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#13710 - 01/21/04 06:07 AM going to learn alot
faceinthecrowd Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 40
i was molested when i was 12 and continued till 15 by a teacher.i told my wife when i was 40.we have been married for 25 40 i got learned what happened to me.since then i have been dealing with many issues i thought i had dealt with.the physical part of sex has never been a problem in our wife used to say `like making love to a stranger`because i wasnt there emotionally.she has had an emotional affair but i am sure nothing physical.we have not been intimate for over 2 yrs.not because of anything physical but she says she will not have it without having all of me.i honestly thought i was there but obviously i havnt been.she doesnt want to be hurt again.i not only need to gain her trust,i need to learn how to open up to it.i love her and have been in love with her since i was 16.because of our religious convictoins,divorce is not an option.she is very supportive of me in my decision to prosecute the man who molested me.this is a big step.the wheels of justice are slow.been talking to police and lawyers for 6 months now.nothing public yet.from the outside and alot of ways inside our family has it very well.we have worked with diligence to raise our family.we have 3 happy,well adjusted children who do not know about the parents dont know.because we have lived here all of our lives,many know job for the last 25 yrs has allowed me to know thousands of people in a 100 mile radius.i say all that because 5 yrs ago i couldnt even say say his name out loud and would have cried out in horror if anyone would have known about the abuse.also,each time i talk to police and lawyers and his arrest gets closer,i feel more hiding,i hope im right in thinking i need to do this for the boy that could not.for the magic,the innocence,the trust he took from him.i have learned much from all of you here,keep me in your prayers,you are in mine, you never know what face is in the took me 2 hrs to type this

#13711 - 01/21/04 07:36 AM Re: going to learn alot
Tribear Offline

Registered: 11/09/03
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
It seems that this molester has stolen your sex life too. That's very sad.

I too believe emotional intimacy is very important in a sexual relationship. In fact, I believe that such intimacy, the very thing survivors often fear, is capable of helping and healing us in deep dark places that nothing else could ever touch. But first we have to trust enough to open up to some degree, and that's the hard part, isn't it? I can understand why you don't.

Couples therapy seems like a good idea if you can't do it on your own.

I wonder, do you have some memories like I do, of being a child and attracted to someone before sexual relations were an option? I remember talking to some girl I liked, taking walks together, and hand holding. It was how I learned to connect intimately. I think it is still a good place to start, even with strangers in the same house.

If you don't feel like you can talk, just take the walk, and experience the sky and trees and each others company. Many people have fallen in love with nothing more. Maybe your wife would feel some of her needs were met. Maybe you too.

I hope the perpetrator gets successfully prosecuted, and even moreso I hope you get your love life back. With some right choices by you and your wife, I think it is probably there to reclaim.

"The secret-o-love is in opening up your heart"...James Taylor

May you find courage to deal with your present challenges.



#13712 - 01/21/04 01:13 PM Re: going to learn alot
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Abuse knows no borders, we could be brothers even though I'm here in the UK. Our stories are so similar, as are the after effects.
It's so sad and frustrating that someone else was able to steal our adult lives even before they'd started.

It was a well spent 2 hours posting your message, this is a great place for us Survivors, the support, help and friendship is second to none.
So stick around and talk to some brothers.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#13713 - 01/22/04 01:10 AM Re: going to learn alot
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Thank you for exposing your perp. And thanks for connecting with us.

The ideas about something so simple and gentle as walking hand in hand seems good to me.

I wish you well.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#13714 - 01/22/04 05:15 AM Re: going to learn alot
scarman Offline

Registered: 01/09/04
Posts: 74
Loc: London On Canada
2 hrs, I thought I was the only one who took that long to write my posts.... again another similarity to your story.

sleep peacefully tonight, and try to look forward to the rising sun of the next day.

this only took me 10min......

scarman stands for the tatoos I have, and also the emotional scars I've accumulated from my past.

#13715 - 01/22/04 05:38 AM Re: going to learn alot
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hey FaceInTheCrowd - Glad you posted and are continuing to work on issues! Just talking with a guy tonight (36yo) who thought he had dealt with it all too but now realizes you deal with it as it arises. Keep working, enjoy what you do have (family, friends, MS.Org,etc) and keep posting!!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#13716 - 01/25/04 06:58 PM Re: going to learn alot
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Welcome here. I hope you find the support you will recieve here helpful to your healing. It sounds as there could be trust issues with both you AND your wife. An 'emotional affair' I think means something. Is it possible that you can recieve counseling together? It sounds, from what you post, that she is putting pressure on you, to be 'all there'. You can not just do that for her, as much as you wish you can, as much as you want to. She needs to realize that putting that pressure on you will not make things happen faster, and will, in fact, perhaps make it take longer. I wish you good luck in your prosecution against your abuser, and good luck with you and your wife also. Please do come back here as you need/want to.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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