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#13404 - 11/21/01 10:55 PM *Ramblings*

This is an email I sent a friend of mine whose been there for me. I'm sure he wouldn't mind this if he knew that I'm using it for something good.

I know what you mean by the helpless and hopelessness. Sometimes I will wake up at nigth from my dreams world and realize the reality of my life. The cold air that is pushed out from my air conditioner help reminds me that I'm awake. Sometimes I think that the cool air is what brings me out of my warm cozy slumber. My dreams as of now are my only real escape from this world. I cherish each dream as if were a new adventure. I don't have the means to actually do the things I do in my dreams in real life so when I dream it's like a miniture vacation away from stress and fustration. Last night after I had spoken to a boy I knew named Ryan I felt really depressed. I thought about he had gone to college and majored in science and how my education compared in no way to his. Then I thought about all the things I could never offer him such as financial security and material things. I thought about how I was missing out on my life but not doing anything with it and letting the best times of my life slip through my hands. Then I thought what are the best time of my life?? Why do they call them the best time of your life? Is it because of youth or is it because we still have that childish hope in our minds?? I mean what makes these youthful years soo special?? Then I thought that no matter how much a person would want to be with someone they would still long for financial security. Like you said Andy, love doesn't buy you a sweater or flowers. I guess I got depressed because I have nothing really. I have nothing to offer besides myself and sometimes I think to myself that noone will ever love me because of that. I guess I treat myself the way i do because I think no one will ever love me for being poor and being used, abused whatever. it maked me cry. I'm crying now at work. I dont care though. I don't give a fuck. I cry because im soo sad. I let people use me because i think that sex is all i have to offer because I am not confident enough in myself and not strong enough to take rejection because of the way I really am. I wish someone could just love me for me sometimes. i know what you mean my helplessness. I can barely help myeslf. I see no future in myself sometimes and I end up in the same rut I am always in. leading a self destructive life because I feel no one cares or understand. Sometimes I wish I could pick up from here and start anew. Start meeting people and let them meet "Auggie the abused enlightement being" the real auggie who is confident and strong of what he is and who he is because of his experiences. But you wanna know something Andy. I don't. I find comfort in my lie. My big lie of a life. It's easier for me to lie. It's because I'm a coward. It's because I have never had anyone to tell me they love me and that's ok for me to be the way I am and that what ever happened is in the past and that everythign will be alrite. but I don't. i really swear to god dont. Its easy that your not alone because you have god but dgod isn't here to hug me. god isnt here telling me its gonna be alrite. and no matter how much you say god is in my heart I still feel alone and depressed. I wish I could have more confidence in myself to know that people will like me for me and thigns other than sex but I don't have that right now. =-( I'm sad. but I keep living. I'm soo dead its not even funny. I have no feelings whatsoever towards myself and those that use me. But I do care godamn it sometimes I care soo much it hurts. It hurts like a thousand knifes straight through my heart. and I take the pain. not only does my body hurt but my soul hurts as well. I don't know what tommorrow holds for me. I only hope for the best. Death for me at this point would be a blessing. All I have ever known up to this point in my life is pain. Pain to me is normal. So when I'm happy I feel weird. I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like its alien to me. I thank you for hearing me out andy. =-) I know its easier for me to say these things to you because you are so far away and I guess that is why god did this to us. I guess he figured I would never have the balls to tell anyone in person so he gave me a person like me to hear me out. and I thank you. One day I know I will be whole again andy. I know because I want it soooooo bad. I know because it was stolen from me and I wish one day to regain everything that I deserve. My innonce, my virginity, my childhood, my memories, my feelings, my entire soul. All those things are in me. I know they are andy but its soo hard sometimes. Its like they are caged with a thousand locks and I am slowly picking each lock until I pick the final lock that will set me free. My life is one of pain, my life is one of great joy. I have felt pain for years and years so I cherish every moment i get of happiness. Time I get writing you is happiness to me. I know that to many people a conversation with a stranger might not mean much but it means alot to me. =-) I feel sad , pathetic, for saying that. It makes me think im sorry. But I'm not. I know I'm not. I know I can be whatever I want to be and I know that I can slowly heal. I know I can and fuck anyone who tells me otherwise. I know me I know who I am. I need to start letting me out. I know what you mean about just saying "Fuck it" and dropping everything and just doing whatever. But you know what I can't. I need my job to survive. I however need to do it in a manner that will allow me one day to say "fuckit". Know what I mean??? I need to work hard so I can go to school and get a job I like and lead a life I wanna lead. I need to make friends that i like. If you want to leave Andy take the right steps. remember you have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk. We can't do everything at once. If you tried doing that you'd go crazy. You are lucky that you don't do anything that you don't wanna do. Don't see it as a bad thing andy see it as a thing you cherish very much. Believe me people will admire you for that. I admire you for that. We all don't have that quality we can share with others. I was crying last nite thinking about me not being a virgin and how I have never had it really. Virginity is new with every person but i don't feel like its like that with me. I feel used. I guess what Im trying to say is that I have never had love with anyone ya know. I don't think I have. Noone has ever made love to Auggie. I'm crying again in public. Noone has ever made love to auggie. only sex. only self gratification. only selfish needs. I want someone to love me for me and not what i look like. that abuse fucked me up I can say that. Ya it did. but you know what im