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#131753 - 07/08/06 01:33 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Wow...whoever brought this up for us new guys did a great service. this is a huge help in the struggle. I am also glad to see the idea of black and white knocked down. I get soo tired of that mindset. Am I happy living and loving in the area of grey where i exist? I think so...hope so...struggling to make it so.
I now completely believe the abuse skewed me...but then, years of coping and acting out have taken a toll with mind patterns etc.
again, nice to know I'm not alone.

#131754 - 07/11/06 12:17 PM Re: On 'being gay'
Galapogos Offline

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Wow is right.
I'll need to come back to write a post when I'm not so tired.. Did my csa cause my gay feelings? Is it possible to know? Is my identity defined by what I think and feel? What I do/my actions?

Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

#131755 - 07/16/06 07:00 AM Re: On 'being gay'
Vanessa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/06
Posts: 2
My husband was a victim of SA and he struggles with his sexual feelings. Make no mistake, he has no desire to have a reltionship, kiss hold hands with a man. It is purely a sexual desire. I believe since his first sexual experience was with his molester, he identifies with this. I don't think he is gay, but he does have gay desires. This is hard to accept for both of us, but we are trying to deal with it. I just wish I knew if we should embrace it further with role play or ignore it? I just want him to be happy and not feel the guilt that he does. Any suggestions?

#131756 - 12/07/06 09:29 PM Re: On 'being gay'
compassion Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/07/06
Posts: 33
Loc: Illinois, US
So much is how we are sexually socialized...yeah? There are harsh lashes given for men and women who cross imposed gender lines...either the quarterback or the gay man (even without abuse...I change the oil in my car and he plays piano like Yanni...gender roles are narrow!!)?? I can fantasize about both genders, but clearly know that I can only couple with men. As a female survivor of ADULT rape, I have often empathized with my partner being a CHILD when he was adult mind could eventually seperate it all out. I knew I was heterosexual before I was raped. Had I been 3? What would I have known before that? A child's mind and sense of trust in the world is just very different. Being raped by a man didn't make me hate men or want to be with women, BUT...a child's a child's mind. You are just learning about trust, touch and gender. My partner had a long period of hanging out with gay men, but violently rejects that he is gay ( that a "doth protest too much"? or "I'm sick of the constant ribbing?"). As his partner I accepted him either way, BUT...I obviously would not partner long term with a homosexual man. We have seen the Oprahs where he was gay for the whole 12 years of the marriage...just good to figure it out before the wedding...that's all I can say. The process of sorting out is complex for him being abused by both a man and a woman. He used to hold deep resentments towards women...both for the abuse and for not protecting him from the other man. Seems to come down to truth and courage. What is his truth..does he know yet...should he know? Gay or confused? He shares the truth with me to the best of his ability and then I make a choice. Right now he says he is not gay so...there you go. I don't reject him for what he calls "his ugly side" (especially when so much of that was done to him and not chosen)...who is without that side? I just ask that he work hard at finding his truth and own his stuff. A partner's future rests in this palm, too. Our hardest battle has been him trusting anyone (and he does me) enough to get to the big and ugly. Sometimes I tell him to close his eyes...tell me what he wants to and then I tell him to open them....I say, "look...I'm still here!". I have always known that for him to be healthy...I was assuming some personal risk. I may not be what he needs when he is healthy, is not about where we land, but how authentically we handle this journey.

The ocean that flows in you; flows in me...all colors of humanity.

My "avatar" is a lotus...a beautiful flower that thrives in muddy water.

#131757 - 12/08/06 04:45 AM Re: On 'being gay'
GuyD2006 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Louisiana
I agree that there is no 100% Gay or 100 Straight. Everyone falls somewhere in between. I was 4 the first time I was abused, he was a kid from the neighborhood. I would be abused again when I was 12. He was the coach of our basketball team. I can remember being attracted to other boys and fooling around with them at age 10 or so. So, I'm not sure if I was infulenced or not. In highschool I had many female sexual partners, but I also enjoyed fantasizing about boys and would often sneak peaks in the gym showers. I am married now and have been for 20 years. I had hook ups with both men and women during my marriage, I was out of control, I am a sex addict. I am now in recovery and seek to limit my sexual acting out. I am equally attracted to male and female. My therapist does not think I'm gay. When I see a handsome young couple, I can appreciate the beauty of both the boy and the girl. Who knows, maybe I should be happy that I can appreciate both sexes. It is difficult however at times. Society tries to label us. I'm Ok being me. I live, but for the will of God these days, and acting out sexually is not part of that. I try not to judge one way or the other. To each his own. Live and Let Live. Labels are not important. For me its all about being spiritual. I constantly struggle...The Spirit vs The Flesh. Now more than not The Spirit is winning. Don't know if this helped anyone? God Bless and Merry Christmas


#144116 - 03/05/07 06:56 PM Re: On 'being gay' [Re: GuyD2006]
Daggenfel Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 2
I often feel its sort of a paradox. I feel insecure because people think I'm gay; people think this, because I'm insecure.

