Newest Members
mmm coffee, Calibre09, FallGuy2154, Whoamitoday, Joe4618
13527 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
anon_wife (37), Chilly Willy (57), FC (57), JHB1976 (41), malitovsky1 (63), Roofus (46), Sara L. (35), TexasCowboy (55), toni (62)
Who's Online
3 registered (Ceremony, 2 invisible), 73 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,527 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,364 Topics
491,388 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#132463 - 07/28/06 07:03 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
this is all to confusing! :rolleyes:

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#132464 - 07/29/06 02:13 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Hi Trevor,

My posts are confusing becuase I have a lot of confused feelings and shame about how I coped with my abuse.

My life has been one of contrasts. I have been a kick boxing state champion but also a transvestite prostitute. I have surf waves that would scare or kill most people yet find myself sometimes acting like a soft, feminent girl. I have been an extreme outdoor athlete and sometimes a drugged out coke and meth whore.

I can't handle bouncing from one extreme to another any more. I need to find balance and peace of mind. I think everyone here is looking for some form of peace. I believe it's within each of us. Us CSA survivors just have to dig thru more crap to find it.

Aloha, Sunny


Top
#132465 - 07/30/06 01:44 AM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Sunny,

have you ever thought about teh roots of your feelings!
The wiring in your brain get crossed when abuse happens at a young age.

I was fearing for my life, and if I didnt yell, then maybe I wouldnt be here, but I did yell, and maybe it saved my life, and that is what sent me into cross dressing in early life, to disguise that I was a boy.

I disguised myself as a boy to thwart being killed by some maniac who said he knew where I lived and he will come and get me, and kill my family.

It was also an act to rid myself of being a male who could do these things, and it sure was tough working out that most men would not harm kids.

The female side of me, helped me return to loving myself, and yes, I did transpose myself into thinking that I was a girl having sex.

Get in touch with your female side, I do, and feel so much better in that life, than being a male,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#132466 - 07/31/06 03:16 AM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Thanks,

I have a lot to think about and will write more soon.

Sunny


Top
#132467 - 08/01/06 01:12 AM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
When I was younger (I'm 22) I always felt like a girl. I wore my mom's clothes and played with her makeup, grew up being friends with girls and all. I was tormented by my peers and my brother and his older friends. Somewhere around 8th grade, I grew out of this stage and no longer wanted to be a girl or hang out solely with girls. But, I didn't exactly WANT to be a man either. I'm still kind of in that in between stage, I definitely don't feel overtly feminine, but I don't feel masculine either. I know I don't want to be around girls as just "friends", I love hanging with my guy friends. But, I never feel "apart" of my guy friends. I constantly feel inferior, I've never been good at sports or liked them for that matter. It's a struggle...I'm attracted to men sexually...but mostly it's a mechnical attraction...I don't lust at them from day-to-day at all. I don't actively want to have sex with them. I'm just comfortable with the male body, and want to be close with my friends...and I guess this is what constitutes the attraction that gets confused sexually. I struggle with porn addiction...but I find it disgusting...it's just the memory of the "high" is still with me and it's been extremely difficult to dissipate. I don't consider myself gay...but I'm definitely not straight...at least not "yet".

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

Top
#132468 - 08/01/06 02:10 AM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Scott,

it is an interesting thread, because it addresses life from an early age.
If we take abuse, and then see how it affected us then, and how we reacted into a female perspective, then why? Was that.

Because we were going through puberty at the time, and it is deeply confusing to go through that without having the added burden of being abused.

Is it any wonder that you messed with makeup as a totally confused little boy, and it is the mask, the first time you use a mask to disguise masculinity and feel safe in another part of you.

Quote:
I struggle with porn addiction...but I find it disgusting...it's just the memory of the "high" is still with me and it's been extremely difficult to dissipate.
What people fail to appreciate, is that when a boy reaches puberty, and his mind is so messed up, he craves sex, and it is there for life, so he gets branded.

In my country, if you report that you were abused as a kid, you are automatically put on the sex offender register, because they dont know any better.

You wont even know till you apply for certain jobs, and that is discriminatory to say that an abused kid must be an abuser, but that is how it goes.

How wrong could that statement be! But sadly, that is the world today,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#132469 - 08/01/06 02:49 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Possible triggers.

I'm glad this post is getting some replies. It's nice to get other people's viewpoints as I struggle with my confusion. Thinking about the roots of my feelings brought these thoughts up.

After my first molestation, my mom decides to dress me up as a beauty queen for Halloween. I end up winning "Most Beautiful" at the neighborhood program. My mom's a hairdresser (Are these stereotypes true?)

I know that part of me feels sexually undesireable to women because of the abuse. As a tranny at least I feel desireable to someone. Not loved, but at least desired.

Along these lines I think that I may be trying to become the perfect girl, who I can't have so I make her up.

Another part of me hates men. I think it is more like I hate overly masculine energy because I got treated badly for showing feminent qualities.

I have a lot of sexual fantasies about men having sex with me as a girl compared to fantasies of being with women. Those fantasies could be me reliving my abuse.

Perhaps I could live with being a part time transvestite if I could get rid of the shame and have a loving relationship. I've had close relationships with women but never with a man. I have had more sex with men than women though.

This is so confusing but at least I can talk about it rather than keeping these thoughts to myself. I am hoping that opening up to everyone here will help me figure some things out. I know that the decision I make is up to me and no one else but appreciate everyone's feedback.

Sunnt


Top
#132470 - 08/01/06 10:41 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
I am of the opinion that we won't be happy until we accept who we are (what we are born as)...I know that I will never be happy either living a gay lifestyle or becoming a woman...I feel that I would simply be living in my broken wounds instead of healing from them. Granted, this is just my opinion is this of no offense for those who believe otherwise.

It's interesting that you said your mom dressed you up like a girl...recently, one of my former babysitters (when I was like 2 or 3) came up to me at church and said "You have such pretty curly hair...I remember I use to dress you up like a girl, put little dresses on you and take pictures cause I thought you were so pretty!!" I was horrified!!!!! Why would you do that to a little boy? I wonder if that had any subconcious function on me? Anyways, that lady is a real wierdo anyway for lots of different reasons.

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

Top
#132471 - 08/02/06 03:47 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Another memory that has come up is that I remember the the girls I used to play with when I was young, dressing me up as their playmate. I don't recall exactly how old I was but I'm sure I was 10 or younger.

Why did people treat me like a girl? My mom, my friends and my abusers. Yes it could be all coincidence but I'm confused and trying to figure it out.

Sunny


Top
#132472 - 08/06/06 05:21 AM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline


Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Reality wrote:
Quote:
In my country, if you report that you were abused as a kid, you are automatically put on the sex offender register, because they dont know any better.
I don't know what country you are from but I've never heard of that in the US. Are you sure you don't mean that perpetrators are listed on the registry? The new US law would put juveniles over 14 who perpetrate on the national registry but I'd be real surprised if any registry put victims on a public list.

There are internal child abuse registries (open only to employees of child protective services) that would list victims but nothing that would available to the general public.

Can you send me or post some citations on this?

Ken

_________________________
Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.