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#132108 - 09/26/05 08:28 PM i HATE sex
puppy Offline

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
i dont know if this is an identity issue. i am gay. but im starting to doubt what that means. is it that im sexually attracted to men? because i sure as hell dont want to have sex with men. i finally pushed my boyfriend away so much that he broke up with me. which is not shocking but really sucks. i know i want a relationship with a guy. im not interested in women that way. but the thought of sex just makes me want to die. i hate it. i hate being touched. sexually or otherwise. more so sexually. even a hug can freak me out if its not on my terms. i only like being touched when i initiate it. and when im feeling comfortable with it. which is hardly ever

i dont know if im asexual or what. i like the idea of sex. but i dont really like sex itself. it is just a huge mix of terrible feelings. and i feel so alone. and im so angry.


#132109 - 09/27/05 03:04 AM Re: i HATE sex
Syris Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 14
Sorry to hear that you guys broke up. I know kind of what you mean as far as physical contact. I hate being touched too, cause when someone touches me I get a rush of different feelings, none of which are good, and just feel raw and vulnerable. I haven't had sex in years, probably due to the fact that I hate the feelings it brings up in me(plus general shyness issues, but yeah). It's ok not to like sex, there's no rule that says you have to do it, but I can see where it would impair relationships. Maybe try just being friends with people and see how you like just that.

"Years ago there was lose of control.Constant horrific nightmares,life turned into a deadly maze.The haunting sounds play on.No more bruised feelings.Can it shine through this? Will it ever shine? The pictures in the gold room."

#132110 - 09/27/05 07:37 AM Re: i HATE sex
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Puppy - I understand some of your dilemma. As a teen, the only way I was sexual was if I was in total control. Many times guys would approach me sexually and I froze up, got terrified, ran away as fast as I could, avoided them forever (and those were the guys who "turned me on")! At that I still had 40+ partners. BUT when I got married in my early 20's, the acting out completely stopped and I had no problem being sexual with my wife. You might want to try just being intimate with a trusted partner without having sex or consumating your relationship. Not every hug or caress needs to end up going all the way.


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#132111 - 09/27/05 11:57 AM Re: i HATE sex
kaceechase Offline

Registered: 07/05/05
Posts: 132
Loc: Georgia
Josh You Are where you need to be. Sex and sexuality become very strange and weird topics for most survivors so your in the right club though I hate that you are a Member.

I Believe that the closer you are to the abuse and the rawwer (If that's a word) your feelings are that harder it is to figure out where and how to fit in sexually. Thats OK. Its Difficult under "Normal" situations.

If it helps at all Just Be who you are right now and Don't worry about the Mistakes you make--Trust me , we all make them. But thats the fun of Mistakes they can be changed and corrected when need be. You Will Find yourself and someone if you choose when your ready.

Your an awesome Guy that Just needs to find himself a little more before he can share it with someone else But you will when your ready. You have the Heart and Soul of a Beautiful person and you will find the best way for yourself to share that.

Come What May!
My name is Ken
I am a Work in Progress, Please excuse the mess from time to time!

I finally Realize, The abuse and it's Direct effects are NOT MY FAULT but The Rest of MY Life IS!

#132112 - 09/27/05 01:32 PM Re: i HATE sex
Ivo Offline

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
I think that problem is not in sex; by itself it is normal physical functionality of a body.
But things get complicated because of our mind, brain is final sexual organ, it would tell us what is attractive/appropriate to us and what is not.
That is the reason why every human being is sexually unique. You should not feel alone just by this fact.

And sexuality is very connected with other things that are based on interaction between two persons on physical, intellectual, emotional and other personal and psychological levels.

I hated sexual part of myself. I thought that sex is very degrading thing for me and couldn't feel comfortable with it for long period of time. It vas very disturbing to be aware of mine sexual drive and at the same time of blockade that mine mind set toward it.
At the end I found that sexuality is something beautiful but only when it is part of broader intimacy between two people.
I suppose that it is very strange how things can be different when you are looking on them from different angles.


#132113 - 09/27/05 06:10 PM Re: i HATE sex
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I think a lot of survivors have problems in their sexual lives because of what happened to them. I still have trouble with touching, and if my wife throws her arm over me in the middle of the night it is enough to send me right up the wall. I guess finding one's way back through all this is always difficult.

