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#132213 - 12/28/05 05:25 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Tim Strait Offline

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Madison, WI
Hello Alex--

Like so many have said, please know that you are not alone. Sounds like your perpetrator was a skilled manipulator. I would like to offer some advice; I am a survivor and a psychotherapist, but this is not meant to "electronic therapy" in any way.

Find and read the book "Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response" by John Preble and Nicholas Groth (2002:Sidran Press) It is a relatively easy book to read and it has good, solid information which is presented well and educates us as Survivors. Some of the vignettes from Survivors do stir up some intense feelings, however.

Second, find a good male therapist who you can connect with. Your background as it is presented in your posting suggests to me that cognitive-behavioral therapy might be a good match for you--it usually is for most men--but make sure you ask a potential therapist about that. A skilled clinician will help you really learn why you have these urges and he will teach you that you CAN control your thoughts and your behaviors in a way that makes sense to you. Once you know what your tiggers are--you know three of them already according to your posting--smells, tastes, and feelings--you can pick and choose from a toolbox of cognitive-behavioral interventions your therapist teaches you. The really great thing is that you can get a lot of bang for the buck from cognitive-behavioral interventions because they can be used in many different situations.

I hope this helps you in some way. I can empathize with you and I can tell you that many other men in your situation have been able to meet their goals of avoiding quick hookups and out of sex shops and backrooms. And--always remember to celebrate your successes on this journey--even the small ones--at the time of your posting you were able to stay away from cruising activity for 4 weeks!

#132214 - 02/02/06 11:25 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Hello all,

I have been away from the site for a very long time. 3 hurricanes and a change of jobs has been keeping me busy.

It's so odd that I tend to keep coming back when I'm in trouble and confused. But, I think that's a common occurrence.

For those of you who don't know me, I was SA when I was 8 years old the first time and then a couple of times subsequent to that. I am married for 24 years, but have always felt in the back of my mind that I am gay.

I couldn't believe how many of you have the confusion arise during times of stress. I have had 4 back operations and when I get in a serious pain cycle, this seems to trigger everything. OR, there will be other triggers - the latest being the release of Breakback Mountain.

I haven't seen the movie as of yet and doubting that I will. From the plot reviews, it seems like it would be all too painful for me. when I get into these states of confusion, I end up super-horny and feel like I have the "antennae" up and ready. However, I have never been unfaithful and keep my activities to fantasizing and BO.

But, even that makes me feel guilty. I feel that my wife deserves better. It makes me feel less of a "man" whatever that means. But the difference for me is that it's not really the actual sex that I desire - I start thinking about what I really want.... I miss the bond that only comes from that type of relationship.

Sometimes I feel that I would be perfectly happy if I had a male friend who was not afraid to express his affection for me. Now, whether or not that would lead to actual sex is another question.

Anyway, the guilt only brings about more confusion which brings about more guilt. It's a horrible cycle. Sometimes I feel like getting a divorce and leading the life of a hermit - that way I won't screw up anyone's life but my own.

And the tragic thing is about all of this is that this forum is one of the very FEW available to us men. I feel that most men live lives of quiet desperation. Then I become even more confused searching the Internet to find surveys that say that over 70% of men (whether gay or straight) say that if the opportunity arose for MB with another guy and the assurance that it would hurt no one, that they would consider and/or do it. so where does that leave us?

Are we as a culture really messed up? And does the SA and the feelings with it only amplify what a lot of men feel anyway?

Is it time for me to crawl under a rock? And then, I'm pushing 50 and think that I'm also going thru a midlife crisis. I feel very unattractive because of thinning hair, scars from kidney surgery, back surgery, etc. I really don't believe when female co-workers tell me that I'm handsome - not the "model" kind of handsome, but good-looking enough, but then my personality takes it over the top.

As a joke, one day I wore a tuxedo to work. ONe of the female security guards to me that if I weren't married that she would be after me in a flash. I didn't believe it.

does anyone feel like this?

Thanks in advance,


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

#132215 - 02/03/06 01:21 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sophie's Dad,

First of all, welcome back! \:\) It's so good to see you posting again. I know you had a hard time with the hurricanes and other issues, and I hope things are looking up.

I think both men and women get a raw deal from the constant bombardment of the media about what men and women "should" do or be like. There are these ideals that we are forced to confront all the time, and the bitter truth is that no one can possibly attain perfection. So we are left, as you say, in "quiet desperation".

My daughter recently put it her response to this nonsense to me in this way: "I don't want to be perfect or even normal - I just want to be happy." I think that's the way to go.

So yes, I would answer your question and say absolutely - as survivors we feel exaggerated forms of feelings that many other guys also have. But what helps me, bro, is to say this. Feelings don't define me unless I allow them to. For example, you feel "very unattractive because of thinning hair, scars from kidney surgery, back surgery, etc." Can you take those feelings and limit them to signals of areas you need to work on? Why are you sensitive about these features in particular? What can you do to overcome these feelings? I guess what I am getting at is this: if you FEEL unattractive, that doesn't mean you ARE unattractive. In fact, as you yourself say, there is lot's of evidence to the contrary!

