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#132621 - 10/24/06 06:13 PM A question for my gay friend
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX

My best friend as a kid was a guy. We have kept in touch all these yrs. We even dated in college.

I talked to him last night. He told me for the first time that his dad beat the s*** out of him often, and often because my friend had a GIRL for a best friend, and the dad would say things like, "What are you, some kind of sissy?" and all that to make him feel he wasn't masculine enough and would mock him if he cried. My friend admitted that his dad saying these things and being mean to him only made him want to become those things his dad said he was.

My friend's mom just sort of stood by as my friend was physically abused by his dad. My friend actually defends her to this day, saying she was emotionally submissive to his dad and could not defend herself against him because he was such an explosive man. I know his mom was lonely and my friend admitted that he and she bonded together strongly because of the abusive husband/father.

I told my friend about my situation w/ my husband and about this website.

My friend said there was not anything sexual ever done to him by his dad or mom.....yet when I describe the guys from this website and their symptoms, such as how they can't trust, they shut their heart away from others ever since the time of the abuse, he kept saying, "Yep, I know exactly what you mean," Like he has the symptoms but doesn't know why, if there was no sexual abuse.

Could the beatings/rantings by his dad be classified as sexual abuse? Could this be enough to give him "sexual confusion" since in about the last few yrs he decided he was gay? He was afraid of his dad and therefore it was hard for him to bond w/ other males as friends much, or identify w/ men, etc. Just wondering....and I remember when he was probably 11 or so his mom got sick and he told me back then he had to maybe help bathe and dress her and help take care of her b/c his dad was out of town, and I remember thinking back THEN as a kid that that sounded an inapropriate thing for a parent to ask a child to do. I did not remind my friend of this last night on the phone.


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

#132622 - 10/24/06 08:33 PM Re: A question for my gay friend
bp83 Offline

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
bathing the mother sounds very inappropriate, and the relationship with his father is abusive, maybe not sexually in the "traditional" sense, but it would definitely seem to merit sexual confusion. My situation is equally ambiguous, but the impact is severe nonetheless.


"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

#132623 - 10/26/06 01:37 AM Re: A question for my gay friend
Russ2 Offline

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Hey there.

From your post, it doesn't sound like your friend is experiencing any "sexual confusion."

Sadly, too many little gay boys are treated poorly by hypermasculine, homophobic (and mean) fathers.

- Russ

#132624 - 10/26/06 05:18 AM Re: A question for my gay friend
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Sexual abuse doesn't necessarily involve sexual acts. A boy can be sexually abused even if no one lays a hand on him. Repeatedly walking in on a boy when he's naked in the shower, exposing oneself to him, showing him porn, taking photos and so on - all of that is abuse.

Abuse is about the violation of the boundaries of a vulnerable person by someone who is more powerful. It's all about power, and, for example, that's why the current investigation of the former Rep. Mark Foley is all about abuse. He was using his influence and power to sexually manipulate vulnerable teenage boys.

A good gauge of abuse is a simple question: Did the boy have the freedom to say no without suffering serious consequences, such as withdrawal of love and attention and exposure to shame and ridicule?

And of course abuse can take forms other than sexual. If a boy is hit by those who are supposed to keep him safe, that is abuse. If he is ridiculed and mocked, that is abuse as well. These are all violations of his boundaries, even if he doesn't know he has the right to these boundaries.

Sexual confusion can so easily arise from sexual abuse, since the boy's boundaries have been so thoroughly wrecked. But whether that has happened in the case of your friend isn't clear.

One thing to bear in mind is that being a victim of sexual abuse isn't likely to "turn" one gay. Being gay is a part of who a guy is; being a survivor means he is a victim of someone else's crime.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132625 - 10/26/06 08:06 AM Re: A question for my gay friend
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I hear all of you. I am thankful for your wisdom on this. Perhaps he really was gay all along and the abuse was just added to it. It just made me wonder since this has been the YEAR of sexual abuse for me in my own situation and I'm learning so much. Also because I care for my friend and wasn't dead positive that he was even gay, but am sure he may have already made his decision and I will respect that.


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2


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