It's hard to judge based on what you say in your post, but I was struck by how you say this:

even a hug can freak me out if its not on my terms. i only like being touched when i initiate it. and when im feeling comfortable with it. which is hardly ever
A child who is being abused often knows he is just an object and a means for the abuser's gratification. From your other posts that's clearly the case with you. So now, as a sexually active adult, if touching and contact is always regarded as a prelude to full sex by your partner, regardless of whether you want that or are comfortable with it, won't all those old feelings be rekindled? Loathing of sex because it is so closely linked in your mind with being used and worthless and you feel like you are just re-enacting the whole thing, and anger for the same reasons, but also because as an adult you do realize that the situation is not the same at all.

Perhaps it would help you to develop some signals you can give to indicate to guys you are interested in that you are not comfortable with "fast" relationships, one-night stands, and so on. Set some ground rules so you both know where you are to begin with; that might take a lot of the pressure off and give you the time you need to get comfortable with the idea of intimacy with this person - on your own terms, as you put it. This would help you to avoid feeling so alone and outside of things.

And you don't "owe" anyone sex just because they have connected with you and are showing some interest. Engaging in sex when you feel so down about it can only make things worse.

Of course some will lose interest in you once they see that you need to take things slow. But from what you are saying guys like that aren't what you need anyway. Let them look elsewhere and don't consider that any loss.

Take care,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#132114 - 09/27/05 06:49 PM Re: i HATE sex
puppy Offline

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
thanks for all your support guys. i still feel like, with every post i write, everyones gonna think im crazy. so im glad at least some of you dont and i appreciate your input so much.

i was just reading larrys response to my post and i had one of those weird moments. something clicked in my head. i think ive talked about it with my therapist before but it must not have sunk in at the time or didnt make sense in that context. anyway i need to write about it so that i can understand it.

the whole thing about being used. i think that is my whole problem with sex. i think thats where the sick feelings come from. i guess it never made sense before. but its really clear now. i guess without even realizing it, i resent sexual attention from anyone. it makes me angry. i know thats a messed up reaction. but it makes me feel like shit. it makes me feel like they think bad things about me. like they just want to use me. even in a relationship i couldnt accept it as affection or intimacy. i just felt worthless and defensive, like it was some elaborate plan on his part to spend every waking moment with me and pretend to be my boyfriend just so he could get me in bed. i know its not rational.

i guess ive never made that association before. i just thought, well im weird. i dont konw why, but i hate sex, and thats not 'normal' so ill try to like it. and really, i want so badly to be 'normal' in that regard. i know it takes time. and i know this is now something im going to have to really talk about with my therapist.

it is nice to have some sort of understanding of it now. why i feel the way i do. those were the feeelings that went along with 'sex' my whole life. because i didnt have a choice. andi felt used and angry and i didnt want to be touched. and i still react that way. i just have to somehow learn that sex isnt equal to abuse. and i know thats going to be a really hard learning process.

anyway thanks for all your input guys.


#132115 - 02/20/06 09:33 PM Re: i HATE sex
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida

You have made some great insightful remarks. There is a difference between our sexual orientation and how we feel about sex in general.

I have read so many times that, regardless of a guy's orientation - whether to other men or to women, the issue of sexual activity is a whole different ball game. Both gay and straight survivors seem to have problems with sex and this stems directly from the sexual abuse.

We were abused at an age where we are forming our very core as sexual beings and our attitudes and feelings towards being touched, held, loved, desired, and the whole range of human emotions that a child goes thru. Unfortunately, this was distorted because we were taken advantage of and so we (in my humble opinion) developed a warped, but understandable set of believes regarding love and sex.

Is there a solution to it all? I don't know. I think that baby steps are important go take our time and not scare ourselves or anyone else. It can be very confusing and frustrating for our partners who have not been abused to understand the issues involved. Try as others may, until they have walked in our shoes, they will never completely understand what it is like to be in our heads and our bodies.

Don't beat yourself up, though. Throughout the years, I have done my share of sabotaging relationships.... basically because when they got too close, my first instinct was to run as far as I could OR make the relationship so miserable that the other person would write me off. The closer I get to someone, the more uncomfortable I feel.

Please also don't think that any of us think you're weird or a freak. God knows, I can't cast the first stone on that one - I think that it's reasonable for us to feel that way also. It stems from that abused feeling of "God, if they only knew who I REALLY was."

I hope this was helpful.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"


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