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132216 - 02/13/06 03:38 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
1234 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/06
Posts: 2
Reading these entries truly brings tears to my eyes because I am dealing with it everyday. I am the wife of a male survivor (and a survivor myself). My husband just recently told me that he had three extra martial affairs with men over the last eight years of our marriage (we have been married for 13. (This inforamtion was disclosed to me after I found his personal ad with pictures on a gay website). He and I had been previously discussing his "curiousity" to men and if it related to his abuse (but at the time I did not know about the affairs). We have been in therapy for several months and we both desire to create a relationship that isn't dominated by our past abuse. I have yet to deal with the betrayal of the affairs because I have such an intense fear that his "sexual confusion" will lead to him telling me that he's gay. I'm not sure what to do next...every book, website, and therapist has said to be patient. But as I sit in therapy and read these books and talk to my husband about the issues I wonder....Is it all in vain? Will he tell me he's gay in a month? a year? 10 Years? Then where will I be emotionally????

#132217 - 02/13/06 05:38 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida

I know that it's hard to deal with this... I've been married 22 years and I get to the point that I really wonder if I should have married at all. Then the guilt sets in. I have always been faithful because I just can't bring myself to do anything outside the marriage. I have always understood if someone had a "slip" but wondered why would people stay married if they are having long-standing affairs.

I can say from the point of view of a male survivor, it's frighteningly frustrating. I don't have any fear of being either considered straight or gay. I just want to be true to myself. It is just a kick in the face when you live your life in constant flux and wonder.

I'm not minimizing your feelings at all and I hope you realize this - I'm just trying to let you know that it's just as confusing and frightening on the part of your husband.

If you have a good T, you will be able to work thru these things together. The most important thing is to try and not fear the outcome. Isn't it better to find out who and what you are and build a life where each of you (or both still together) is living a fulfilling life? I find that infinitely more desirable than living a lie for an entire lifetime of frustration.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

#132218 - 02/14/06 03:45 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
george of kent Offline

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Your candor in this thread is truly awesome and bodes well for the outcome of your journeys.
Just one word of caution for Alex from a recovering drunk: As you recognize in your first posting here, alcohol seems to play much too large a part in the way you have been coping with this frightening and confusing issue. Besides "escaping" - but only for a short while - from the problem at hand, booze overindulgence can really fuck up your life in all the other areas where you have been functioning well.
If this becomes a problem for you, consider checking out AA. I have no doubt that Twelve stepping saved my life.
Love, etc.,

"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

#132219 - 02/15/06 09:18 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Roderick Offline

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 22
Loc: California

Keep the faith, all of you.

Edited by Roderick (10/30/12 04:36 PM)


#132220 - 02/21/06 06:45 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Steve B Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/21/06
Posts: 5
Loc: NH
WOW.. I am absolutely amazed that there are guys out there struggling with the same issues I am.

I am not alone! I am not alone!

Thank you for having this forum.

I am married, 8 years.. 2 kids.
Survivor of same sex abuse from age 4-19..
Many Many Many (26) perps..

I have lots of confusion.. I have spent years in therapy going through times when I feel healed and times where I feel back at square one.

I lived a gay lifestyle before my marriage.. fell in love with my wife.. got married.. had kids.. but I still struggle with the feelings.. the desires..

I am in shock that there are others out there that share the same feelings..

#132221 - 02/26/06 07:49 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sonny upside down Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: southern california
Hi all,
I am returning here after a few years away. I am in therapy again to deal with my feelings arising from the death of my ex-wife. I thought. More and more the issue comes back to my "gayness" or bisexuality. My current wife knows this and is desperate that I will cheat with a man. I will not. I love my family.
this new reason for my return is that I saw americas most wanted tonight and it had an episode where a grown man realized his past abuse and I was thrown fro a loop( where I remain) They went into great detail describing the abuse and I was devastated and lost and yung and scared and aroused and nauseous all at once. WOW. I am trashed. I remembered this sight from dealing with the sexual abuse by my Mother. I was also abused by an older(5 years) nephew of mine that went on for 6 years. I am so confused . i read this entire thread and decided to post.the triggers thing is so important to me.Smells like dirty underwear set me off. Is thisthe general idea?
thanks for your sharing.

"the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

#132222 - 02/26/06 08:12 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16269
Hi Sonny,

Welcome back to this place. My wish is that you once again find the love and support you are looking for in this place.

I'm sure you know this, but you are not alone. My sense is that there are many, if not most of us here who have at one time or another dealt with the issue of our sexuality, or are still dealing with it. I include myself in that group. When and if you feel comfortable doing it, you might suggest to your wife that she participate in the "Family and Friends" forum. There's a lot of support there for spouses and partners of guys like us.

Most of all, please know that you are loved.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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