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#132236 - 12/01/05 09:44 AM Acting Out
pontifixmax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/27/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Ottawa Canada
Hi there. I'm a relatively new member who posted here recently. I'm writing again because I've have concerns for sometime now about my lifestyle as well as my sexuality and I can't keep them bottled inside any longer. Putting them out here helps so I hope no one minds that I do so. I should warn people to be aware of possible triggers however.

First of all I'm taking pills + drinking alot. This isn't new for me. I've had problems with substance abuse since I was 13 but I managed to keep a handle on it for a long time and even sought conselling for it a few years ago, which actually helped alot. It scares me more now than ever, however, because I'm in a new city without familiar supports. I also have a lot more to lose now, namely my health, my relationship, the quality of my studies at university and my energy for the work I do. I'm throwing up almost every morning (whether I'm hung over or not), my girlfriend is getting frustrated with my drinking and I'm worried about my grades slipping as well as burning out at work since its a high stress job (I work in a homeless shelter.) Externally I'm juggling a lot of things but the internal stuff is getting to me too. I'm coming to terms with my own abuse issues plus I'm dealing with my girlfriend's at the same time. She has been having a hard time lately, struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting and a change in medication, as well as the loss of her long time S.A. therapist when she moved here with me to go to school. I don't know what to do to help her let alone myself. Obviously this is very frustrating for me. Concerning sexuality I don't know how to broach the subject of my bisexuality with her. For years before we met I had occasional encounters with men, which I'm not sure is a result of my upbringing, the abuse I encountered, or both. You see my mother came out as a lesbian when I was 12, which resulted in a lot of family conflict between her and my father, who is very homophobic. Even before the age of 12 I didn't make a great distinction between who I was attracted to or whom I had a crush on i.e. girls or boys. I don't know if my mom's coming out predisposed me to being bi or if I'm just that way naturally but its hard to for me figure out since my first adolescent experiences with the same sex was abusive nature, involving someone much older who took advantage of me while I was homeless and under the influence. Anyways today I desire an encounter with men now and then but I don't know how to reconcile this with my gf. She knows about my history and is accepting of me nonetheless but I'm positive that she wants a strictly monogamous relationship, which I'm not sure I can continue to live with given my bisexual tendencies. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I wish I could make her understand that this isn't about what she can't give me, if that makes any sense. Anyways if anyone has any insights for me I welcome your response J.S.

#132237 - 12/01/05 07:46 PM Re: Acting Out
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Where to begin? You sure have a load on your plate. At least you know that the drug and drinking route is not productive. It helps you temporarily cope but doesn't address the underlying issues fueling the need to numb out.

Seems to me that you have to get back into therapy and prioritize the issues you need to work on. Issues around bi-sexuality have been there for a long time and may not be the highest priority unless acting out will threaten/end your relationship with perhaps your best support person. If she wants a monogamous relationship, you need to weigh the short-term excitement of acting out versus the loss of a good relationship.

Seems to me you need to find a good therapist who can help you sort out this mess.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#132238 - 12/02/05 01:47 AM Re: Acting Out
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

You said it all:

I also have a lot more to lose now.
Relationship, job, education, friends, the lot. If you are throwing up every morning that's especially bad.

I don't mean to be horrible, but you need to decide whether you are going to have your life or whether these problems are going to destroy it. Being bi doesn't look to be the real problem here. The grave danger is that your coping mechanisms are ruling you and hijacking everything else. I know because I have been there - it's not worth it bro.

Both you and your lady need to be in therapy and keep to it. Therapy doesn't mean you are a loser or weak, any more than going into hospital means you are weak. All it means is that you need help, and believe me, accepting that fact and acting on it isn't weakness - it takes a lot of courage.

I hope you will both take the situation seriously - it really is important.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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