Iím so sorry to hear the damage that these men caused to you, the young boy of only 14. You do know you were taken advantage of and these adults should not have done what they did donít you? I get you to ask yourself that upfront because I know itís whatís probably gone through your mind many times. 14 is an age where you can think perhaps you were not a child any more and you knew better and it was your choice and it was not abuse bla bla bla.
Youíre here and youíve said enough about yourself to prove to any of us (and yourself) that you were harmed by what happened and that it was abuse. I hope you can accept that and from that point work on recovery as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. For myself, I had to deal with similar issues. I was abused from ages 4-11 then again at age 14-15. I separated the 14-15 age incidents in my mind and told myself I was to blame for those. It didnít help my recovery at all and I needed to see these sick men for the abusers they were and for what they did to me. Now I can move on from that point and I am.
Introduction over. Welcome to MS.
I wanted to recap on something you posted earlier
I realized the fantasies are not at all important to me and they mean nothing..
But the problem is is that it keeps me from the thing I want most which is a girlfriend
Apart from you actually stating the obvious in that they (these fantasies) are a problem in that they are affecting your ability to have a girlfriend, I want to add that apart from that, they mean lots anyway. As you have started seeing a therapist Iím sure thatís ground you will cover in due time.
Let me clarify what I mean Ė and I can relate to behaviours or things that happen to you that you wish they didnít yet they do and you try to think they mean nothing yet they do.
Itís your mindsí way of trying to cope by putting up a barrier. Itís too much to think about the real trauma of the abuse so youíll think of something related to the abuse and fool yourself that itís you choosing to do this. If you can fool yourself that itís your choice then you can feel like you are in control.
When you were abused you had no control so if you can have a sense of control now that feels better. Even if that very thing brings further pain or grief or makes you feel sick itís still better than being faced with the real truth of the real trauma or way the abuse was really like and hereís the big one Ė how it FELT (emotionally).
I donít have the magic pill on that one. Iím only starting to see the crazy games our minds invent in a way to stall the inevitable for as long as possible. The clock is ticking for me and Iím glad (I think) because it just hurts too much living this way day in day out.
At 18, Iím so glad youíre facing this stuff now. I know I felt life was not quite right for me at 18 but I couldnít put my finger on it. My abuse was still deeply repressed and it took a few more years before I could face it, and even more years to get to this point of REALLY dealing with it.
Welcome to your journey, and welcome to all of us.