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#132453 - 07/26/06 03:21 PM Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Hi Everyone,

This is my first post about me. Like most of us here, I have a long story. I am ashamed and scared but to get better, I decided I needed to start somewhere so here it goes.

Has anyone thought about becoming a girl? Or perhaps a full time transvestite? This thought has crossed my mind many times. Part of me thinks I would be better off. I am so confused.

Is it to lessen the shame of being molested by men? Is it just my way of acting out my abuse?

I have crosdressed for years since being molested and carry a lot of shame associated with it. I also feel that I have a strong female persona that I may have been kept hidden all these years by acting excessively masculine. At this point I am not sure and am trying to figure things out. Becoming a female has pros and cons but so does remaining male.

I feel so mixed up and alone.


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#132454 - 07/26/06 04:42 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sunny,

I have not had the feelings you describe, but I sure can identify with the issue of sexual confusion. That one plagued me for years.

In my opinion this is one that really has to be taken up in therapy. I don't see how anything less than professional help could get you through all the minefields involved.

I'm not trying to say you are that screwed up, rather I am saying that ABUSE is that screwed up. It really can rob us of any sense of who we are sexually. We would desperately like to figure it all out, but with all our sexual boundaries destroyed by abuse, where the hell do we start?

The bottom line, though, is clear. You have to be true to yourself first and foremost. If you are straight, gay, tranny, whatever...you have to be you and appreciate and love yourself for who you are.

Brave post, by the way. I'm glad you raised the issue and I hope you understand that here we will just support and understand you, without judgments.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132455 - 07/26/06 06:49 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Larry,

I am back in therapy after stopping for many years. I thought I was past all this but I guess I was just repressing it again using will power. It worked for a long while but I just went through a self destructive phase recently and got myself back to seeing a therapist.

Thanks so much.

Sunny


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#132456 - 07/26/06 07:37 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Sunny,

it is not uncommon to feel this way, but I would warn against changing sex.
It would involve many operations, and psychologists would need to be sure you could handle it.

I can easily relate to the girl thing, and I suppose I suppress it too.
The root goes back to when things happened to me, I felt a strong urge to dress as a girl.

The reasons were simple, I thought that I would not be a target if I dressed like that.
These feelings were entrenched through my teen years, and did get pretty intense.

I am pretty much in touch with my female side, and people like me for that.
It can work to your advantage, because you are probably more reactive to hurt etc.

Just my view,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#132457 - 07/26/06 10:35 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
Heartonfire Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 6
Loc: Montreal Canada
Sunny,

I can relate! I have had many dreams where in I am a woman! I am having sex, glorious sex. I am also ashamed because I realize at some points that I am not a woman but a man-woman!!! Aaaa! Then I am a man who doesn't fit in with other men. I second that feeling of wanting to hide in the woman's world--that way I cannot be demasculinized and raped as a man by other men. That way I can have the safety and comfort and sympathy I associate and have received from identifying myself and seeking refuge in the women's world.
There is so much to discover here for me and I suspect for you. Therapy is one place to make a deep exploration. Your writing here helps me to grow and learn about my own wacky unconscious and I hope it serves you as well.
Sexuality and gender roles have been groslly over controlled and regimented by our society--with great rewards and strict penalties for conforming and being outside norms--I believe. This is eveident in homophobia and the continuation of gender labels and sterotypes.
Whoever you are is unfolding and will become clearer with time. I second not jumping into sex change operation until you are confident and sure this is the right step. Why the shame in cross dressing. I have a blast doing it! Especially around likely open minded foilk. I wish I had the guts to get out like that more often. Maybe something to aim for.
Also, we are all as instrinsically both whole and partitioned beings made up of male and female (labeled) aspects. For a long time I have been running from my powerful and loving masculine identification. If I claimed the loving man in me, wouldn't that make me as cold, harsh, selfish, and as sexually out of control, as my father? I used to think so. Now, I know that in claiming what happened to me and the "negative" qualities my dad taught me, I also inherit the deeper truth, that I --and we all, I believe--are truly loving and powerful beings, I mean more specifically, MEN, uhmmm!
Good luck on your journey of reclaiming more of yourself. I see great courage in your posting and searching, even as you are encountering the fear and confusion along with it.

