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#131836 - 03/13/05 09:00 AM What am I?
xenoman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Montana
Wow! I am blown away by the honesty here in all of the statements. Thanks everyone for sharing. So, my subject says what am I? I think I like the conclusion of "confused" more or less.

I was taken advantage of by a 16 y.o. with anal sex when I was 12 and it continued many times until I began to enjoy it. I had girl friends through high school but became obsessed looking at porn and having sex with other guys until I married at the age of 21. None of us ever acted gay. Most of my friends and I would have sex even after dates with our girls. Most of them grew out of it and I kept doing it until I married.

Now, I am 52 and have been married for 30+ years.
At the age of 48 due to the brashness of alcoholism I concluded that I was "gay". I told my wife. Ordered a gay lover from Hong Kong. We left the country for a year and lived together. He did not understand my alcoholism at all and found another lover from Scotland and left. I found another lover.
I was miserable. Nearly killed myself from drinking so much. Me and my second lover quarreled all of the time and could not stand living together so he moved out. I was lonely and drank more and more. I brought my wife over to where i was at and we worked though my alcolholism until I was able to stop. That was in December 2001. Since returning to the States I have not had any sexual relations with any guys. For 2 years I never looked at any porn. Then I started looking again.
It is a sporadic obsession with me.
I am not looking for a gay lover.
Dont particular want one.
Would I have sex if the opportunity arose?
Probably. Does that make me gay? No
Do I have sexual relations with my wife? No.
Because of health reasons? or what?
Do I gratify myself? Yes occasionally but it is not an obsession like looking at porn on the net.
The only porn I care to look at is pornography with male sex in it. After self gratification its over for several days. I would like to have freedom from this obsession. Does anyone have any advice on this topic? Would love to hear from you.
There, I have gotten that out of my system.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

#131837 - 03/13/05 09:24 AM Re: What am I?
self_righting Offline

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL

I wish I had some advice. You seek some of the same answers as I. I don't know if this is something that can be "fixed", but I hope so. Maybe it helps knowing there a bunch of us out here trying to resolve the same issues. Sometimes I wish I was gay because it would be so much simpler to be one or the other. Anyway, as Bill Clinton would say, "I feel your pain".


#131838 - 03/13/05 10:22 AM Re: What am I?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Xenoman, self_righteous and others who ask about and suffer these same issues - Much of what you shared parallels my own experiences. I've asked those same concerned questions about myself, my own marriage, etc. There are a significant number of us survivors who wrestle with these same deep emotions and I'm glad you both are strong and honest enough to speak out!
This said, I address those issues in my own life by taking several steps. The first is to be honest with myself and accept things as they are. There are times I still look at other males too! BUT! I know I love my wife (of 35 years) in so many other ways as well and realize that I need (NEED not want) to do what is right for my own well being and in the long run, I have long decided that my relationship with my wife, my children, my grandchildren will always stand the test of time. I can put my energy anywhere I want but I choose to put it where I need it to be.
How do I address my other male needs? Similar to you but I have learned to live with that, accept that and realize a moments pleasure can not replace ages of a close, emotionally satisfying, rewarding relationship with my partner of 35 years.
We can discuss this, perhaps over PMs. I hope this has helped you guys and others!!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#131839 - 03/13/05 11:41 AM Re: What am I?
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay. I might as well pick the petals off a daisy, Xenoman. For the present and the recent past, I'm gay, but who knows about the future? It's just another one of those wonderful gifts given to my by my g d perpetrator. straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay-straight-gay............

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#131840 - 03/16/05 04:47 AM Re: What am I?
Dan88 Offline

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
When I first started dealing with compulsive sexual behaviors, I found Patrick Carnes' book Out of the Shadows to be enormously helpful. My situation was not exactly like yours, but you may find some things in the book you can use, too.

Take care

#131841 - 03/16/05 05:42 AM Re: What am I?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I've been married for just over 30 years, I love my wife to bits.

I too went through acting-out with other men, I never left home or anything like that, I just had very brief and horrible encounters with strrangers. The last one was in May 1998.
Since then I've been in therapy and still attend a group session once a month.

I still have the fantasies though, and I still use gay porn occassionaly. It's not anywhere near as bad as it was about 5 or 6 years ago though.
I also struggled with the "am I gay or straight" question, mostly in therapy.
In the end the only choice I had was straight, and that's for one simple reason. I don't fancy men.

In all the acting and fantasies I never once looked at a man and thought "I'd like to have sex with him" and my fantasies never have any kind of image of a man, and the age, colour and type of man never enter the fantasies either. It's purely about the single act of giving another man a bj.
But I look at women and have the reactions of most straight guys.
That convinced me that I was straight.

As I said, the 'problems' are still there, but they are losing their appeal, so I don't use the gay porn and fantasy as much as I did.
I think that a part of the loss of effect is down to me making the great effort to walk away when it happens.
But Howard said that there are times when he still looks at other men - porn. And he goes on to say that he accepts that. Which is the important thing - acceptance.

I also accept that 'it happens'. Sometimes when my wife asks "what have you been looking at?" when I've spent time on the 'net I answer honestly and tell her I've looked at porn. She doesn't ask to check up me, far from it. Most of the time I'm looking at 4x4's and stuff like that.
But by being honest if I have looked at porn it seems to take the thrill away from it, and that was the part that was the main attraction to me. I enjoyed the thrill of the secrecy more than the actual porn. And I also used guilt and shame as a 'comfort' or 'defence' in the past, and it's easy to slip back into what kept us going for many years.
Remove the guilt and shame, accept that like millions of other men you sometimes use porn, and see if the lure remains as strong?
I really dont give a shit if I use porn or not any more, I don't hide it either.

I would rather do without it for sure,and my hope is that by treating it as a minor problem I will eventually overcome it more easily.

That's just my point of view though, maybe it wont suit everyone.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#131842 - 03/16/05 03:13 PM Re: What am I?
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Gosh, xenoman, I hate to sound like a broken record, but I think that therapy is a good place to work some of this out. You do get good advice here but there is nothing like a good therapist to help you sort some of this out. Have you ever been able to express yourself to someone in a theraputic setting about any of this? Posting here is good training ground to help you with that. I know that I've gone through much of my life thinking the thoughts and fantasies of my perpetrator, the f---ker really got into my head. I know what it takes to express yourself here, and I also know what it takes to express oneself in therapy; they both are good but the therapist is the one who can help us sort out those highly personal ways in which we incorporated what happened to us into our psyches. I have found as many different expressions of those hurting ways our perpetrators got to us as there are men here.
Never again think that you are alone, this site is a monument to the men who are surviving.
Courage and strength,


"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot


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