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#14000 - 05/02/03 01:33 PM Easier to talk about-- is this good?
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Over the months/years my abuse has become easier to talk about. The things that occured in prison have always been the most diffuclt, probably because they were so recent and it I know some of the blame for my rapes there belongs on myself because it was my own fault I ended up in prison in the first place. When I wanted to tell someone about, or even hint at, what happened in there (the vast majority of this telling has been online) I used to get flushed and shake and sometimes stop responding for several minutes. It would take me literally hours to get the story out, even if it was just in a few lines. My heart still stops for a minute whenever I hear the word "prison" but my responses have calmed to a vast degree and it's easier for me to talk about it now. The same goes for my childhood abuse although I don't think I will ever be able to talk openly about the incest portion of it except here and with a couple of friends. I wonder, though... is this "desensitization" to my own responses a good thing? I don't want to turn into one of those people who feels the need to tell everyone their life story and all their traumas. I've known people like this throughout my life, and while they are usually good people underneath, no one wants to hear a near stranger talk about how her father raped her all through her childhood. (I use the female form here because I'm thinking of a specific person I used to know; her name was Tammy.) I'm sure you've all encountered these kinds of people. I know it's good to come to terms with the abuse and get it out in the open... but I wonder if there is a line where we need to stop airing it out and lock it back up for a while? I guess I'm just paranoid about becoming one of those people because it always seems that they are fishing for pity, although their intentions might be good. To some degree I've found myself already being an "attention whore" (that's the term I use for those types of people, although the term also applies to any sort of person who creates drama for attention) in some venues and although it's more appropriate there I don't want it to progress any further.

So, I guess what I'm asking is... is it neccesarily a good thing that the abuse gets easier to talk about? I don't want it to get so easy to talk about that I start spouting it off to random strangers.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#14001 - 05/02/03 02:00 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
SP- I have found that through talking about my SA both with my therapist and on line here, I have been more able to concisely say what happened, without the excess baggage of emotion. That get's the facts out, not the other junk that is useless.

I don't think it ever becomes old hat. A few times after talking and even writing about it here, I become yet emotional in a different way than I did before.

I have begun to see a small boy named Jim that I never saw before and maybe in some small way that is therapeutic.

Jim


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#14002 - 05/02/03 02:31 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
SP,
I've kind of wondered this myself. So far in my life I've told all of my friends what happened to me. However I've been wondering how I'll approach the situation when some new friend enters my life, or intimate partnet for that matter. I mean I always feel compelled to tell the whole story because it is a lot easier for me to get things out in the open but I know that it may be too much for someone new to handle. Hopefully I have enough trust in my judgement to know when to do it. And to know who not to disclose to. Well, maybe I should start thinking more about this.
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#14003 - 05/02/03 02:32 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Puppy,

I can only say what my experience has been.

I have talked about my abuse for years til it has become old hat and I get tired of talking about it. I usually shut-up about it at some point.

Of course even though I've been in therapy three times before and talked about it as well, I think that I forced myself to rush through it and never actually deal with it. In part becuse of what you've mentioned, afraid I was dwelling on it too much and being an attention whore. Even online here I hold myself back some.

But hey, It's precisely because of that I am in therapy yet again and dealing with depression. Suppression of things because I'm afraid 'I'm to whiny', to 'unimportant', to much of an 'attention whore'. Partly I think because at the time of the abuses, everyone turned away their head and did not want to see or hear the truth.

I think/hope that one day I can put it to rest once and for all. Until then, sometimes I know my words might make things better for someone else BECAUSE I'm sharing the pain and because it IS so uncomfortable to talk about/hear. I'm only now after 38 years realizing how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Hug to you buddy!


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#14004 - 05/02/03 02:41 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
randy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/02
Posts: 30
Loc: Pittsburgh, Pa
My first impression is that it is good to be able to talk about it at all. Most who have suffered never can reach the point of admmitting to themselves what happened to them. Is it BAD that it is easier? I woud say yes if it makes you uncomfortable. I would say no if you feel more
in touch with your emotions. You deserve all the attention you want. Just as long as it is the right kind of attention. We deserve it, we payed for it already!


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#14005 - 05/02/03 07:24 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
This kinda hits home for me. It is still extremely difficult to talk about my abuse, but it has become much easier that it used to be.

