Iíve been coming to MS for a few months now and have not posted my story, why I am not sure.
Let me apologize now for the length of this post, it will be a long one.
The only way I know to begin is at the beginning.
My name is David, I come from a relatively large family by todayís standard, and I am second to the youngest of 6 children, 2 girls and 4 boys. My father was an alcoholic, physically and verbally abusive and unavailable emotionally. My mother was sick for much of my child hood. My 3 oldest siblings married young, both my sisters have said it was to get out of the house, my brother I donít know, we have never talked about it. The oldest 3, 2 sisters and a brother, were married and gone by the time I was 10. This left 3 brothers at home, myself being the middle one of the 3. My older brother was almost 4 yrs older than I, and my younger brother was only 15 months younger. For a long time we were treated as twins. My mom had always wanted twins and we were the closest she got, she had friends that had twins a few years older than I and we would get their hand me down clothes, so for a time we were even dressed as twins! So as I said that left us 3 brothers at home. My mom was pretty sick at the time, at first it was not known what the problem was and there was the thought she might be dying, eventually she was diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis. My father worked a lot at the time, a swing shift that had him working 2 days of each shift and then 2 days off, very disruptive for everyone and tiring for him. Despite his work schedule and fatigue he would go out to the bars drinking and playing pool, sometimes my mom would go and sometimes she wouldnít. During the same time period he had joined a lodge, the FOE I think, his brother, my uncle, belonged to the same lodge and they would go to dinner almost every Friday night. This left us 3 brothers a lone a lot.
My older brother Mark was, and still is, a very mean spirited, angry person. My brother Mark and I never got along well, he was always picking on me and teasing me to make me cry. A major case of sibling rivalry, he resented me taking his status as the baby (just a little amateur analysis, but it sounds right.) Even as mean to me as he was I always wanted him to like me. At 14 he was already into pot and alcohol. I remember the first time he got my younger brother and I to smoke pot. I was 10 and my brother was 9, we were already smoking cigarettes by then, it was the cool thing to do. We hung out with my older brother and his friends and they all smoked. He pulls out a cigarette one day and tells us he has some new tobacco he wants us to try. We didnít think anything of it being hand rolled, my aunt bought cans of tobacco and rolled her own cigarettes, so here we are 9 and 10m yrs old getting high! So, the smoking and drinking and getting high put my older brother in a position of power over us, let alone him being left in charge when our parents would go out.
And thus I come to the sexual abuse.
My first experience or even knowledge of masturbation came from my younger brother, I am not sure how it started but I remember him showing me how to masturbate. Him masturbating and me mimicking what he was doing. I had no idea what was going to happen I just knew it felt good. When I started to have an orgasm I freaked out because I thought I was going to piss. I quickly pulled up my pants and ran for the bathroom, my mom was in the bathroom and I am pounding on the door telling her to hurry I had to pee! When I got in the bathroom I couldnít pee because I had an erection. I didnít have an orgasm that time, I quit masturbating to run to the bathroom. I was confused about the whole thing, so I went back to talk to my younger brother and find out what this was all about. This time we masturbated together until I had an orgasm, but he was to young at the time to be able to have an orgasm. I asked him where he learned to do that, you guessed it, my older brother taught him. Not long after this I think, you know how memory can be, My parents went out for something and left us at home. My younger brother came and told me my older brother wanted me, ď well tell him to come here!Ē ďHe wants you in his room, he wants to talk to you.Ē
I go to my brotherís room and he is lying in bed on his back with the blanket pulled up to his chest. I donít remember what it was he was supposed to want to talk to me about, but he told me to sit on the edge of the bed so we could talk. As we talked I noticed the blanket bouncing up and down seemingly by itself, I remember trying to ignore it, I must have known on some level what was going on. Finally I asked what that was (get it, he got me to ASK for it) ď if you want Iíll show youĒ Of course I wanted him to show me, I was 10, I was curious, and he was being nice to me and giving me his attention with out trying to make me mad or cry.
My brother is a very hairy guy, at 14 he already shaved regularly and had a very hairy chest. He pulls down the covers and here is a HUGE hard on, the only thing I had ever seen was my younger brotherís and my pre pubescent ones. He asked if I wanted to touch it, I wanted to, because I was curious, but I also knew it was wrong. I remember him cajoling me to touch it, needless to say I was confused, nervous and most likely afraid, as I reached out to touch it he flexed it again and made it jump causing me to jump, this was a big laugh for him. I know that night I masturbated him until he came. I donít remember if it happened that night, but eventually he had me performing oral sex on him. Although he never reciprocated (he was no cocksucker!) it did get to where he would masturbate me to orgasm. It was always a degrading, using relationship between us.
We lived in a rural are, my parents owned about 4 acres with wooded areas. Us kids had always played back in these woods. Riding our bikes, playing cowboys and Indians, sneaking off to smoke, etc. When his friends were around I was always the whipping post, the one he made fun of and picked on, I donít remember him teasing my younger brother as much, which could be just my perception though. At different times we had all kinds of forts in the woods. One time Mark, me, my younger brother and some of the neighbor boys, dug an underground fort in the woods. The ground there was mostly sand but the roots from the trees made it hard going. The fort ended up being basically a pot den. You would enter through a trap door in the roof(which was covered with sand and leaves to disguise it) we had a car battery hooked up to run lights and a car stereo for tunes! I think there might have even been black lights and posters but I canít remember for sure. This is where we would go to get stoned and I would give him blowjobs, this is also where he talked me into giving my younger brother blow jobs too. So now he had made me his slut. When his friends were around he always picked on me, after the sex started he would make the teasing more sexual. I remember him saying to one of his friends under the guise of good natured ribbing of course ď hey Steve, you should get David to give you a blowjob! He gives great head!Ē On another occasion we were on the school bus and were sitting in the same seat, why I would do that I have no idea, but It was him and another boy and me sitting in the same seat, he grabs me by the back of the neck and shoves my face in his crotch telling me toĒsuck it you know you want to.Ē Loud enough for everyone around to hear, what a great laugh that was!
How long this went on I am not quite certain, but I think he stopped it before I turned 12. About the time he started to drive and had a girl friend (he didnít need me to suck his cock any longer). As sick as it sounds I was hurt and disappointed, from that point on he was never nice to me again, he didnít need me any more. As we got older the teasing and name-calling tapered off and we would be cordial to each other when we had to.
Unfortunately the sex between my younger brother and I went on for years, until our early 20s. We knew it was wrong, but we couldnít control it. As much as for the actual sexual abuse, I hate my older brother for ruining the relationship I had with my younger brother.
Thatís all I can manage now, maybe the rest later.
Edited by des6263 (01/27/07 07:45 PM)
May the Flames of Truth Burn Bright