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#132611 - 10/18/06 10:17 PM The Fight Going On Inside Me
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
I've posted here a few times. Each post has been answered helpfully and compationately. For this I am both thankful and comfortable here... so here goes again...

I was sexually abused by my older sister from the age of 6-9. Until I was 24 years old I went through life feeling straight as an arrow. Never any issues with my sexual confidence / orientation.

Now I am in a world of confusion. I, like many others here, have an issue with gay porn. I have tried an actual male experience once, but left feeling bad and unfulilled. I have thought about doing it again, but never really get that interested to execute. My attraction feels more like more of a fantastical thing than something I want in reality.

Part of me says that being abused by a woman would not drive me in this direction. Part of me says it would. I do know my feelings are very submissive. I wonder if something inside me feels like I could no longer find that sense of being controlled while being intimate with a woman. I just don't know.

What I do know is this - In my heart I've always loved women. I'm 26 and I've had two great, loving relationships to this point in my life. Unfortunately, my discomfort with myself (and the subsiquent difficulties being intimate with her) caused the demise of my most recent relationship.

In my life I have never had trouble getting a woman. Now I feel myself becoming scared of them. Most of my issues surfaced toward the end of my last relationship in which my GF became abusive and hurtful in reponse to my sexual withdrawl.

Now I'm worried that any woman I'm honest with I'm scared that my they are going to find out about me and think I'm some type of weirdo. Are these related to abuse? Are these the feeling which someone has when they are finding a new orientaton? Can anyone else relate to any of these feelings?


#132612 - 10/18/06 11:10 PM Re: The Fight Going On Inside Me
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally posted by Cedric:
Most of my issues surfaced toward the end of my last relationship in which my GF became abusive and hurtful in reponse to my sexual withdrawl.
Hello, Cedric,

I can relate to what you are saying above, as the same pattern followed me during my dating life. I was always sexually reserved with the women I was dating, did not want to begin a sexual relationship with them. Eventually, they would always push and push towards that, until finally I was pushed into a sexual relationship with them. I felt disgusted by it, the fact that I was, yet again, being used for someone else's sexual desires rather than what I wanted. Finally, I met my future wife, who never pursued me sexually while we were dating. It made all the difference in the world in my attraction towards her.


#132613 - 10/19/06 12:06 AM Re: The Fight Going On Inside Me
coconut Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/06
Posts: 2

I can relate; I am very intimidated by sexually agressive women (which is probably not all that aggressive by normal standards). You are not alone.

#132614 - 10/19/06 05:55 AM Re: The Fight Going On Inside Me
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
The sexual abuse by a female can leave one feeling unsafe when with females. Was your sister a teen when she abused you? There may be some uncomfortable attraction/repulsion to body parts, hair, aggressiveness, or other factors associated with the abuse.

The curiosity/attraction to the males may be an alternative to the negatives connected with the female body/personality that your sister represented. Lack of interest and desire when you had the chance may confirm more of a heterosexual orientation than a homosexual one.

I don't know what you mean by "finding a new orientation". I suspect you'd be more interested in males if you were gay. The interest in male porn does not necessarily indicate gay orientation.

You might want to post something in Family and Friends about your concerns of being a "weirdo". Good likelihood this is coming from the abuse.

Good topics to discuss in therapy with a competent therapist.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#132615 - 10/19/06 06:01 AM Re: The Fight Going On Inside Me
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
This is so bewildering to me. It appears that if a man is abused by a man, he will act out with men and wonder if he's gay because of the abuse, and if he's abused by a woman, he may be attracted to males then too. I feel like there's no way around a sexually abused male being attracted to males, if only in a sexual way. Does that make sense?


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

#132616 - 10/19/06 08:41 PM Re: The Fight Going On Inside Me
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Originally posted by Ken Singer, LCSW:
The sexual abuse by a female can leave one feeling unsafe when with females. Was your sister a teen when she abused you?
Thanks for your responses. My sister is 4 years older than me, but was infinantly stronger than me. I always felt like I was forced to obey her... which is why I allowed these things to happen in the begining.

The funny thing is that I believe I have always had issues becoming comfortable with women - even though I've probably slept with over 50 of them. Before these other feelings surfaced, I often times felt like I needed to amazingly good at intimacy with woman. On more than one occasion, a girl has asked me "why I'm so serious" when being intimate. I wonder is this is becuase I am SO worried about making her feel good.

I actually get to a point where I don't worry about enjoying it at all because I want to make sure she feels great. This led me to becoming OK without climaxing. Now it has almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was recently with a woman, and I functioned properly. This felt great. But whenever I get involved in something serious, these challenges resurface.

#132617 - 10/22/06 01:55 AM Re: The Fight Going On Inside Me
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

There's of course a big difference between, on the one hand, sexual prowess being comfortable with sex, and on the other hand, real intimacy with your partner as a whole person.

In a true relationship both partners trust each other enough to allow themselves to be vulnerable. Regardless of how good the sex is, having been abused by your sister might make it difficult for you to allow yourself to relax and genuinely be yourself when you are with someone. It wouldn't surprise me if you found it very difficult to allow the defenses to come down and just "let go". A part of you remembers how badly that turned out in the past, and what utter betrayal that lets you open to.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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