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#132719 - 12/01/06 12:27 PM sex, getting rough, and why i do it.
Hatter Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 2

I'm at a point of major confusion.

Ok, I'm just going to pass over the back story and cut right to the chase. I have a girlfriend, we've been dating awhile now. My girl is great in bed and she says i'm the best sex of her life. Sometimes we role play or get a little kinky, all pretty low level for 'rough sex' as far as I'm concerned.

I like getting hit in bed, not super, super hard but I want to feel it. I want it to shake me. I like getting told i'm bad and dirty cause it's how i want to be. I like her on top of me and I pretend I don't really want it but I know I do. I often like to think of myself as younger, like a teenager. (i'm 22) We have some role playing that helps me feed that but it's never as extreme as i want it because i'm ashamed to ask.

It's not that often i think of sex as some pure clean thing. I do sometimes make love to my girl, like it's emotional and touching, but a lot of times I just want it to be a dirty fuck. I like telling her what to do and that she's a good girl. She likes it when i do that, she told me it turns her on. But it's not always what she's in the mood for.

The other night we were having sex and she got upset because I was being rough. She said she just wanted something affectionate and tender and that I was never like that. I don't think that's true, I am tender sometimes. I hug her and hold her, kiss her gently, stroke her hair, caress her... but once i go into her and start fucking her that all goes out the window. I want to dominate her and then I want to roll over and have her beat the shit out of me. I've been with men and i had a similar look to it.

When i'm jerking off, I can only get a really good orgasm if i'm thinking of horrible things, like girls, and sometimes boys, getting taken advantage of and even getting raped. I am never directly in the fantasies,it's like i'm watching porn. But recently I have seen little splices of me moving into these rape fantasies and it's freaking me out. Now even when i'm fucking my girl I have to switch my mind to something else to really get off. Maybe it's been this way before, i can't remember.

I know I don't want to rape or molest anyone. Sometimes I bite my girl too hard or pull her too roughly and I hurt her and I feel awful about that. For her it's just a momentary thing and she wants to get back in it but it upsets me. I don't want to hurt her, but i feel that deep down I want to hurt something. I have had these feelings for as long as I have been sexually aware of myself. I know it's not soley cause by any trama I went through... at least, not any trama I can remember. But still, when shit happened to me all this didn't apply. It didn't make me like it or help me deal with it after it happened.

Maybe it is getting worse because I am dealing with my past better than I was before. Maybe it's because I am expressing it more through role play and I am wanting more. I know that to an extent S&M and fantasy can be a healthy means of sexual expression. I just worry mine isn't healthy. And my girl wants more tenderness in bed than I seem to be able to give, though I really have been trying. I've really lightened up how rough I am with her, and when she said I was too rough I wasn't even being that rough. I didn't think I was anyway... I don't want to be a monster. I'm afraid of myself.

I know this shit was long but I would really appriciate anyone who has any input. Anyone have similar feelings? I don't know if this is even relevant all all cause it isn't really related to my abuse but, I just don't know who else to turn to about it. I know I should go into therapy but i feel like i'm so done with therapy.

#132720 - 12/01/06 09:33 PM Re: sex, getting rough, and why i do it.
scooter Offline

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
I understand what you are saying, but I take a different turn. I completely shut down when I feel like being rough with my wife because I never want to be abusive with her. We've found a balance and keep it really mild - like fingernails and stuff. But if I'm pissed I have a heavy bag hanging out in the garage and I go beat on that.

Sometimes when I am being sexual alone I can let my sexual anger out. And yes - I have a lot of sexual anger - and rightly so. We have been injured deeply and I know that I have a desire to heal, erase, take back, etc. in any way that I can. I just have to choose the healthy way.

I believe that sex should be easy. Any time I feel like I'm laying things over it - like anger, shame, guilt, power - I'm acting out the past. But all that is present to degrees w/o any connection to the abuse as well. So sex is a mess at times. But life is messy at times as well. I think it's paramount to healing to understand what I do sexually out of my own arousal and what I do sexually as a result of surviving the effects of the abuse.

I think though it's easy to get hung up on having to be all loving during sex. In loving relationships it's not just some pure loving - we give all of who we are and many times it is scratching an itch together. The important thing is to talk about sex, what we do with our partner, and be completely open about our feelings and experience. When open communication takes place, sex can be a great power for us to heal.

But it is all a mess and I think that therapy and openness with our partner are two of the most valuable experiences for healing.

#132721 - 12/05/06 01:54 AM Re: sex, getting rough, and why i do it.
GuyD2006 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Louisiana
Thanks for this post. I also have these rape fantasies. I have been going to SAA and I also see a therapist. Its getting better, I don't alow them to continue for long. I used to spend hours and hours masturbating and fantasizing to these horrible sences in my head. I now have to realize that sex is just a part of my life and that it does not have to define my life. My wife and I have a good sex life. Its not nearly at the level it used to, but I don't use fanatsies while we are making love anymore. I try to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment and not drift away. It helps...I am so much more calm these days. I dont have to objectify everyone I come into contact with..what a relief. It takes so much time and energy living the way I used to... now I consider people for their souls rather than their bodies. Its still hard and I sometimes still revert to those old ways... but I'm getting better. I have given my life to God. To do His will. Sexualizing and objectifying people do not bring me closer to God ... so I try not to..but its difficult at times. Progress not perfection. Good Luck there are some tools you can use to limit these thoughts.. get in a group or therapy and find some that work for you.

God Bless,

Guy D.

#132722 - 12/07/06 01:13 AM Re: sex, getting rough, and why i do it.
phoster Offline

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
likely it has more to do with your abuse than you are realizing. abused men often react in one of two ways. one is to shut down during sex. they basically just go through the motions, but they are not able to really enjoy it.

yours is another way. men often take a dominating place or get rough in an attempt to take control back. they may also become passive and enjoy being degraded as a means of reliving what happened as they attempt to reprosses and understand.

one thing i learned is that all the therapy and healing in the world doesnt change your atractions much. i believe those become set in place very young, and remain largely the same throughout our life. what healing can give you is understanding and the ability to choose and control better.

obviously you've had some bad experiences with therapy. i am sorry, because this stuff just isnt something you can fix without help, in my opinion. i believe it will take outside help for you to find much relief. therapy isnt perfect, but it is the best tool we have.

compassion is a light even to the darkest soul


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