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#132329 - 03/22/06 02:09 AM How Can I Become More Sexually Agressive?
Redsongbird Offline

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
I don't mean in a bad way either. I mean with my wife. Since I was attacked (raped at gunpoint four years ago - five this october) I have become the one who does not start sex. I love my wife. I enjoy being with her. I like having sex with her. She is 31 and I am 44....but before the attack things were fine. This came up as a topic last evening.....after a time together. I am healthy no problem there. I just need to figure this out. I want to be the one who sets things up for an evening of being together. I know the thing about am I feeling guilty because of what happened? It was not my fault....etc etc etc just my wife is a very sexual woman and I want to enjoy this time in our lives. I am sick and tired of this coming up and hitting me in the face again....any comments? any suggestions? I am not sure I am getting this across. I mean there are times when we are together that it does remind me of what could it not? But I also know that it is my wife I am with...and not those men who did this to me. I mean I realize the difference. (big long sigh)
Again....anyone have any comments? I would appreciate it.


#132330 - 03/22/06 03:02 AM Re: How Can I Become More Sexually Agressive?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I think you are pursuing this from a healthy viewpoint; you are willing to look at all the different possibilities and see things as they are.

But this IS a rough one. When you are having sex with your wife it would be natural if you were to be reminded of what happened to you four years ago. A lot of questions may be lurking. Do you wonder if what was done to you makes you less of a man, for example? Do you fear comparisons between you and the men who attacked you (both being the "active" ones in the acts)? And so on. When you get "hit in the face", what exactly are you feeling?

Those feelings you can use in a positive way. Reject the bad conclusions they suggest about yourself; just use them as signals indicating problems you need to think about. If this had happened to me I would want to be working with a therapist. Have you thought about this?

Above all, keep your wife in the picture about what you are feeling and let her support you. If this turns into a secret inner struggle it will just get worse I think.

Just some ideas.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132331 - 03/22/06 04:14 AM Re: How Can I Become More Sexually Agressive?
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
This is an excellent topic guys. Thanks for sharing your keen perspectives. I have been thinking about it for a long time lately. Before I was able to validate my own particular sexual orientation, I would never have thought of cultivating the 'art' and 'science' of allure, because of all of the moral and religious taboos against anything not married and heterosexual. The fires of hell await anyone who dares be sexual outside of approved straight marriage, and even still there are strong subliminal rules within the parameters of sanctioned sexual relations.

Before I got past the guilt and shame of the past and embraced my need to be sexual with men (which I still have yet to do in practice) I would just use fantasy, which, when you think about it, is pretty ez.....I mean, there is no fear of rejection there. I have total control. Needless to say, because of my history and fear of 'hands on 'relationships, I have a lot to learn about the negotiations and compromises inherent in sexual relationship exchanges.

I have thought about challenging myself to participate in Body Electric Workshops and things like that, but I keep finding some excuse to not take the steps necessary to actually engage in it. I think I need the guidance of a therapist for this one.

One thing I do know, that sexual relations between people are truly one of the most natural acts that we engage in, but all of the internalized taboos which structure the limits of our sexual relationship potential keep me tethered to the flawed notion that 'some things are just not done!' Says who? Anything between consenting people is negotiable; however when tapes in the background are playing>
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#132332 - 03/22/06 07:29 AM Re: How Can I Become More Sexually Agressive?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
It is likely/possible/probable that the attack traumatized you. It was of a sexual nature and that can contaminate normal sexual interests and responses. Another area (perhaps the biggest) is the loss of control. When we are sexual with another, even if we are the "aggressor", there can be a feeling of loss of control as the intensity increases. That can raise anxieties and/or intrusive thoughts.

Good to explore with a therapist, especially one who has experience with EMDR. Trauma, particularly sexual trauma, seems to respond well to this intervention.

I'll pass this on to Dr. Ralph to see if he has any thoughts about it.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#132333 - 03/24/06 09:26 PM Re: How Can I Become More Sexually Agressive?
Redsongbird Offline

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
I know the thoughts of comparing myself to "them" and doing similiar things does make me feel bad at times.....and the loss of control is also something that comes to my mind too. This does not happen all the time..or each time we are together....but then all of a sudden it will appear. I have had feelings of being "used" to. Now I know my wife doea not even think of it in that term but thats what comes to my mind ...sometimes....even though I enjoy it with her and agree to our time together. I would of thought this turmoil would of cmae up recently after the assualt. But the I have been reading and noticed that it can be years later that issues come to the surface. Plus we have and some problems with these same group of men doing some stalking with us.....fornately right now it seems to be in a lull as far as that is concerned...since October 15, 2001 there has never been more then three months that something has not happend...with their stalking. But I know we are determined to try to live a normal life as possible....and I want to have a sex life that is not hampered by this. I checked into the EMDR therapy...I don't quite understand it...eyemovement? I will look into it further. Any other comments or suggestions I also take to heart too.


#132334 - 04/11/06 04:10 AM Re: How Can I Become More Sexually Agressive?
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida

I just wanted to echo everything that all of the others have said to you in hopes that, hearing it many times, it may eventually come to rest in your heart.

THere is a HUGE difference between when women as opposed to men are raped. Both are traumatic and violent acts that have devasatating results. However, when a man is attacked, there is the added blow to his sense of masculinity as well as crushing his beliefs as to sexual identity and sexual preference.

I know that it's easy to understand these things on an intellectual level - we've heard it over and over: rape is an act of dominance and violence - it has little to do with sex. But, having that understanding internalized is a whole other ball game.

You ARE doing the right thing by coming here and talking it out. The more that we see that there are hundreds of other men who are struggling with the same pain, the same doubts, and the same fears, the more we realize that we aren't some sort of freaks or "damaged goods".

A good therapist can help immensely. It needs to be someone who you feel comfortable talking with. My rule of thumb has been that if I don't see significant progress with a therapist in the span of a year or so, it is time for me to move on.

Also, if you can find a face-to-face support group (if you can handle that), it can even be a more powerful part of your recovery. I have always said that there is a sense of victory and personal power that I felt the first time that I walked into a room with 7 other men who were survivors. I had to take a chance because we knew each others' names, spoke face-to-face, and had to face many personal fears. But the benefits are worth more than any treasure on earth.

From this group, I have developed a friendship with another survivor with whom I can talk about anything. I have shared the most embarrassing, shame-filled, and dark pieces of my childhood that no one else has ever heard -not even my wife. And, I know that he will understand because he's walked in the same shoes in many ways.

If I can just add one little tidbit of wisdom, it would be to take it slowly and be gentle with yourself. Too often we beat ourselves up trying to force those behaviors that we think we SHOULD be doing. And when fear overpowers us, we start to criticize ourselves. This whole thing is a process which takes time.

I know that it's frustrating that, because of a simple twist of fate, our lives have been forever changed. I don't know about you, but I get angry that I was cheated out of a childhood that I will never be able to recapture and I have to work 100 times harder than anyone else to develop simple things such as trust in another human being.

Just keep on coming back here.... keep writing and sharing. AND, make sure that you pay attention to those times when someone shares a personal victory - those are oh, so precious and they can go a long way to inspire us to keep forging ahead.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

#132335 - 05/12/06 03:32 AM Re: How Can I Become More Sexually Agressive?
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

Thanks for starting this topic. And thanks for all the insight being shared here. It is an issue I am struggling with myself. No solutions yet, but when I find them I will let you know.

Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel


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