Welcome to here Marry.
First, do not worry on your English. There are now, and have been before, other non-English speakers here, and always it is enough to make their feelings and needs known. People here are very patient and kind with those non-native with English.
You deserve very much to be here. Anyone who has been through what we have, we deserve it. You deserve compassion and assistance in dealing with the past just so much as anyone else here.
What happened with your grandfather, I am sorry if you feel strange of it because 'somehow I like it'. Our bodies have different systems to them, some are voluntary, some are not. You do not get hiccups because you want them. Something cause them to happen as a reaction. Our bodies, in the private areas, they are very sensitive, and are designed to respond in certain ways to certain touch. It do not matter sometimes what is happening in our mind, our body responds. It do not make you bad or to have shame.
Welcome again here, I hope you can return and find what help you seek. This is a good place, filled with many good people.
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.
"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963