Nevertheless, it is something that most people in my life know nothing about. I just don't discuss it with most of my friends. There are a variety of reasons. I don't like to discuss my personal problems because I feel like I am being a drama queen (or attention whore as SP puts it.) Also there is still some irrational reasons for it. There is still a great deal of shame involved in the abuse for me (hell, I still feel ashamed that I see a therapist!) as well as the irrational fear that I CANNOT be viewed to have ever been weak and that if people see that I was taken advantage of that it will be a green light to them to take advantage of me.

In spite of this I have told a couple of very close friends and my mother about the abuse, and they have been incredibly supportive, but it is not something that I have a desire to discuss with most of the people in my life. At least not until I can get to a point where I can say "yes this horrible thing happened to me, but I've learned to let it go."

But even when that time comes, I don't imagaine it will need to become a topic unless the situation comes up. For example, I don't neccessarily discuss that I used to be a cook with everyone I meet unless the topic comes up. The same withy my hobbies or my intense dislike for gardening, ect.

I have no idea where I'm going with this, so I'm just going to move along now... \:\)

Eric


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#14006 - 05/02/03 09:30 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
So, I guess what I'm asking is... is it neccesarily a good thing that the abuse gets easier to talk about? I don't want it to get so easy to talk about that I start spouting it off to random strangers.
Josh, a very good & important question for us all.

As far as answers I've not much to add, believe it or not ;\) , to responses like these:

Quote:
I don't think it ever becomes old hat.
Jim, I certainly can't imagine how it would for me
(BTW I hope seeing "Little Jim" is indeed proving to be therapeutic for you.)

Quote:
Hopefully I have enough trust in my judgement to know when to do it. And to know who not to disclose to.
Mike, for me that's the key. Good point. Thanks.

Quote:
Partly I think because at the time of the abuses, everyone turned away their head and did not want to see or hear the truth.
Marc, I'm determined not to let people turn their heads so easily, to never let that happen to me or to any other victim/survivor of CSA again.

Quote:
My first impression is that it is good to be able to talk about it at all. Most who have suffered never can reach the point of admmitting to themselves what happened to them. Is it BAD that it is easier? I woud say yes if it makes you uncomfortable. I would say no if you feel more
in touch with your emotions. You deserve all the attention you want. Just as long as it is the right kind of attention. We deserve it, we payed for it already!
Randy, very good points, very well put. I went w/o
talking about this for most of the first 44 years of my 46 years of life.

Now ya'll can't shut me up!

Quote:
But even when that time comes, I don't imagaine it will need to become a topic unless the situation comes up.
Agreed Eric; context is very important. We don't want to air dirty laundry, but we do want to wash it. Or at least we should if we're gonna wear it again!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#14007 - 05/02/03 11:46 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Josh
I'm pretty much in agreement with Eric's view / hope -
Quote:
But even when that time comes, I don't imagaine it will need to become a topic unless the situation comes up.
The last few people I've told I've mentioned my abuse as part of a conversation about something on the news or in the papers.
And the reaction is not one I would have expected a few years ago, then I was scared of rejection or disgust. But the majority of people loath perps nearly as much as we do, and they also realise that SA screws people up - even if they don't know exactly how.

So my last few disclosures have actually been closer to non- events than drama's, and for that reason they've been remarkably positive.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#14008 - 05/03/03 01:27 AM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Eric and Dave,
Seriously, how often will a situation arise where you can just say "I was sexually abused." I think those intimate situations where you feel the need to speak about it are very few and far between. And if you expect the situation to simply come around I think you would be waiting for a long time. And that might leave you feeling lonely and isolated. At least this was kind of the case for me.

A couple of months ago I went to St. Louis to see an old friend from college. I was pretty sure I was going to tell her about my past and what I've been going through in the last year. When I finally told all it was the coolest experience. And my friendship with her has really blossomed since then. We've become extremely close (BTW, I'm going to her wedding in three weeks). But my point is that if I didn't force the words out of me I would not have such a close relationship with her today. Now she's someone I can really lean on when I need to speak to someone. Of course, I knew that she would be easy to talk to and be very accepting of me. But if I didn't do it then, then it never would have come out.

Okay, that's my two cents.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#14009 - 05/03/03 11:22 PM Re: Easier to talk about-- is this good?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
absolutely Mike, it's not an everyday conversation that you can slot that into, but sometimes it feels 'right' to mention.
And I don't think it's ever going to get easy to say the words "I was sexually abused"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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