I only had 2 additional personalities and hopefully, both have been intergrated and I believe for all intents and purposes are now me. I have found this quite interesting, but it does take some getting used to. I was not used to the emotions, since I had felt none in decades. I also lost my protector which I called Guardian and the main reason I found intergration completely necessary. As might be guessed, he dealt with problems. I dealt with reasonable people, he dealt with unreasonable people. A friend of mine at 1 of these exchanges told me that he could not believe how I changed so quickly from a calm, collected individual to someone that you needed to get out of the way of right now. The 1 thing that did make me feel better about Guardian is that he will not under most conditions strike first. I noted that he had a tendency to echo. He would only intensify what the other person was doing. Eventually, I understood that Guardian was governed by the same rules as I was and, therefore, he would not initiate a fight with the exception of specific conditions. That did make me feel better, but I still felt intergration was necessary. Through the years I began to understand that Guardian was the wrong name for him, that he had his own agenda, I just happened to benefit as a by-product. I know now that Guardian was not my friend by any meaning of the word and I now understand where the seed was set for his creation.

The other personality was a small child, a dear friend from many years ago. We always expected to leave childhood together, but it did not work out that way. He came so I would not have to be alone when the time came. We promised each other that we would go together and came very close to it on several occasions, even begging for death from terrible, terrible pain and all we hear is laughter. We are so funny to them, but we did not die, at least physically. We moved toward adulthood, but for us to survive 1 must stay behind to hold back all that is. I promised him I would return, that I would not leave this world without him and after almost 40 years I can finally say I kept my promise.

I used to feel like a ghost, like people could see right through me, now I feel solid and real. I seem to be more sure of myself and can deal with others better.

Edit is to add trigger warnings.