hurting so, and i did think i was on my own, means so much that im not and that u have taken the time to reply, my husband has been to counsilling and he has said he will go again, it did help while he was goin we were fine for ages but then he had to stop because of work commitments and has gone down hill since, but he has told me he will go i havent had to prompt him which i feel is good, i will look out of rthe books u suggested and ty again for replyin
kimmy \:D x

just want to find the truth, the love and be able to help the one i love, but knowing that this will never be feel alone and sad that im not the one.

#144094 - 03/05/07 11:49 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: kimmy11]
jodie Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Australia
Hi I'm new here my name is Jodie. I so relate to what your saying. My husband was sexually abuse as a child and we're hving major difficulties in our sex life and with our intimacy and emotional connection. He's so shut down and doesn't want to talk about it. I felt so alone and like the only woman in the world going through this, but since finding this sight I'm no longer alone. Thankyou for sharing

#144467 - 03/08/07 05:50 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: jodie]
Rambler Offline

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
kimmy, you may have read this thread but I think it may give you some insight.

#144556 - 03/08/07 11:12 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: Rambler]
tartugas Offline

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 513
Loc: NYC
Hi Kimmy,

I just wanted to welcome you here to MS. I am heartily sorry for the challenges you guys are going through, but it's so great that you are standing up and asking for help. You are definitely not alone, and neither is your husband. Together we can all help one another find a path out of the darkness.

My marriage recently ended, and to no small extent our mutual ignorance of the root cause of my struggles was a major cause. I hope that both you and your husband might find the information and support you need to pull yourselves, and your family though this.

Remember, though, his journey is his own to make. I would encourage you to share with him the existence of this site, but don't force him on to it.

"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence

#144582 - 03/09/07 01:18 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: tartugas]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Welcome Kimmy. This place is fabulous and helpful but above all always supportive. Iíve never seen a group of people more willing to bear their souls and share the most intimate and difficult facets of their lives in order to help another.

Iím sorry you and your husband are having a bad time but itís great that he is willing to go back to therapy; it can only help. As for the time you had that was great and now itís not, well, Iím learning that such seems to be the way. I came here over a year ago, distraught and broken but with the belief that since my b/f was in therapy, everything would be OK in short order. I said I knew it would be a loooooooooong journey to healing, but my heart didnít really grasp that concept. Iím finding myself becoming impatient, only in my head, never to him, because I want him to be better NOW! He is better, we are better, but there is still a long way to go. My head knows that, but my heart is having a hard time right now. I say this because you sound like youíre in a similar place. Your husband went to therapy, you were on the right track and everything was good and now your being blind sided by all of this again. Iím sorry for that. All I can say is to keep your head up and take care of yourself just as well as you want to take care of him. The fact that heís willing to back to therapy speaks all good things.

Keep posting and weíll keep responding.

ROCK ON.............Trish

PS: Welcome to you as well Jodie \:\)

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#144808 - 03/10/07 09:57 PM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: Trish4850]
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi there Jodie,

I am sorry you're going through this and just wanted to mirror everything trish said really. I've just come to a similar realisation myself over the past couple of weeks.

My bf only recalled part of a memory 9 months ago and so before that, we were together for about 11 years in a pretty much constant state of a mess. Obviously that's because i contributed with my own set of problems, but knowing what i know now, makes me appreciate just how dissorienting it all was. It's dissorienting now, so i can relate to your feeling frustrated/confused by his lack of communication/kindness.

It is so so important to keep a hold on your own life within all of this. I can't promise that i practice what i preach, but i know that's the truth and i'm slowely getting there i think. Try to stay as centred as possible in your own feelings and experience of things and be kind to yourself. It has helped me to have my own support. I see a Homeopath. She just happens to also be a qualified psychotherapist too, so she's really helped me to concentrate on myself. It's not selfish to do that, it's necessary to become as strong as possible in order to be a good support anyway. And also helps to stear clear of enabling and enmeshing.

I'd say have faith in the feelings of love you have for your husband. You are both suffering for a crime committed aginst him but with the right kind of support, i hope for you both, as with myself/my bf and everyone else in the same position, we all make it through to the kind of life we all dream of.


#144837 - 03/11/07 01:07 AM Re: my marriage has fallen apart can u help! [Re: beccy]
AshSurvived Offline

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Jodie, Kim welcome. Movies are helpful too:

Prince Of Tides is one from the partner's perspective.
Mysterious Skin; and
Antwone Fisher are both great ones from the victims perspective.
Bad Education and others are also said to be very good, but I'm yet to gather the courage to watch them cos BE is supposed to be fairly graphic.

My wife is having a rough time too, she is showing signs of being a Secondary Survivor and I have decided to help her get her life together in order to save our relatinship.

This means declaring Bankruptcy, reducing her work hours, creating disposable income, having some fun with that income and seeing a partner's shrink.

No mean feat, this is some heavy stuff you guys are wading into, so bear in mind, you're not just partners you may be secondaries too, which can make life very, very hard if you don't deal with it. Take it from me, ten years of a totally shit relationship is talking here and we are having to make some really tough decisions on both sides to save it.

"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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