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#143520 - 02/28/07 04:35 PM Advice for my friend.....
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if it's ok to post this question here....hope so...

I have a close friend who recently disclosed her own CSA to me after I told her about my bf's. That was about 6 months ago. She's not really talked much more about it and I made it clear that I'm here if she needs to talk. I also offered the books we have on the subject, although she passed on that, as she's not disclosed to her bf and so doesn't want him to see the book/s. I said if she wanted to look at them at my house, just to ask, any time....also the use of the internet.....

Anyway, we see eachother weekly and she chats a lot about her bf and the troubles they have. From my outside perspective I can see many connections with her CSA, although obviously I've never actually said this to her. i am sure her bf has a whole host of his own problems too. I have often talked about the benefits I have from talking to my homeopath and passed on various numbers of this kind to her and about 2 months ago, she did say she might 'treat' herself to something like that soon......but no finances at all for it....which leads me onto the point of this thread.

They have a 2 year old child together and my friend worked really hard studying throughout that pregnancy for qualifications to get on a course. Unfortunately she didn't pass all of the subjects, so will have to re-sit again at some point. Her and her bf had agreed it made no sense for him to work, as he has no skill/training and any job he might get would mean they were no better off, but with him working all cut a long story short, they are so skint now, she's 3 months pregnant and working about 3 days a week for very little money. She's had a few offers recently from people she knows for work opportunites for her bf, but he's been non-receptive/negative etc.......She's at her whits end with everything and today talked about the possibility of an abortion, but telling her bf she lost the baby. I'm so worried about her. She said she doesn't feel pregnant, isn't looking after herself properly and I can see that's true. She is looking very thin. She also said she's going to look into financial options for single parents, but is worried they'll fight over the child.

I feel I need to do/say something. Be more help somehow. I really am very worried about her and their little family. I can see the possibility they could all be so happy together. I just don't know what to do and any advice or guidance would be very much appreciated,

thanks for reading and sorry this was so long..


#143535 - 02/28/07 06:28 PM Re: Advice for my friend..... [Re: beccy]
selene Offline

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
.. wow, beccy, that's a lot your friend is having to deal with all at one time ...

... i suppose if you could come up with a solution that would benefit all AND be accepted by all ... well, you'd be a genius and deserve to become more revered than gandhi ... because people can only see from their own perspectives ... it's so frustrating ... it leaves many of us feeling like the mythical casssandra ... knowing and advising but not being heard ...

... probably the only thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her and let her know that ... maybe let her talk things through until SHE realizes the possibility they could be happy together as well as other potentials ...

... you're a good friend, beccy ... she's lucky to have you looking out for her \:\)


"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

#143577 - 03/01/07 01:24 AM Re: Advice for my friend..... [Re: beccy]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Beccy,
Her and her bf had agreed it made no sense for him to work, as he has no skill/training and any job he might get would mean they were no better off, but with him working all hours

I only have one word for that, Anger! Him working any minimum wage job, is better than him not working! If he is less than 25 years old he can get go to Job Corps and get a good job. He can get a student loan and go to one of those truck driving schools, like I did! He is just not trying!

About your friend, you can show her, Pandora's Aquarium a forum for rape and sexual abuse survivors, while they do let men on there it is mainly for girls. Your friend can find some of what she needs there. Also she may qualify for some free therapy, even though the csa happened when she was a kid, and she is know a adult.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#143592 - 03/01/07 03:08 AM Re: Advice for my friend..... [Re: beccy]
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

Pandora's Aquarium sounds good. Are there charities around to help expectant single mothers getting pregnancy care for themselves and prenatal care for their babies?

Is her bf currently caring for the two year old child at home? If he is, he should still be able to do some work when she's at home with the child, at least until she's further along in the pregnancy.

When push comes to shove, though, there's not much more you can do. Continue being a good friend as you have, and you might be just the friend she needs. But don't put yourself under the burden of being a rescuer. That's not fair to you or to them.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#143635 - 03/01/07 03:52 PM Re: Advice for my friend..... [Re: outis]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Beccy:

Wow, what a good friend you are! I'm wondering if the bf of your friend may have low self esteem or lack confidence because of his lack of job skills. When a person is not out working it can be very intimidating to seek employment. Even job offers from friends/family can seem overwhelming because of the worry that perhaps it's more than a person can handle.

I know in the U.S., specifically in our region, the government has an employment office that assists in placing individuals. (Workforce Development) They interview each individual in order to make a suitable placement. When I was a student they helped me obtain a better paying job in a hospital. Is there something such as this available in your area for your friend's bf?

I'm sure you've helped much more than you can imagine by just being there for your friend. Keep your chin UP!

Best Wishes,


"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#143746 - 03/02/07 09:23 AM Re: Advice for my friend..... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou for your replies everyone...

I suppose I know I can't really do anything else more to help. It's just that I felt really worried after she said about a possible abortion/not telling her bf....that seemed like pretty skewed thinking to me......

I agree her bf should be working, but what s-n-s said about his self esteme is bang-on, I reckon. I said as much to my friend, who was convinced he's just lazy and no good. I really do think he needs to take the weight for a while as far as earning is concerned and let her concentrate on her 2 year old and growing baby. Also though, I have wondered if she's also scared to actually let him do that, as earning the money signifies power and I do believe she's terrified of losing any control at all. She told me that last time he was working, he was gruumpy and moody and didn't say hello to her and the baby for after getting home, till he'd had a smoke, for about an hour. I suggested that maybe though, it would still in fact be better with him working, for when the baby comes, even if he is grumpy etc..........Also, I don't think he's coped very well with how little she shares herself with him.....and he has other very dysfunctional problems too.

Pregnancy brings such intense emotional/hormonal mood swings too, and adding that into the equation....well, I just hope my friend will be ok and I suppose all I can do is try and make sure she knows I'm here for support,



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