How are you?
My ex-girlfriend is a survivor of child sexual abuse, about which she shared with me more than 5 years since we'd stopped our relationship.
Her cousin returned from the army, made her get drunk (she was underaged) and made her do oral sex to him.
She hase been rapped two or three times later.
I didn't know this when we were friends and lovers. But it was a hard kind of relationship. In sex, we were rather experimenting than really understanding each other.
Also, she hurt and I could see that.
One time, I remember, when we were passing college exams and living in a city together, I would come to teh appartment and see her holding a knife and cutting her arm. That was pretty frigtnening even then. I was shocked, and talked to her, but she was feeling pain, indeed.
The whole thing is that I broke teh relationship because I was feeling so much pain, and I didn't want sex with her anymore. I was feelingbad and alienated from our being together. A hard thing, I would say.
However, as the 6 years have come without me having sex with anyone (almost no sex), I want it, of course, but also I would not like to be with a survivor who is not realizing what isfucking going on with her and around her. So I feel scared if a girl tends to share with me her life issues, work issues, etc. I mean when she does not analyze but just put it on my head. IT is scary and confusing. In my experienced, that led to a horrid outcome.
Also, sex to me is more about oral part, because as I found out in my youthhood, even if as girl don't seem very aroused for intercourse, she will do oral sex, and she will welcome me doing this for her.
This has been my situation. I feel confused, but also I should be a realist.
Maybe girls don't like that I smoke, even if they are smoking themselves. Maybe they don't like my looks, but I am not a monster really.
One thing I realized lately is that I don't dream about being romantic with a girl. It doesn't exite me. Sex, and the body parts are good in fanthasies.
Strange and confusing. Fucking confusing. I can't stop thinkign about it. I feel overhelmed by the thoughts about a relationship with a girl, and what it really can be. I dream about what it can feel like.
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!