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#132243 - 12/23/05 04:28 AM confusion
bec Offline

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

i have not been here in a while. i don't feel comfy entering this. i am using a public pc and there is much foot traffic near me. i fear someone looking over my shoulder and reading this.

well, i am in therapy and my sexuality has been raised by my dr. i was emotionally incested by my mother for many years and abandoned by my father.

i have never had a successful intimate relationship. (yes, i am a 43 yr old virgin.) intimacy scares me greatly.

i dont know where i am going with this. please bear with me.

so, lately i have begun to wonder about my sexual identity. i think i am straight.i am not sure i can handle coming to believe that i am not.

i deal with too much sexual shame now. to be gay would possibly just be too much for me to handle.

what a sad statement. in a perfect world we each would accept who we are regardless of what society tells us is right or wrong.

so, i am afraid men. i wanna be straight. i just dont know. ok. that is all. thanks for reading this. sincerely,


#132244 - 12/23/05 06:20 AM Re: confusion
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I know this is easy for someone else to say, but I hope you will work with your T honestly and see where this leads you. You have to be true to who you are, not to the arbitrary labels and prejudice of society.

I wonder how many totally "straight" men there are in the world anyway. Quite apart from the many (including myself) who have had at least some sort of consensual same-sex experience at some point in their life, how many more have been or are curious or tempted? Many more than are willing to fess up!

Your anxieties are surely shared by many guys and it takes a lot of courage to lay it on the line as you have done. Sharing sexual intimacy with someone you care about is a wonderful and fulfilling experience, and I wish you all the best as you move toward the day you will discover this for yourself.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132245 - 12/25/05 12:49 AM Re: confusion
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
You're not alone Bec, I've had 2 girlfriends in 20 years, and both relationships lasted about a month.

I've been asking some girls out, but they're always spoken for, story of my life.

Anyway, I'm replying to this mosltly because I want you to know that growing up sexually confused was 100% me. Actually, I only thought of boys/men sexually when I was growing up. But the first time I was intimite with a girl, that just got me more confused. I love the touch and smell and feel of a woman, but when I look for anything sexually stimulating, it's not a woman, wierd huh?

#132246 - 12/27/05 12:40 AM Re: confusion
chuck Offline

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Be easy on yourself because sexual abuse does make some us more confused than others in regards to our sexual orientation. I worked on this issue for many years before I was comfortable and could accept who I am. Continue to discuss this issue with your T and it is not something you necesarilly need to rush. When you are ready you will know. It is different for each of us. However I want to praise you for working on this issue.

#132247 - 12/27/05 12:59 AM Re: confusion
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bec and Hauser,

I just want to drop in again for a second go based on something you said Hauser:

I love the touch and smell and feel of a woman, but when I look for anything sexually stimulating, it's not a woman, wierd huh?
I would like to suggest that it isn't wierd at all. It's an indication of how disoriented a boy can become when he is abused. That confusion doesn't just go away when he turns 18 or 21 or whatever stupid age the authorities say makes us adults these days. It continues and bubbles under the surface through adulthood.

There is NOTHING wrong with you guys! It is what was done to you that is screwed up. Let the blame fall where it belongs: with the abusers. This isn't a peripheral issue; it's central. How can we relate to others sexually, in an area that is difficult and sensitive anyway, if we think we are freaks in exactly that respect?

The fact that you are sorting out and dealing with the harm done to you means you are taking courageous steps. Nothing about this process makes you wierd.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132248 - 01/01/06 03:50 AM Re: confusion
lobenos Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/31/05
Posts: 2
Loc: UK/ Spain
There is one important thing, easy to say and difficult to do, it is being genle with yourself. Freedom is hidden inside of each of us. The issue is not only when around us there are standars that do not resonate with who we are or with our search, the issue is mainly that we integrate those standars and we forbid ourselves to be or to do what we want or like. That is a mayor step that is scary and it feels like dying... but it is also true freedom to love who you are....and to be loved for who you truly are, even if is a only a question mark. I send you all my best wishes

#132249 - 02/04/06 07:10 PM Re: confusion
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida

I think that from the responses that you've received, you can probably see that you are not alone. First of all, from a comfort level if you have to use a computer in a public place, open a second program such as MS Word. If someone gets too close to the computer, press ALT-TAB and you will immediately switch screens to the other program.... that way you don't feel like you're being scrutinized.

