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#132723 - 12/01/06 09:53 PM Healing issues - awareness...
scooter Offline

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
I've struggled with my sexual identity for years. Recently I have found a lot more acceptance in who I am. One of my problems is accepting and understanding myself as a man and accepting my heterosexuality. I feel as if I've been coming out of the heterosexual closet, if you will.

I recently started a relationship with a guy who's gay. It's not sexual, but friendship. I respect who he is as a man. I have had this need to know if I'm straight or bi and my wife asked why this is so important to me. I didn't know.

The next day it hit me. I've always been fine with if I were straight, bi, or gay; but it always bugged me because I struggled with it as well. Then I started thinking about time that my abuser made reference that I looked like a "faggot" in my pants in front of everyone.

I began to be afraid that people would see "what I did with him" by what I wore, how I acted, what I did, etc. This has carried into other ways by being afraid that people would think I'm gay if I move to softly, if I may have a lisp, if I wear jeans too tight, to if I don't get completely aroused during sex sometimes(or dissociate), or if I'm not horny all the time, or look at a guy and admire his body. I found that it was tough to express this to my T because I was afraid he'd think I'm gay...

Then couple that with a society that is so abusive to homosexuals and being homosexual seems to mean "less than." Everytime I do something I can hear him saying that I'm a "faggot" or less than a man, less than human. It's not a fear of being gay, but being less than. But meeting someone who is gay, I don't think he is less than. He's cool and a good guy and it has nothing to do with my orientation and homosexuality does not make someone "less than."

So I've decided - who gives a rat's ***, I'll be gay, I'll be straight - it really doesn't matter because no matter what I am a man, with all my weaknesses and strengths, my successes and failures - and my abuser, though confusing me, could never take that away from me. And being fully a man won't make me what my abuser was - he was a man, but a sick f****** pathetic man who couldn't face his own demons.

#132724 - 12/01/06 11:36 PM Re: Healing issues - awareness...
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Scooter - I struggle with a lot of the same feelings.

I was SA by my older sister. I grew up incredibely ashamed and uncomfortable in my own home. I grew up wondering how much it would break my parents heart to know this - they thought everything was so hunky-dorey. I also often wondered how awful it would be if anyone found out. I also wondered what it meant that I actually I was actually a participant in these actions. That I didn't fight them from happeneing. What does it say about me? Poeple would look at me as a freak. Or maybe like a pussy for letting it happen.

These feelings were very prevalent in my life growing up and I always felt like I had a hard time fitting in b/c of this. I felt ashamed all of the time. This lead to me having serious issues with my self confidence and always wanting to "appear" manly or macho to cover my sensitivites to these issues even though I'm a sensitive caring person.

About a year ago, these feelings finally caught up to me in a relationship. I was having a lot of intimacy trouble with my ex-GF who herself is very insecure and superficial. Namely, I could never come to climax during sex with her. I could doing other things, but it was impossible for me to orgasm inside her. This drove us both nuts. While this has always been sort of an issue for me (whole other story - but related). She lashed out at me once when I sort of brushed off sex. She screamed at me "Are you gay or something."

I think that, as a part of these self-confidence issues, this was a seriously tramatic experience. This sent me in a downward spiral. Part of me finally began to worry about some feelings on "male attraction" in my life. I have had always been comfortable enough to say, "he's a good looking guy." But it was more of a "I wish I was that good looking" rather than "I am attracted to him" kind of way.

While at this point in my life, I have control, I am now so worried about getting close to a woman for all of the reasons you mentioned above. It's almost like I just believe a relationship is going to fail b/c of my confidence issues (and sexual challenges). And I'm even more worried about telling them my issues stem from being abused by my sister, who is still part of my life. What would she think of me? That I'm weak? What would she think of my sister? Could she understand that maybe me sister was projecting her own feelings of powerlessness on me?

In the end, I am trying to come to grips with these issues. I, too, am now trying to say to myself that my experiences, like anyone elses, make them unique. I clearly now that I am different sexually than most. I know that, while I'm most mentally and physically attracted to a woman, I also have some part of me which does have a basic level attraction to males in some certain, fantastical situations which are related to the sexual role-reversal which occured during this abuse (my sister plyed the pushy boy role and I played the submissive girl role). Sometimes I have a need to be in this "girl" role.

Rather than try to label myself these days, I am just trying to be happy with myself. Periods of stress and anxiety in my work life, magnify these issues. They make me feel more scared and unballanced. However, stepping bakc and taking stock on a daily basis is the best way for me to feel good about myself. I am a good person. I am a nice person. I treat people well and with respect.

Most importantly, I always try to tell myself that, in life, I have plenty to look forward to. I'm 26 years old and, this time last year, was on the verge of taking my own life. I was wishing everyday that I'd just have some terrible accident.

No matter what happens - you must have hope for things to come. This is the first step towards a positive existence. It will allow you to believe in yourself and live every day to the fullest.

Sorry if this turned into a personal rant, but I guess your feelings really struck a chord within me. Thanks.


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