not gonna let it hold me down anymore. I am somebody and I have feelings too damnit. I'm scared to think that noone will ever love auggie. I can relate to what your saying about never meeting you or someone like you and not having anyone ever understad me. It's scary to think about the future. But I learn to let go. I learn to just go with the flow. I learn to not be afraid. Remember lester. He let goes and it flows through him like rain. He finds comfort in letting go. In knowing that he has power over it to an extent but that if he lets go it allows him to be free. He lets go of life trying to hold onto life and life comforts him. I read yesterday that "We kill time, and time buries us". it's true. We need to stop wasting time. I need to stop wasting time with nosenseness. I need to stop dwelling on my past. I need to more foward. I feel like I am doing that now. I feel like I am going somewhere. When I get depressed it only brings me back a few steps but I spring foward whenever I get the chance. i don't want to be old and alone but that is a change I will have to take. that is a change we will all have to take. just because I was absed doesnt give me a "get outta of being lonely free card" it sucks I know. but we learn through our experiences. Andy dont do anything you don't wanna do. and don't feel bad for not doing anything certain things like I said. that makes you special. =-) You can hold your head up high.=-) You know something funny though I have never used sex for anything other than sex. Yup. and I still get depressed. isn't that fucked up. i like doing it then I get the guit kick in when I think I feel used. I guess it stems from the abuse. im sure it does. I mean i have to know that the only thing the person expects from me is the sex and that what i expect from them. I guess Blake made me feel bad. I really liked him. All we did was have sex and I wish i coulda got to know him and be his friend. But he left me. He told me he found someone else but i really think i pushed him away. I think he knew that i only wanted sex. I mean he sensed that I only wanted sex. He would invite me places but I would never follow up. I feel bad. I really liked him. He was smart and beautiful and funny. oh well it wasnt; mean to be though. I felt bad because I wanted him sooo badly. I still hurt. But I really didn't know him at all just sex. =-( But I want more that just sex damnit. I wanted mental stimulation. I live to meet someone that'll care for me and know me as well as I know them. I want someone to love auggie mentaly and physically. Auggie feels naked in this world. Its dog eat dog world that we live in. and im all one. I don't wanna eat noone ya know. I dont wanna step on anyone. Last night I found out that I wanna help people. I use to remember when I was younger I would drop pennies into the basket of the poor women who were begging. I didnt know at the time that a penny wasnt alot of money but i would give it to them anyways. they would just look up at me with these eyes. I'll never forget the eyes. Eyes of sadness, eyes of hope. I really want to help human beings in some way. I don't know how exactly yet. I know that I am still alive and still breathing for some reason. God wants me here. I coulda already put a bullet in my head and ended it all but it hasnt happened. If I am destined to be alone and die of some horrible disease Then so be it. Goddamn it this is my life and I am going to enjoy what I got left ya know. I am going to be happy for myself each day that I wake up. If for anything I will be happy that I got to know someone special like you. =-) I really do wanna thank you Andy. You are special. I love you too. hehe =-) I love you for loving me. I have to love you and I want to love you. I know what you mean about how being a child is easier. being a child is easy no big words no ego no worries. but remember Corithians chapter 13 verse 11 "When I was a child, I thought as I child and spoke as a child, but when I grew up I put aways childish things." I know that feeling of being a child. I know what you mean. but I will let you know something you can be a child again when your an adult. its easy. rememer the jacuzzi experiecence? let me explain. When your a child everything is new everything is exciting. Once you get older things get old and nothing is exciting anymore. In our minds we think nothing is new but in fact everything is new. We need to view life that as an adult. We have never been adults and we have knowledge. Knowledge is power and some people call it "Old". Know what I mean. As adults we can look deeper into things. We can look at things with a new view. we can see what things are made up of. You think as a child you could ever know about deep things? About life? About the way things are? Of course not. We are care free. As we grow older we start seeing the reality of things. Some of us get really depressed and give up but we musn't. You can be care free as an adult and curious. Stop trying to hold onto life and life will hold you and comfort you. remeber to celebrate life. Life is not always sad and not always boring. We only make it sad and boring. I don't at all think you are being dependent on my andy. I think that if anything this experience is more of journey into yourself. The reason you are so "dependant" is because you are striving to understand yourself. Know what I mean? it's not that you seek my approval or anything but rather some understanding of why you feel the way you do about yourself. as I do too. I hope you don't set yourself up to be dissapointed. I do that sometimes because I figure hey its happened many of times before so what will make this one differerent. But remember every experience is a new one and should be given a fair chance. I use to assume alot but I stopped. I didn't get me anywhere. I know what you mean about not being able to focus on one thing and go with it all the way. that is what were we get to the slowing down part. We need to slow down and not want everything at once. That way our brain can stop racing about everything so we can focus on only one thing. It takes practice and as you get older and more to worry about it becomes harder to focus but believe me with regular excercising of your mind you can begin to see one thing through to the end. For example your songs. take bits and pieces of your songs and put them together. Im sure different parts of you come out at different times. Combine them and see what happens. =-) I'm not an expert here but I know from personal experience that I have real good times for me to think and times when thinking is the last thing I wanna do. We can't always be thinking. Wanna hear a song that makes me really sad. I don't know why it makes me feel sooo i dunno depressed,happy. i dunno here it is.I'll leave ya with this ok.
love ya lots with all my auggie heart