Now to the matter at hand.... I think it all sums up when I tell you that I recently saw a poll on the internet (granted, an informal poll, but a good sampling of more than 1,000 respondents)- it was an anonymous survey, so men were able to rate their responses freely. It blew me away that the majority of men (even those who consider themselves "straight"):

* fantasize more about other guys than women
* if given the opportunity without fear of discovery or negative repercussions would allow a best male friend to interact sexually
* find that they are aroused more by photos of males than females

Now, it wasn't an overwhelming majority, but MORE than 50%. Doesn't that speak volumes about the labels that we place on people???? I think that there are very FEW people who are at either end of the spectrum (i.e., 100% gay or 100% straight). Admit it or not, I think MOST people fall in the middle or somewhere in-between.

BUT, that doesn't help us with SA. From the "clinical" stuff that I've read, we are stuck at a psychosexual age whenever we were abused. That probably is just before or during adolescence when a child starts to define him/herself as a sexual being. Now, throw into the mix that we are now physically adults and dealing with the pressures of society to "conform", it makes for a very painful existence.

Yes, in a perfect world, everyone is accepting of everyone else. It's weird that I have a personal problem with the terminology that they tend to use on the news, especially when dealing with racial prejudice - many choose to use the word "tolerance" and I disagree so much with that. Tolerance brings with it the idea that you still don't like someone or something, but you simply tolerate it because it's there. Hmmmm, is that what we're supposed to do as human beings especially if we profess to be of Christian faith? Isn't the more appropriate word "understand and accept"? That doesn't mean that we may agree with someone else's ideals, but at least we understand as best we are able and accept that person as a fellow human being who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

So, please don't try to judge yourself against the standards of society - those standards are totally ****ed up (sorry, but that's the only appropriate term). You are a unique individual who is attracted to women and who may find attractions, fleeting thoughts, etc from time to time at the other end of the spectrum. It's OK. That's who you are.

Now, there's a point where we have to decide who we are more emotionally and psychologically attracted to - this really makes the sexual part of it very small. Psychologists today are saying that when someone wishes to carry an ongoing and maybe even lifelong relationship and everything that carries with it with one gender, that makes that person defined as basically "straight" or "gay".

But I think that the more important thing is not the label.... you need to follow what is in your heart and try not to be swayed by public opinion. You need to not be afraid of discovering whatever defines you at the core of your being.

Easier said than done - the SA issues cloud the whole process. I think it's more important to take your time and be gentle with yourself as the others have said. You are who you are and don't let anyone push you into a box. We, in the Western culture, like to assign labels to everything so that it fits into a nice, orderly scheme. Well, the world isn't that way and we would be best to learn from our brothers and sisters in the Eastern cultures. They celebrate the rich diversity that is with each individual human being.

The world is NOT ideal, so we have to learn to live a happy existence without being labeled.

Now, if I could only learn to live by my own words...... does that say something to you also? I think that many of us know the answers and it's easy to say what we feel deep inside to someone else, but yet when it comes to ourselves, the "doctor can't heal thyself."

Just remember that there are many others who are just as confused as you (yours truly included). We need to take our time to be able to sort thru the confusion and eventually (hopefully) end up just where we are supposed to be. Then, maybe we can lead a peaceful existence (I don't even like the word "happy" because that is a constructed idea - is anyone ever truly "happy" all the time?

I hope this helps.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

#132250 - 02/14/06 08:30 PM Re: confusion
george of kent Offline

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
I appreciate this thread very much. While, as a "gay" man, I find the concept of bisexuality to be confusing. Yet, at the same time, I was married to a woman for almost 20 years and fathered 3 more or less well adjusted children (well, 2 out of 3 anyway). The concept of Kinsey's famous scale seems more and more valid to me every day, and the inherent inutility of "labels" is obvious to me.
What does this mean for you today, bec?
Maybe not too much. Confusion on this issue can be frightening and frustrating, especially to a CSA survivor. But, I would offer only two suggestions.
1) As lobenos said above, be gentle with yourself (and patient), and
2) remember that you are a SURVIVOR! You'll get through this challenge too in good shape eventually.
Love, etc.,

"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents


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