I've been extremely depressed since i had a visit with my grandmother about a month ago. It started off bad, but just when i thought i was getting better i started sinking. I have all sorts of wierd memories from childhood that are scaring the hell out of me and i'm starting to wonder if i was further abused? I might be so depressed i am distorting my perceptions.
I have fantasies where i am forced to dress as, and perform, as a female that i just can't seem to shake. I don't understand where they come from, because i only remember being abused by my brother once in the shower when i was 5, and i have confronted him and felt as though i had put it behind me, but the fantasies have not diminished and i just can't see the relation of the fantasies to the memory. It doesn't really hold with how i felt that incident affected my self image. Now i have all these strange memories popping up and i am wondering what an outside perspective might bring to it, because i am terrified i might have been abused further and am delibritely blocking them out.
When I was little my dad and mom were herion junkies, my dad would make tons of money on crime then piss it all away. I remember we were usually poor. My dad had two half brothers with another woman before me, the younger one being the one that molested me. I remember when i was young and living in an apartment in santa ana, i walked into my parents bedroom, and they were doing herione right in front of me. I was really little, so i didnt know what they were really doing. I remember i once stumbled upon a huge box filled with empty needles. While my older half brother was staying with us, I am told I saw a time when he almost ODed on herione, but i don't remember that. I have a few fuzzy memories that are bugging me. I once remember i was in my mothers closet and i was trying on her shoes, and she caught me, but i cant remember what happened after. I might have just been embarrested but i dont know. Another thing is i told her about the abuse at least once, maybe more, and she didn't do anything. She asked, while i was still in the room, in front of his wife, about how i had said he had made me touch him or something, but when he pretended not to know I got scared and told her to forget it, and she dropped it. She has bit me a couple of times on the neck, like, playful-like or something, while she was drunk. But it seemed kind of wierd. She also called me inappropriate names a couple times i can remember, while she was drunk, like once she called me a pencil dick. She finds these emotionally abusive boyfriends and wont leave them or even acknowledge there is even a problem. I end up feeling responsible for her, and all her boyfriends always seem jealous of me. I count 4 so far, 5 if you count my dad. There is other stuff that happened with my brothers that make me think they might have been abused before me.
My older brother used to poop his pants when he was slept when he was a kid, and has nightmares where he walks around sleepwalking. My younger brother always had a lot of unexpressed rage, and got into fights alot. He once threw a desk at his techer because he wouldn't take his school report for being late. My older brother always used to pick on my younger brother, but they always stayed together.
So am i paranoid? I feel like im going crazy. I am so afraid i feel like i did when i was little. Have i just been getting so scared that im starting to suspect everybody? I'm thinking i should write down all my important memories that i think are relevant and have somebody look through it and see what they think. So what do you guys think?