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#131970 - 06/24/05 06:44 AM Re: torn

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 22
MusicRX, hang in there, your humanness is immediately apparent--I/we suffer because we are human--I had the same alienation and separation from extended family--they were and are very arrogant and mean. They are realy telling a lot to you by what they say--not in words but in actions. I believe now that there shouldn' be an automatic praising of family--like individuals they are accountable. If they act like cads they are cads.

The damage these sorts of "families" is that they "enable" us with tapes in our head saying how bad we are. I opened up a dialogue with one family member on this and plan to go point by point on my own extended "family"'s individual actions of rejection and meanness which have gone under the radar screen and which they've gotten away with. I believe certainly in my case at least that this rabal, this cabal needs to be cornered in argument even though it will have to be for a long spell an argument in the imagination (visualization, etc) in which I am calling them on their meanness. I could even turn it into a pseudo page of Shakespeare. But I believe for me at some time and some moment in a constructive way this cabal/this horde needs to be taken off its high horse and put back on its high chair and start to relearn what they so abyssmally failed to learn the first time about what would be the true characteristics of a loving family, not a horde of emotional blood sucking and prim though improper bandits. My hero in Biblical writings is Joseph who rose against his wanting family--his brothers--and exceeded them and later I recall forgave them--but not before he stepped out of the victim role and said I won't let them keep me going on being a victim. It will take much time but in the end jusice will prevail if I let it be but not just let it be.

I believe we can transcend and rise above and away from those charlatans who imagined themselves to be our "family." But I need to hold them accountable in writing to myself, instead of them use me as a scapegoat for their own internal abomination which they haven't owned up to yet--at least in this life. I will their ignorance to them; I don't want any of their ignorance and victimzing collaboration circulating in my heart and soul. let it continue to abominate and pollute their own hearts, but not mine. I have a life to live, not a life to regret; I will leave the latter to my ersatz, vinyl and cheap chrome "family." The spiritual ashes of an old "family" can give birth to a real family that genuinely knows how to love and revels in it for higher purpose and higher living. I need to breathe air and not swallow fumes. Let the hypocrites and ignorant do that.

#131971 - 06/24/05 11:52 AM Re: torn
MusicRx Offline

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New Orleans
I wish that I could've had a friend like you when I was growing up. You are very wise.

#131972 - 06/24/05 02:24 PM Re: torn
sophiesdad Offline

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Music RX:

I don't know how many more words of wisdom that I can add to what's already been said. It's a shame that your family has rejected you. It may be true that "family is everything", but that doesn't necessarily mean your biological family. You CAN build a family of choice starting with the people here.

I hope that I don't offend anyone, but speaking as a former seminarian studying to be a Catholic priest, I have seen many people hide behind the veil of religion in order to satisfy their twisted ideas or justify their rejection of other people just because they are different. I'm going to take one paragraph to explain something where your mother is DEAD WRONG and then I'll drop the theological discussion and come back to the original posting:

John Calvin's writings are what the Baptist church and many other fundamentalist religions are founded on. Unlike Catholicism which believes that every being is inherently good although we have sin (which translated from Hebrew is to "miss the mark", or make a mistake), Calvin believed that we are NOTHING without the salvation of Christ. So, we're kind of like a cake that's rotten inside, but we still look pretty outside because of the icing.

Now, I make no judgements on what people believe, but your mother missed a BIG HALF of the equasion in your church's belief, not to mention she has deluded herself into believing that God has somehow mysteriously called her to stay with your father, your abuser, as her personal mission in life. Sounds more like a pygmalion complex to me, or MAJOR enabling. Whatever the case, she has given you a HUGE message that an abuser, a perpetrator is better than you are.... doesn't that sound a little twisted?

As to your sexual confusion. Like everyone else has said, you're not alone there. And, in my 48 years, I've finally come to the conclusion (many here can tell you of the posting after posting where I was distressed over this) that I don't need to put a label on myself. I am who I am.

the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Being sexually abused doesn't make someone gay, nor do fantasies about other men or even sexual activity with other men make you gay. In the end, it is a personal revelation that each of us comes to after a great deal of soul searching. If the overwhelming majority of your attractions are with women and you see yourself building a life with a woman someday, that defines who you are. Conversely, if the majority of your attractions are with men and you see yourself building a life with another man, that also defines who you are.

In the end, most struggle inside before we come to a conclusion. Just don't make societal pressures make you force yourself one way or the other. On a personal, spiritual level, I believe that an all loving creator is going to love me no matter who I am and as long as I live my life based on honor, respect and love for others I have done well.

The healing process that we all talk about is really like mourning a death. We are mourning the death of a childhood that was taken away from us. We mourn the innocence that was lost far too early in our lives. And, sometimes, we also mourn the loss of our biological families because they reject us.

My mother died not speaking to me for 6 years after I confronted the family. My brother, who is 12 years my senior, still doesn't speak to me and doesn't believe me even though he saw what I grew up with, argued constantly with my mother as to what she was doing to me as a kid, and was amazed that I hadn't committed suicide before the age of 25. But he still doesn't believe me and wanted me to "forgive my mother because I'm a Christian". I still hang onto my anger at my mother for some reason.... however, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that we would share International Coffee and hug each other. It is possible to forgive someone but still have to maintain boundaries and stay away from him/her/them to maintain your personal safety.

So, it seems that you are at a point in your life where you have to make some decisions. You can go forward with your life right now and for the time being, accept the fact that your family may never talk to you again. Things may change someday in the future, but don't give yourself any false hopes.

Start to develop a relationship with yourself - your inner child. Love that little boy inside for who he is - an innocent, loving, gentle and sensitive little boy who happened to be hurt terribly. If you are religious, think about what an all-loving God is like - would he reject you? You're not tainted, and you're not damaged goods.

Search your heart and take your time as to your sexual identity. As I said, the VAST MAJORITY of sexually abused men have a lot of sexual confusion. But don't get caught up in the fact that you have to label yourself straight, bi, or gay. Learn who you are at your very core and don't be afraid of the answer you find. You will live a much more happy and fulfilled life as long as you are true to who and what you are no matter what that is.

Know that someday you will get better at relationships with other people. Because we were so brutally betrayed as children (and some of that betrayal continues from rejection of our family), we do have a hard time developing relationships.... not just romantic ones, but deep friendships also. In a sense, we are re-learning how to trust other people. That is something that children learn as they grow up. Our development was arrested and squashed.

None of this is an easy journey, but then again, nothing in life worthwhile is easy. There is no magic pill and no ONE way of dealing with your situation is the right way. You need to find your own path. It starts with baby steps.... you have already started by coming here.

If you don't already have a good therapist, get one. There are very few of us who can get through this on our own. Make sure it's a therapist who has experience with childhood sexual abuse. And, if you choose someone and you don't see progress in a year or so, find someone else. Try to find someone who will gently lead you ahead on the road, but will allow you to be yourself. AND it has to be someone who will be honest with you and maybe gently open your eyes to confront some of those ghosts.

We're all here for you and for each other. We learn from each others' triumphs and mistakes. We can be your family of choice - a true family in every sense of the word. A family is a group of people who love and support each other through thick and thin, but are honest and give a "kick in the pants" when it's needed. My "family" does not consist of my mother, father, and brother. I have given up hope that they could be the Leave it to Beaver people that I grew up with on TV. I've chosen other people in my life who will love me and lift me up when I fall flat on my face.

I hope that I was able to give some feedback to help you see things a little more clearly.


There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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