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#131973 - 06/20/05 06:00 PM Feeling adequate as a man
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
I'm setting this topic up as a new topic rather than a continuation of an old thread. There are some very good issues here and a new thread will give it the attention it deserves.

Feelinlowbro wrote:
There is a part of me that says I can never be accepted by other men as male, the belief that there is something, anything, no matter how seemingly minor, that will disqualify me from being accepted by the other guys as male. In this part of myself I am still like at the beginnings of my teens, wanting the warm acceptance of other males in my group, which doesn't and didn't exist. One of the key areas where I have this fear about something at root being missing or incomplete or insufficient is in going to the gym to compete with other men; I can go and play but I feel the deep fear of competition, like I have to psychologically destroy the other male and not be humiliated, which I cannot stand. I also fear going to the shower rooms and being seen.

I know this sounds wierd but when I go to a pool and smell the chlorine it reminds me of the very unpleasant feeling I had in possibly competing with other males.

It is hard for me to accept psychologically and physically that I am adequate to being accepted as a male "by the other boys" of my past and still cotninuing as a thought to this daya. I will write more later.
Posts: 1 | IP: Logged |

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#131974 - 06/20/05 10:53 PM Re: Feeling adequate as a man

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 22
thanks for putting it as a new topic; I am just learning the ins and outs of posting.

#131975 - 06/21/05 08:08 PM Re: Feeling adequate as a man
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
FeelinLowBro, I posted a reply in the Survivors area. I think you came to the right place in coming to this site. The more I see how hard you're trying, the more I realize how much pain this has caused you for years and years. I feel for you. I've been in therapy now for about 11 years dealing with this and other issues. Feeling the emotions and going back to what caused all this for me has helped tremendously. I still have weeks where I pull away and can't stand too close to a man, but it's getting a little better. I hope you can feel a little peace in who you are. I think you're a good man. You just had horrible things done to you. If you feel like writing about that, I'm here to listen. PM me anytime, too. I'm out of here on the weekends, so I respond slowly sometimes, but I'm here all week.

Take care of yourself, Man.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#131976 - 06/23/05 06:48 AM Re: Feeling adequate as a man

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 22
FF, always grow from reading your postings.

I really look forward to keeping my own postings going too.

I can mention the following since I have only been posting in the past several days:

Through these forums I have been able to put on the table (if I can mix metaphores) the little voice in me about not being accepted, a voice not of an adult but a child still hurting--a part of me just near preteens--wishing I could really be accepted by other boys in my [imaginary; imagined, from the past] group, that I was not merely ok, but ok as a male. It's not acceptance by others as a person as such that has skewered me, but the nagging fear, expectation, that something of me, even physical will be criticised and found wanting and my ["as I would expect" the little voice says] not really being accepted as a male. Since I have posted my topic and got supportive responses from other men my rigid wall inside me saying at root I can't be accepted as a male--thru one or more "defects-- is starting to crack with just so many tiny cracks I can hear--and I can hear those subtle crackenings and breakings thanks to you and the other guys. The area where I was most hurting was in yearning for the brotherly love and deep acceptance that members of my own peer boys group I feel would have given me (like I could sometimes see enviously in a movie about adolescents). Through your responses and a few others I feel and am beginning to believe myself brotherly loved as a male--deep to my core--that I am acceptable as a male, so that I can finally go forth and be the male I always knew I could be. My healing has just started and I am actually beginning to feel a natural love for me as a male--root self acceptance. Please be in peace,my brothers. \:\) \:\)

#131977 - 07/03/05 12:47 AM Re: Feeling adequate as a man
PhillyPa Offline

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Same isolation factor here as well, Feel.
It's like i'm this alien around other guys.
I cant communicate with them, and find myself in silence around them. Then they think I hate them and never talk to me again. That's depressing. I know what its like to feel hated.
Ive worked on this and dont know what to do. Ive tried to smile, to say stupid shit like "hows the weather".
You know what? after that, I feel like they think i'm a fag! For being nice.
So, in my case, ive got some self-defeating issues to work on - and elimination of these defense mechanisms.
When its defense mechanism, its because I dont wanna be hated or called a FAG, or be seen as this broken man.

Who is this doing the synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic funkin?


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