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#132365 - 05/18/06 09:38 AM help please!
abcdefghijklmnop Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 11
Loc: none
I was molested at age 17 almost 18 by a 50+ year old guy who was in the marine core and was a cop in hollywood. I thought he was cool and I went to a hole in the wall bar with a buddy from work and met this guy there. I thought it was cool that i was able to drink with this guy and decided to drink with him again the next day their before going to a friends house. Long story short for much of my regret i ended up at a motel because i thought we were just gonna have some beers, and one this to another this guy was cracking my back and stuff and i was getting nervous and he ended up basically trying to beat me off and i didnt do a thing, i was freaked out and now in life i am questioning why i didnt do anything. I ended up getting off after about 20 min of it or so with a combo of some nude playboy stuff or somethign that was on tv. I cant believe i got off from this. WHen i told a few close friends about this. Including my girlfriend at the time, i was forsook by all of them over time. And rumors started that i was gay. I have had many sexual experiences with women and i love it all. Some were good, some were bad, There was a few times i had trouble getting up and then a got off right away when i was up, but i basically blame that on nervousness and maybe some small form of performance anxiety. I started looking at porn at age 14 or so, kissed a girl for the first time at age 16 or so and fell in love with her, i have only always been turned on by women. Now I am 22 and have been depressed for quite some time. But have really been facing this issue head on for a few months now, i am tired of not feeling totally like a man because of what has happened. I am in a serious relationship with a women right now and i want to marry her. I am paraniod right now that someone i know could read this thread but hopefully that wont happen. I feel i cant tell her what has happened. I was a boys boy, and want to be a mans man. I did all the normal stuff a boy would do. I have had a homosexual thought to the smallest degree or thought a guy was a good lookin guy, think every now and then could i be gay in a hard to explain way, but i know im not. I have never had fantasies or anything like that about gay stuff. Other than another issue that is not relavent to this disscussion, i feel like this is basically the only hinderance to getting married. My dad and mom have had no sex life for the past 15+ years and he is asexual i guess. I love her so much but try to stay sexually pure for marriage, altough we have messed up alot and it is very good what we have done, altough I get off too fast. I am worried that i wont be able to perfrom on wedding night even though i know i will, its crazy man. Keep in mind what has happened to me has messed with my head, and i have to be getting to bed for work tomorrow. Please someone give me some feed back, feel free to ask questions. For me the thought of being gay i dont like and i just hate an occasional wierd thought that i might have that is homosexual in nature. I think i could qualify for a small degree of sexual confusion disorder. Also possibly obssesive compulsive homosexual disorder.

#132366 - 05/18/06 05:41 PM Re: help please!
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Slow down. You are 22 and confused about sexual feelings and experiences. Take some time to sort things out. Getting married right now when there is so much static going on in your head is not a good idea.

You said: "I think i could qualify for a small degree of sexual confusion disorder. Also possibly obssesive compulsive homosexual disorder." There are no diagnoses like these. However, a professional who is experienced in working with sexual abuse and/or sexual issues can help you and that would be my recommendation.

Contact a community mental health organization in your area or if there is a therapist listed in the resource directory here, contact that person. Your confusion is understandable and can be addressed by a competent professional. What's the difference whether you get married at 22 or 24 or 26?

Getting the confusion sorted out will give you a clearer idea of what you need for yourself. Take care of that first.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#132367 - 05/19/06 03:00 AM Re: help please!
abcdefghijklmnop Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 11
Loc: none
yeah i agree

#132368 - 05/19/06 04:57 PM Re: help please!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

All these feelings of doubt and uncertainty are pretty normal for a young man anyway, and your case you are adding a lot of anxiety about the abuse you suffered and fears about homosexuality and sexual prowess in bed.

I think Ken hits it spot on: It's a lot better to deal with these issues before you marry. If you and your girlfriend are close enough for marriage, then you are close enough to wait a bit until you have dealt with this confusion.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132369 - 05/22/06 08:52 AM Re: help please!
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

Good advice you are getting here. Taking time to deal with your confusion and having a solid base for your future will be time will spent. find some help and take some of the pressure off yourself. You are still young and there is no need to rush into anything.

Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#132370 - 05/23/06 01:24 AM Re: help please!
cavcoach Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/07/06
Posts: 2
I am 31 and engaged to my high school sweetheart. We ahve pushed our ceromony back twice now, largely due to my inability to deal with my abuse head on. I struggled (and do everyday) with acting out and some of the same sex fantasies that I was having..Even now I am working to accept myself and build up my own sense of self worth to the point where I am truly ready fr the responsibility of a family and (gasp) kids.Take your time..don't rush in and try to build the house without laying the foundation.If you know you have the person for you right now and she feels the same...imagine how much stronger those feelings will be when the two of you have worked through these issues together and she gets a chance to see the real,true, great person you are! That's the light at the end of the tunnel for me my friend. Good luck

#132371 - 06/01/06 12:23 AM Re: help please!
abcdefghijklmnop Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 11
Loc: none
thank you everyone

#132372 - 06/01/06 12:27 AM Re: help please!
abcdefghijklmnop Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 11
Loc: none
thanks for taking the time to write back. i am taking the right steps, partly because of what this site has done for me. and i have only visited it four times!


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