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#132534 - 08/13/06 02:49 PM help me before i lose her :-(
confused_man_28 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/13/06
Posts: 1
Loc: belfast
Hi iam 28 and my girlfriend is 25. I have been in a relationship for over three years with my girlfriend and I love her to bits but I have a problem with myself in that I keep going behind her back to go on gay or bi chat sites not to meet anyone but to chat and arrange a meet but never can go through with it and have done this a few times and have been caught by my girlfriend by emails etc, I dont want to be with a guy physically but in my head I do if you want to say its like a fantasy but I dont want to carry it through. I never had these feelings when I was younger, I have always been attracted to the oppiste sex and never the same sex, the thing is I was raped one time on holiday when I was 15, I got too drunk and ended up on a beach half naked on a sun lounger with a guy raping me I was too drunk to stand or walk so I couldnt fight back and didnt realise till the next day when I woke up, I only remember bits of that night , I have never told anyone other than my girlfriend. From then I have always bottled my feelings up and never been open to anyone, always keep people at arms length if you want to say. Iam slowly opening up with my girlfriend but I still have the feelings that keep resurfacing of going on to the sites not to meet like I said, this is putting a hell of a strain on us as you can imagine. Iam so close to losing her but she has shown me brilliant support in this matter but I need help with this problem. Believe me when I say that i am more than happy in the relationship with my girlfriend but the feelings keep on appearing and I dont know how to stop them this is why Iam on here. How do I deal with these feelings? How can I stop them? Is there a way to stop them resurfacing without bottling up all my feelings? long story short, i joined gaydar, and emailed a guy from there, i didnt want to meet him, i dont know why i keep doing these things and i want to stop before i lose my girlfriend forever. any advice from anyone reading this would be appreciated, i know i need help, my girlfriend sat me down today and told me that if it doesnt stop then she will leave and never come back because i keep hurting her, she just wants me to be honest with her but i dont know how because since what happened to me i have bottled everything up inside, i find it hard to open up. i want to stop hurting her but dont know how, can someone please help before its too late.

#132535 - 08/13/06 03:13 PM Re: help me before i lose her :-(
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Is this anything to do with trying to turn your past abuse into the fantasy, that it was something to be enjoyed?

I watch gay movies, and they can be a huge turn on, but that is fantasy, a million miles away from anything I would do.

I think your gf needs to know that you have suffered sexually in the past, she need not know the full details, but ask for her help, and tell her you need her.

I noticed you are from Belfast, so welcome from the UK,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#132536 - 08/13/06 06:21 PM Re: help me before i lose her :-(
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

One thing you can do is tell her more or less exactly what's in your post above. This goes a lot further than just saying you were abused as a boy.

One thing that will help her is to know this isn't something you are doing out of dissatisfaction with her as a woman or partner. You are doing this out of anguish over your own situation.

You may be wondering, for example, whether that abuse episode "made" you gay, or you may be wondering if perhaps you wanted the contact, or if it was all your fault because you were drunk. Your overtures to gay men on the Internet seems to be part of an effort to figure this out. But of course it's a pretty unhealthy way to do that, as you already seem to understand.

I think almost any doctor you consult would tell you that in order to deal with these issues effectively you need to seek professional help. A therapist will be able to get you through the minefields with the minimum of new pain and trauma.

That said, your girlfriend needs to see specific signs of commitment from you, and in fact she is doing what she has to do under the circumstances. She is stating how she feels about you, but she's also saying what her boundaries are. That is, she has told you that she loves you and wants to stay with you, but that if these Internet contacts continue that's something she cannot accept.

Can you see her point of view? It's not just a matter of fidelity, which in itself would already be a major concern. You haven't met any of these contacts so far, but surely she has the right to worry about health issues if one day you do. She needs to see specific signs that you understand this and are willing to act accordingly. She needs to see that her feelings and concerns are important to you, and that you are willing to move towards accepting your fair share of maintaining the relationship.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132537 - 08/13/06 07:34 PM Re: help me before i lose her :-(
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
A quick and simple explanation is that you put yourself in a situation to recreate the abuse in the unconscious desire to have control of the situation this time. That may be why you make the inital start but you bail out in the end (guess who's in control?)

This is something to discuss with a therapist. Because of the widespread Irish clergy abuse and the state's responsibility to heal victims, I'm pretty sure you can find therapists experienced in male abuse. There is an organization that acts as a clearinghouse for therapists in Ireland (and actually in other countries... I was seeing a man who was abused as a boy in Ireland by a priest and living now in the US. The church paid for his therapy with me.) but I don't recall their name. They could direct you to someone who can help sort this out.

Your interest/attraction to males probably does not mean you are gay or bi but it is a bit too complicated to explain here. It is a pretty common experience for male survivors.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#132538 - 08/29/06 11:06 AM Re: help me before i lose her :-(
kishka06 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/21/06
Posts: 38
I don't know if my response to these posts is appropriate - I am not a survivor, but a partner. This is exactly what happened with me and my fiance. I am reading as many posts as I can to try to understand why he does this, and yours answered pretty much everything I want to ask him - but he isn't ready to talk about it.

He also said that he never intended to meet up with the men that he had emailed.I too have asked him just to be honest with me, but he hasn't got to that point yet where he is comfortable with telling me everything.

You have to trust that your girlfriend really wants to stand by you....I am working hard to convince my fiance I am not going to leave him.

I know I can't offer you any advice on how to stop, but I can tell you that your girlfriend is hurting and confused, and just wants you to be honest with her. From what you said, she obviously loves you.

Sorry I wasn't much help to you, but you helped me understand what my fiance is going through.
Thank you.

#132539 - 08/31/06 08:45 AM Re: help me before i lose her :-(
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Confused, I was raped. For a long time I thought the stranger who raped me must have been a gay man. I used to be afraid that if I was approached by a gay guy that I mite hurt him as a form of revenge on gays. Could your arranging meetings and then not showing up be a form of revenge on gays? I got raped, there for I am going to fuck with their minds? In case you did not know, the odds are very high that the guy who raped you was heterosexual.
Facts about Men and Rape

One of the things I have been doing to try and decrease my homophobia is read the posts of the gay guys, and some times respond to them. I think it is helping. Knowing that they hurt just as I do, helps for some reason.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!


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