As a teen I got it a lot. And after the SA in my mid-teens, I just blotted it out of my mind. If anything, it caused me to compensate and I became more macho. Became a gun-nut, adreneline addict, and gained a ton of weight (became very fat, actually). All the girls I knew then told me they were attracted to me because I was "so masculine."

Now, in my thirties, I lost the weight, changed locations and careers, and what started as culture shock from living in a foreign country and adapting to change became severe depression and self-doubt.

Then I started remembering things, SA, and other abuses in life. It drove me nuts. It also caused me to lose two girlfriends during the time (over 2 years).Seeing a T has helped, as I was determined to self-diagnose myself as everything from bipolar to autistic to avoid dealing with the things that truly happened to me. In becoming a "tough guy" I had numbed myself so much that I was oblivious to what had made me miserable.

But my point is, when this happened, and now, my confidence plummeted, I became very insecure about my identity in general, much less my sexual identity, and I found people asking me often if I was gay, and attracting men like I did when I was a teen. this made me feel even more insecure to the point where I began thinking that I may have been in terrible self-denial all my life, and was gay, but the truth is, I have never been attracted to a man.

But I found myself compulsively looking at transexual porn, and only that (my SA was from a transvestite) and it made me feel ashamed and vile. It took me back to the moment. The longer this went on, the more insecure I became, and the worse I seemed to solicit the attention of men. I got "caught" with it on my computer and then everyone either made of me or tried to "help" me by telling me to accept "my homosexuality." You can imagine how that felt.

You are damned if you defend yourself and damned if you don't. I don't think I should have to "prove" my heterosexuality to gain acceptance. Nor should I have to accept the label of homosexual just because others think so. I think many of the "macho" types I see here in Israel (and back where I grew up in Texas) are repressed homosexuals themselves.

One thing that lingers in my mind, is that my SA was interupted by a gay friend of a friend. I think that kept me from becoming more confused or homophobic. It would have been much worse without him showing up by chance. I was always confident about my sexual identity, and grew up around openly gay people (my mother works in theater) and I never imagined in a million years I would find myself this insecure, but here I am.

So, I think if I establish confidence in "who" I am, "what" I am shouldn't matter. I feel confused about everything, to be honest. but in the meantime being hit on in public by guys while I can't seem to get a date with a girl to save my life is really a bummer.

Edited by Daggenfel (03/05/07 07:00 PM)

#144120 - 03/05/07 07:26 PM Re: On 'being gay' [Re: MollyHatchetrules]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
philly,its just another sterotype i think,people got to put people into neat little boxes but some of us dont fit and that scares them .for me its like ok your 22 single live alone ,no girlfriend , your not a he man jock or a crazy redneck ,well then you gotta be gay! heh in the normal world 2+2 =5! also i think it means more to others than it does to us you know? its like damn you get into the box!lol .its not a big deal to me either way but it seems to be to people around me.anything that dont fit the way they think scares them

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#210304 - 03/12/08 06:56 PM Re: On 'being gay' [Re: MollyHatchetrules]
JT's the Man Offline

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41
I can completely relate with this post.

I was made gay twice. Well three times. First I was abused. Which fucked things up in my mind. Then I made a gay activist friend who had one mission in life: to get me to be gay.

Then after I dumped her another one came along with the same mission.

I find that idea as equally disturbing as people who hated me for thinking I was gay, simply becuase they didn't care what I was really.

I accept any additional comments on this topic.

#210305 - 03/12/08 06:58 PM Re: On 'being gay' [Re: Vanessa]
JT's the Man Offline

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41
yes i have a suggestion. While you make him realize that you accept him no matter what, help him to see that this is a merely SEXUAL desire, stirred up by abuse...

Hope that helps.

I have had to do it.


#211078 - 03/16/08 08:49 PM . [Re: JT's the Man]
bardo213 Offline

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 812

Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 08:19 PM)

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