#13405 - 11/24/01 04:07 AM Re: *Ramblings*
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
There is so much here. Your “ramblings” show your determination to survive in the face of so much. You have been through a lot and yet you want to help others.

This painful journey, the ups and downs you feel are to be expected. Sorting through the pain and sense of loss is hard. We had our childhoods taken from us. It is a painful loss and we often want our childhood back. We carry so many symptoms of the abuse, lack of boundaries, low self esteem, trust issues, depression and loneliness.

I believe that part of the work of healing ourselves involves exploring the symptoms and seeing how the weave their way through our day to day lives. Seeing our symptoms lessons the grip they have on us. I think professional help can increase our focus and narrow the field for discovering who we really are behind our trauma and its effects. You are well on the road toward recovery. Thanks for sharing your ramblings.


"..this place isn't a discussion's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

#13406 - 11/26/01 10:13 PM Re: *Ramblings*

I had written this "ramble" before I wrote the love letter. Once I figured out what was wrong with me was when I realized what love really was. A really good friend helped me realize that I was a human being and that I did have a soul and I was intitled to feel anything I wanted about my life. I am no longer the person I originally came into this forum as. I am still me but with love in my heart. It's great. I feel great. I am great. hahaha. I hope we can all understand how special and fragile the human being is. I love.haha Love is awesome man.

#13407 - 11/27/01 03:19 AM Re: *Ramblings*


Honest to God, I think this is the longest paragraph I've ever read! And there is so much in there....

I was so glad to read your most recent post and to learn that things are looking more positive for you.

Actually, when I skim back over your long letter to Andy I am left with the distinct impression that all you need to know is right there in your own words! Funny how the Universe tells us what we need to be knowing, isn't it?

Your heart sounds so much lighter, now, my friend. You are healing!



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