i would like to share with you my experience
I was abused during 7 years by my brother... when my family learnt what was going on i was 14 and denial was the response, (it became something that did not happened,a tabu) i am from Spain and i guess that the information available at the time and cultural patterns played an important role in the denial of the abuse. I wanted to be loved and not rejected, so i forced myself to be what i perceived was the right thing to become accepted or to be part of a group, of society, i donītnow!! ... i started to have sex with girls, with any girl i could and at the same time i masturbated in a compulsive way thinking of men...I had several girlfriends and i think i even was in love with some of them, i do not know... 4 years ago i met a wonderful girl, i fell completly in love with her and i really started to enjoy a healthy relationship, i thought i had found my sexuality, yes! i loved her! so at last i knew my sexuality, heterosexual!!!... that lasted 3 years... i still was having desire of having sex with men..sex,sex,sex!! it became an obsession, and i always punished myself for it... how could i be happy with her if my homosexual tendencies were hunting me all the time? how could we started a family and follow our dreams if i did not know my sexuality? maybe i was just bisexual and every now and then i could have sex with men while carrying a life with my girlfriend?. I was also scared of relating with men, the only way i understood intimacy with a men was through sex, through sex in which i was a toy without voice, in which i was an object.
I started seeing a therapist 2 years ago, i broke with my girlfriend one year ago...i took the decision to follow that demon that was bothering me and to see whatever he wanted to show me... i just wanted to have sex with men, as much as i could, fortunately i was into therapy and that was like an emotional nest. After few months, one day i found myself having sex with two men i did not know and taking drugs...and suddenly i understood that what i wanted was not sex but love!!! what a discovery!!! so sex is not the same as love, so intimacy with a man is not about sex!!! it is not about feeling threated or playing games of seduction or trying to be the best so to feel protected and respected!!!....I still masturbate in a compulsive way and i have "came out" to my family and friends...my family does not accept it, but my friends are truly friends and they have been very supportive. i donīt feel like i have came out really, i just feel that i am putting in order my sexual and emotional life, now i am having a relationship with a good man, a good person...but i still have lots of issues in intimacy , during the first 5 months of our relationship i could not even make a joke, i felt tense and scared, i was projecting on him all my fears (he was my brother, he was"a man" and that was something forbidden in the type of society i grew in, i was vulnerable and he could hurt me, etc) ...but another surprise!!! vulnerability is not weakness!! and as long as i am myself everything is alright. It is true that is very difficult to break with patterns, specially sexual patterns, it may take all your life, but one is never alone, life brings opportunities to face fears and to overcome them, (that at least is my believe). I still donīt know my sexuality but it is not important anymore because now i accept i am a sexual being (i tried always to deny that part of myself), when i feel stressed i look for sex, i masturbate a lot and still i feel i am tense having non sexual and sexual intimacy with men, however
I feel i am on the right track.