Big hug,

_________________________
Heart on Fire

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#132458 - 07/26/06 10:50 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
my abuser included a playmate in the abuse eventually. he thought it was funny making us do all sorts of things, like tiny sex slaves of some sort. i was five, maybe six, and i have liked putting on women's clothes every since. i dont do it much. it is something i supress, but i to be honest, i do enjoy it. i like role playing with my wife, playing the female role, and often fantasize of a man making love to me as a female. you know that's the thing with abuse, you never know where the lines are. did the abuse cause it, or would you have liked it anyway? i dont know. i do know that if you set up your life right, it doesnt matter what you like if no one else is hurt. if you find a partner that knows, and you are honest about it all, you can still have a very good life. in the end, that is what i decided mattered.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#132459 - 07/27/06 12:42 AM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I clipped this off another forum that I go to, and it deals with software development.

Quote:
My condolences go out to Joan's family and friends.

Denise, John,

I've always had a sweet spot in my heart for Joan.
I've known her here and on previous forums that
are now closed.

I admired her for her courage and strength.
I liked how she would speak her mind.
I've seen several sides of Joan over the years
and loved them all.

I'm thankful to have had the privilege of knowing her.

Her beautiful mark on this community is indelible.

Joan will be missed but never forgotten.

Let's celebrate the life of Joan. She'd like that.

Respectfully,

Richard
"Joan", was transgendered and faced yet another operation, sadly 'she' died.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#132460 - 07/27/06 02:38 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Thanks to everyone for your feedback.

I am not jumping into a sex change but am trying to reconcile my feelings. I guess part of me would feel less shameful if I was a girl because then it would be OK to have sex with men. I guess part of me also enjoys being used by men. I don't know if it is acting out or it is really inside of me???

If I was 6 feet tall and 200 lbs I might not have these thoughts but I am a petite 5'4" and 120 lbs or less (don't really know right now).

Some time ago I also spent time on the street as a transvestite hooker. I think I was trying to understand myself but I am still ashamed. This feels like a safe place to let it out. I just want to be understood and accepted.

Sunny


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#132461 - 07/28/06 01:53 AM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Sunny, welcome. I can tell you that this is a safe place to come and talk about things. We may not understand totally what you tell us but we will try. You were accepted on here just as soon as you signed up. Once in a while we get someone who betrays that trust, but they are rare.

About wanting to be a girl, I think I wanted to be a girl long before I was raped. From first grade through 5th grade I would hang out with the girls during recess. I think this was due to the boys always wanting to fight me, I refused to fight and so I was not accepted by the boys. I was raped in 1968 at at 11 years old, and the only thing that made any sense to me was that somehow this older boy must have thought that I was a girl. Later I would find out about guys who liked guys, and thought that was why I was raped, a gay guy wanted me, and did not care what I thought about it. This made me very homophobic for a long time. I finally got the balls to buy a book about rape in 1992, and found that almost every thing I thought I knew about rape was false. one thing I found out was that at least 80% of the guys that rape guys are straight, not gay.
In 1995 I met and had a affair with a gay guy, I think he was or had been a transvestite hooker. That's the short version, if you would like to read the long version , if you decide to read it, I would like your input, as the whole affair is still a bit of a mystery to me.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132462 - 07/28/06 02:14 PM Re: Wanting to be a girl?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Hi Clifford,

There were times thst I felt so down on myself, so lonely because of my CSA and crossdressing, that I sought out tranvestite prostitutes. This is what led to me becoming one myself. They got me hooked on drugs and took advantage of me, stealing from me, etc. Yet part of me felt that it was the price I had to pay and that's what I deserve. Many of them, if not all, experienced CSA, though they might not all admit it. Telling them my story didn't make them feel sorry for me. I got taken advantaged of when I was weak. Doesn't this sound like acting out abuse?

I have had more sex with men than women and I was married once. Go figure. Sometimes I think that it is easier for me to attract guys than girls and sometimes I just want someone, anyone.

My T says that when I can let go my shame things will become clearer so that's what we are working on. I am making no permanent decisions at this point. Just trying to clear my head.

Sunny


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