I am writing this so I no longer have to keep it inside and let it poison me. I wish I wasn't stone cold sober right now...

I was about 7 and lying in my new bed. I was excited as it was a new bunk bed and my older brother had the top. I am shaking trying to write this right now. Its late. Mom's vacuuming downstairs. I feel someone slip under the covers. I don't know who. "shhhh" comes my older brothers voice.I want to show you something. "I'm tired I want to go to sleep, leave me alone" I told him. He somehow convinces me that touching his penis is what all brothers and grown ups do. Next night he crawls in again. Touches me and makes me touch him. "This is what all brothers do if they love each other", is just some of the evil he told me. the next night he tells me to ly on my stomach. Where did he get the lotion? I think. All of a sudden it hurts and I start to cry. I don't understand what he is doing. He tells me to stop being a girl and stop crying. I do. He finishes. I don't know what happened. He tells me I must not tell or he would hurt everyone I care about. Im told that noone would believe me, its not wrong, mom would beat me even more, and the list goes on and on. I feel wrong but dad told me to always trust my older siblings and do what they say because they know more.

I'm 8 now. The abuse continues so I run away from home. I've never been this far from my house. I panic and run back home but noone notices I ever left. I try to stay up late so I don't have to sleep in the same room while my brother is awake. I refuse to go to bed so mom beats me. The next week mom takes a swing at me but I'm faster than her. I run and hide under the bed. She pulls me out be my hair and when whatever she was hitting me with breaks - hits me with her fists and rips my hair out. I am so used to the beatings I don't feel the punches anymore but I eventually black out.

I'm 9 now and my older brother is 14. Why won't they leave me alone? Everyone older than me always hurts me. I vow that when i grow up I won't hurt anyone like all the other grown ups. My teacher asks me about the bruises. I lie as I was told. Otherwise they will take my sister away. Mom says she beats me, and only me, because I'm such a bad kid. Its late at night and my brother finds his way into my bed again. He get frustrated because I can't get hard and beats me up again. The next night I say NO! I will tell mom this time. "Fine!" he says and goes into my sisters room. I never said no after that and he left my sisters alone. The next couple of weeks he beat me every chance he had. Sometimes it hurt too much and I counldn't help crying when he was on me so he says its time I was with a women. He devises a plan to try to have sex with my older sister and me have sex with my younger. We sneak into their room but I just lied down beside my younger sister and don't touch her. I can't let her be hurt like I was. When he's done he slips through the dark room and out the door and I follow back into our room. he asks what happened and I tell the truth. He hurts me worst. Jumping on my head. My mom hears and comes upstairs. My brother makes up some lie and my mom pulls me off the floor by my hair and tosses me around the room into furniture. My blood is all over and I am sure I'm dying. I am not strong enough to fight her off even though I try. I crawl under the bed. she's too fat to reach me and tells my brother to pull me out. He tries and I bite him. He kicks me in the face twice. I crawl further in and bite off their next attempt (She sometimes got my brother to beat me). I stay under the bed all night and the following day before I have to leave my safe haven for food. A few days later through manipulation and threats my brother made me and my younger sister have sex, which to this day I hate myself for. I could not get hard like he did and it made him angry. Its a day or two later and I am convinced death can't be any worse than life, so I drank a bottle of bleach. It burnt so bad... but I was happy for the first time that I can remember. Mom found me just in time and took me to emerg. This life of hell continued until I was 12 and my brother moved in with my dad. I did not see him for months. But now mom says I have to visit and I do. He crwals into my bed. I tell him if he tries it... I will kill him. There was a knife under my pillow. Before I fell asleep I heard him in my older sisters sleeping bag. From that day my anger grew and my mind wiped away all the memories until I was 21.