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#132319 - 03/09/06 03:50 AM Not Sure Anymore
alan_w Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/22/06
Posts: 10
Loc: kentucky
Yesterday I went to my T, first visit actually. I know I have issues with intimacy, both with my wife and with people in general. About the only people I can hug are my kids.

For the past several years my wife and I have had separate rooms. I told her I was gay and didn't think we should sleep together. Now we like our peace, and separate parts of the house. But lately I've been dealing with my abuse, and things are starting to change. I'm starting to think that I might have used the gay-card as an excuse to not be intimate with my wife. We've been physically apart from each other for so long that both of us are fearful of changes in me that might reignite some sexual interest. As I write this I don't find it appealing at all . . . but don't know what will be different in the future as I progress thru therapy. Initially, I just wanted to stop acting out with porn and others.

Scary stuff to me. Today I don't even feel gay, I feel nothing.

#132320 - 03/09/06 04:52 AM Re: Not Sure Anymore
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

The truth of the matter is that our sexuality is incredibly complicated; only narrow-minded advocates really think of it as an alternative between straight and gay. And in any case, there's nothing wrong with being gay. If that is who you are, okay. It is what it is.

But you know, Alan, so many guys get so messed up by their abuse issues that, trained to see "gayness" as some great boogeyman, they wonder if their agony over abuse means they are gay. They wonder, okay, did I really "like" it? I must be gay. Why didn't I put up more resistance. I'm gay. Why didn't I tell. I'm gay.

The problem with this is that being gay, or whatever our sexuality is, is a PART of who we are. It's in our heart and soul. We don't CHOOSE it. We simply ARE.

Abuse, on the other hand, is a terrible crime committed against us by someone else. It's a huge mistake to imagine that because same-sex sexual acts are often involved, abuse has some connection with being gay. Abuse is about power: a sick need to reduce a child to such powerlessness as to demand from him the last thing he wants to give - sex.

I know how you feel what you say you feel nothing sexually. I'm happy to stand up and say me too. I wish to God it were different. I feel robbed, and I have been robbed. So has my wife. But I am trying to fight back, and I hope you will as well.

I hope you have a T to help you through this. If ever there was an issue where we need professional help to get us through the minefields unscathed, this is it.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132321 - 03/11/06 11:31 PM Re: Not Sure Anymore
chuck Offline

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Larry described it pretty well, because I know I was confused for a long time. Sexual abuse does create issues with discovering who we are. I realize that I had whole section walled off in my life that I couldn't get to without therapy. Once the wall was removed or started to be removed there were more questions than answers for me. Probably I had more because my primary abuser was my father, who later in my life I began to dislike. It took me 3 years of recent therapy to accept myself as gay without feeling guilty about being gay. I am starting to realize that I never wanted to be abused and did not cause the abuse by my father. I am starting to feel good about being gay and that it is me.
Keep working with your T and be patient with yourself. Like Larry writes, "We don't choose it. We simply ARE."

#132322 - 04/25/06 06:17 PM Re: Not Sure Anymore
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Keep healing alan, glad you are in therapy!


give yourself one too sounds like you need it


Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#132323 - 04/25/06 06:25 PM Re: Not Sure Anymore
Nobbynobs Offline

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Originally posted by roadrunner:
Abuse is about power: a sick need to reduce a child to such powerlessness as to demand from him the last thing he wants to give - sex.
Larry, I have never heard this put so well. This is a great quote.

When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks


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